


Just Us

by MissMayWeMeetAgain



Category: Figure Skating RPF, Ice Dancing RPF, Scott Moir/Tessa Virtue Fandom
Genre: 2018 Winter Olympics, Angst, F/M, Olympic Figure Skating Gala 2018, So much angst, next-level angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-26
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-03-24 05:02:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 51,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13803975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissMayWeMeetAgain/pseuds/MissMayWeMeetAgain
Summary: What was really going through Scott's head during the Olympic Figure Skating Gala 2018...ORBut now, in front of the world, on his knees in front of Tess for the last time, he was losing control. This was different. It was a slow burning fire, ripping him apart from the inside. He knew he was spiraling as he covered the momentum of the lean in by resting his forehead on hers. Scott tried desperately to anchor himself to her by running his hand over her shoulder and down her arm, trying to just be in this moment, to stop the onslaught of emotions and tears from erupting on the world stage.It felt like a losing battle. He was standing on the precipice of the end of their career, of his life as he knew it. It was the last time he could be with Tess like this, and it was crushing him. Forehead pressed to her, his heart pounded from the exertion of the dance, but his breath heaved out of him heavily as he held back the waves of emotion crashing into him. One, two, three, four, he counted silently. He had to get it together. He was not going to lose it now.





	1. Just Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I wasn't going to do a fic about real people, but Tessa and Scott came in and destroyed my life over the past few weeks, so I had to do something!
> 
> Only my second fic, but there will be more chapters to come! Comments welcome!
> 
> Hope someone else can enjoy the angst. ;-)

Just Us  
a Virtue/Moir Fanfic

As the last chords of Long Time Running rang through the arena, Scott knelt on one knee in front of Tessa, his hand cupping her neck gently. They had danced this many times, but never like this. It was never the last time on Olympic ice, never the last time of their long competitive career. And Scott was struggling.

All he could see in those last notes were Tessa’s gorgeous green eyes staring back at him. He knew she was in character, just as he was supposed to be, but the weight of it being the last time was causing his emotions to blend with those of his character. As his thumb ran feather-light across her jaw, all he could think was, I need to kiss her. 

It was just them, as it had always been. He said it at the beginning of the skate, if only to remind himself… Just us, Tess, he had whispered. Desperately, he clung to those words to keep it together for their last performance. 

In that last moment, kneeling on the ice, it was just them. He leaned in, wanting more than anything to feel her lips against his, if only to share his overwhelming emotions with the one person on this earth who would understand. She was right there, a strand of her dark hair caught across her face, just waiting for him. Then he heard the crowd begin to roar and the spell was broken.

What the hell am I doing? he admonished himself. He had been doing so much better in recent years with not letting his emotions get the better of him, of getting completely out of control. Of course, it had been different at the end of the short dance and the free skate, with the excitement pulsing through his veins like electricity. That had been somewhat appropriate.

But now, in front of the world, on his knees in front of Tess for the last time, he was losing control. This was different. It was a slow burning fire, ripping him apart from the inside. He knew he was spiraling as he covered the momentum of the lean in by resting his forehead on hers. Scott tried desperately to anchor himself to her by running his hand over her shoulder and down her arm, trying to just be in this moment, to stop the onslaught of emotions and tears from erupting on the world stage. 

It felt like a losing battle. He was standing on the precipice of the end of their career, of his life as he knew it. It was the last time he could be with Tess like this, and it was crushing him. Forehead pressed to her, his heart pounded from the exertion of the dance, but his breath heaved out of him heavily as he held back the waves of emotion crashing into him. One, two, three, four, he counted silently. He had to get it together. He was not going to lose it now. He shook it off, breaking contact with T. 

Tess began to stand first, leaving him uncharacteristically on the ice without her. Leaning down, he steadied himself with his other hand while never really letting go of her. He could feel her gaze, her smile, as she was watching him. He could barely look at her, for fear of falling back into the spiral, so he just spun her out for their bows. The crowd was going wild. Scott plastered a forced smile on his face and held back the tears that were glistening in his eyes. If she was happy, he needed to be, too. Once, twice, they bowed, Tess glowing and ravishing in her red dress. It was over. They needed to get off the ice. 

They stroked rhythmically, hand in hand, to the boards with only the glow of the dimming spot lights to guide them. Scott was glad for the darkness as he quickly wiped away tears with his free hand. They still had to get through the finale, but he felt as though he was going to burst.

Suddenly, hands were thumping him on the back, congratulating him and Tessa for their beautiful skate. If years of cameras and press had taught him anything, it gave him the ability to smile and nod, at least somewhat convincingly. Luckily, the young Russian skater was up next and could not be ignored for long in her risqué tiger suit and decidedly modern music. 

Scott broke away from Tess, searching for his skate guards. He couldn’t breathe and there were so many people…he clasped his hands on top of his head, hoping to get more oxygen in his lungs. The head cold he’d caught was not helping matters. He spun, looking for a place to sit, trying to ignore the voice in his head telling him his life was over.

Then, he felt a cool hand at the small of his back gently guiding him to a nearby bench. He didn’t need to look to know it was Tess—their bodies were so in tune with each other after 20 years that he could feel her presence without his eyes telling him she was there. He rested the back of his head on the wall behind him, feeling her hand running soothing circles on his lower back. She leaned close into him, and he could feel the heat of her thigh pressed against his as she whispered, “You okay?”

He wasn’t okay. He was far from okay. But she had looked so happy, and he didn’t want to ruin this for her. “Yeah, um, just this head cold—hard to breathe,” he stammered hoarsely. Might be the only time he was ever grateful for losing his voice, as it was doing wonders in covering for him. Considering how well they knew each other though, he couldn’t tell in the dark if she had bought it.

“Mmm hmm,” he heard her hum. She reached for his hand and grasped it hard, squeezing. She was here, she was saying. She had him. She was his anchor. He closed his eyes and leaned his head against her, trying to calm his breathing. Knowingly, she wrapped her arms around him, tugging him around to meet her. He clung to her in the dark, pulling her tight to him as he tried to stifle a sob against her neck. 

“Just us,” she whispered into his ear, squeezing back. She was guiding him to synchronize his breath with hers, like they did before every competition dance. He let her lead and focused all attention to the ebb and flow of her inhale and exhale. His breath and heart finally began to slow as he allowed himself to melt into her in this moment. He wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that, but it felt as though the world had finally stopped spinning out of control.

“Um, guys, hate to interrupt, but you’re up,” said Meghan. Shit, he thought. They had agreed to go out on the ice with the other gold medalists to do a thank you speech for the crowd before the finale. Even though Tessa was also losing her voice to overuse and the dreaded cold that was spreading like wildfire through the athletes, she had graciously volunteered to speak anyway. He, of course, would not let her go alone, even though being out on the ice in front of the whole world was the absolute last place he wanted to be right now. 

Tess laughed and stood, leaning on him to remove her skate guards. “This should be fun,” she said with a smile in her raspy voice, pulling him along behind her. The male gold medalist was waiting patiently mid-ice, and they were obviously taking too long to get out there, but at this point, no one really cared anymore. The pressure was off. Someone handed Tess a mic, and they were back on the ice, her ahead of him. Not holding her hand, he felt the world closing in again, so he clutched his hands behind his back and prayed for it to be over soon.

“Hello!” Tessa’s hoarse voice boomed throughout the arena. “Thank you so much for being here today,” she continued, with all the poise and grace she was known for. She was so goddamned beautiful, he could barely look at her. The crowd screamed and clapped for her, as she waited to continue. “And thank you for supporting all of the skaters throughout the competition for the last couple of weeks.”

Standing away from her, he saw her radiate her joy to the crowd and they loved every word. He lost himself in her, trying once again to hold back the emotions that were clawing their way out of him. He crossed his arms in front, feeling insecure, not quite sure what to do with himself as she took the spotlight. 

This is how it’s going to be now, he thought. She’ll dazzle the world on her own and leave me behind. He saw her gesture at him, but the words she said were not sticking in his brain. 

Suddenly, she was smiling, eyes searching his face for a response to a question he had not heard. She was by his side again, holding the mic out to him, and he panicked. Though usually good at saying something funny, he uncharacteristically couldn’t handle it, so he just firmly put his hand on top of the mic, as if to say “Hell, no,” and took it from her. She looked away at the other skater to shrug, then looked back to him, questioningly. He probably was supposed to say something, but he was done.

He needed her with him, to get him through this finale. He switched the mic to his left hand, dramatically stuck out his right for Tess, and turned his head sharply as he pulled her along with him. He felt her gaze on him, but couldn’t bring himself to look back or to explain his behavior.

This fucking finale was going to be the death of him. He’d barely knew what to do since he’d missed mandatory practice for the women’s hockey game. Tess had tried to catch him up—it wasn’t as if the steps were hard—but his mind was not in the right headspace. All he wanted, needed, was to get out of here, to be away from everything so he could get his mind straight and be able to breathe again. 

But Tess looked so happy. She was enjoying every minute of their last moments here on the ice, and he couldn’t bear to disappoint her. He had to get his shit together for this last performance. He took a deep breath. She squeezed his hand and looked at him concerned, but he shook his head and managed a small smile to reassure her. They waited off-ice with the rest of the skaters for their cues. 

“This is Me” from The Greatest Showman started playing and they were off. The singles and the pairs started, and honestly, it was kind of a mess, but everyone was happy, save him, so no one really cared. The pairs did their aerial acrobatics as the crowd cheered, and he stole a glance at Tess. She was grinning from ear to ear, relishing in the moment, drinking in the crowd and the other skaters and the smell of the ice around them. He would do absolutely anything for her to make her happy, he realized suddenly, even when he wanted desperately to run away. 

“Together?” she whispered.

“Always,” he mouthed, his voice failing.

Then they were back, flying across the ice, hand in hand, with all the other ice dancing couples. Most took center ice, but he led them off-center, wanting this to be their moment together, as much as possible. He whipped her around in a lift and suddenly could breathe again. She smiled at him, eyes sparkling in the spotlights and he gave her a genuine smile back. This is where he was meant to be—with her, on the ice. 

He started to get into it more, clapping to the beat of the song with the others, getting caught up in the excitement of the crowd as they moved to the boards to let the male singles take center ice. He couldn’t stop looking at Tessa, and she laughed at him in her joy.

As they moved with everyone to do the choreography, he kept his eyes trained on Tess, who of course knew every beat expertly. He was trying to remember the steps, though he certainly wasn’t the only one fumbling. For once, he was glad to be a bit lost in the crowd. It wasn’t so bad to be caught up with Tess in this moment, he thought as they took center, and he lifted her above him as the spot caught them and the audience went wild. All he saw was her as he swung her around and then grabbed her hand. Mine, was all he could think as they flew across the ice with the rest of them. It all became a blur of happy, fatigued skaters clustered in the middle for a group hug. 

Scott pulled Tess back a bit from the excited fray and held her hand like he never, ever wanted to let go. This was it. It was over. He looked at her, and she smiled as she squeezed his hand, as if to say, “Later.” There were still pictures and hugs to come, but all he wanted was her. 

And he would endure it all, for her.


	2. Just Hoping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the gala, Scott has a meltdown in the basement of the arena.
> 
> OR
> 
> The Olympics were over. Their competitive career, though they’d not officially announced it, was over. What if his glorious, messy, beautiful 20 years with Tess was…over?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has turned into a beautiful, angsty monster! I had to figure out where to make the chapter breaks,(otherwise this would be the longest chapter ever) so I'm sorry in advance if this one feels like it ends abruptly. I promise the next chapter is coming soon...
> 
> Thanks for all the positive feedback and for sticking with me! I hope you enjoy the super-angst (cuz I'm a sucker for pain and there will be much more to come)! 
> 
> As always, comments are welcome :)

Chapter Two: Just Hoping

And endure it he did. There were so many pictures and hugs and congratulations after the gala, but all he felt was this sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. Scott plastered on a smile and tried as best he could to get through it. It was a part of the job that he’d never quite gotten used to—Tessa was so much better at being articulate and gracious when all he seemed able to do was joke or be a little too honest. Usually, he was fine with being the comic relief; now, though, after everything, after being on display for days, even when he was just trying to relax with his family, it was wearing on him. He was so worn out, but now these new emotions—not the fun “we won gold” emotions, but the darker ones—were crashing into him with an intensity he could no longer ignore. 

The tightness in his chest began to increase again, as his breath quickened. Feeling strangled, he clung to Tess as his lifeline. His hand in hers was the only thing grounding him to this place, this moment. The way she would squeeze his hand every so often, making sure he was still there, warmed him. Watching her, he marveled in her beaming smile and wide, bright eyes. He knew she was just as tired as he was, but looking at it, you would never know. The world slowed down when she was with him, and he needed her now, more than ever. 

Then, in an instant, their physical connection was broken. Tessa was swept away by another skater into the throng of camera flashes and adoring fans. He called for her, reaching out, but she couldn’t hear him. This is how it will be now, he thought mournfully. She would be swept away from him by all the wonderful things she was going to (and deserved to) do, and she would inevitably leave him behind for those better things. Would this be his new normal? Scott felt as though he was plunged into ice water, and he had to get away from the throngs of the crowd, now. 

As if in a nightmare, he weaved his way painfully and slowly through the crowd, searching for an exit. Lightheaded, the room started to spin, and he was trying to move as quickly as possible without knocking anyone over. Relief coursed through him as he glimpsed the exit doors that led to the basement.

The double doors bounced hard as Scott plowed through them, nearly hitting him back. Once he’d lost Tess in the crowd, it had been game-over. She had been holding the monster of his thoughts at bay, and now the beast was raging inside his mind, filling it with ridiculous scenarios of a dim future without her. 

Tess. He felt lost, as though he would never be able to fill the gaping hole that had suddenly appeared in his heart. When had it gotten to this point, this point where Tess was his entire world and the thought of existing without her by his side was like the feeling of his fingernails being ripped off his hands? 

Who was he kidding? It had been this way for a long, long time, he thought. Honestly, he had loved her for as long as he could remember, but their sport, their job, always took precedent. To be sure, that love had changed as he grew and changed—it ebbed and flowed as love does when you have known someone as long as and had been as close as he and Tess were. At points, he loved her like a sister, or a cherished member of his family. He certainly loved her as his best friend. Infatuation and adoration showed up often, too, and all of these were acceptable types of love for him and Tess to have. 

But the undercurrent of that love often swayed to the romantic side on his end. He didn’t really know how it was for her, as she was an expert at internalizing everything, but he had a feeling that he wasn’t the only one dealing with feelings about this precarious relationship situation. Of course, he would never jeopardize their careers by truly acting on it, so the only alternative was to push it all down, deep as it could go. It would bubble up over time, and he’d wax poetic about her, and then he’d just shove it back down so far that he didn’t even recognize it anymore. Now, at 30, he was the most decorated figure skater of all time, but an absolute wreck when it came to dealing with his romantic love for his partner. He was so, so screwed.

They had spent all their time, all their precious training, with B2Ten and the mental coaches to get them to the Olympics, to get them gold. It had worked, and together they had achieved everything they’d ever dreamed. It was a glorious feeling, to have all that mean something. It was everything it needed to be, and it should have been enough. It was enough. They reached their goal. All the sacrifice they’d endured to get them there had paid off, but he was starting to realize it hadn’t been a sacrifice at all because he’d been with her. Every step of the way on this journey had been with Tessa, and he still, after everything, was just happy to see her face every day, on the ice or off. Despite the physical aches and pains, the not being able to see his family as often as he wanted, all of that seemed to fall away when he was with Tess. 

The weight of this made his breath hitch. Now he knew, really knew, that losing her might truly end him. Sure, he could put on a brave face—he was a performer, after all—but at this point in their lives, he felt he would be destroyed inside if he couldn’t be with her. The idea of growing apart from her, becoming acquaintances, or even strangers, made him physically ill. Nothing had truly prepared him for this realization, in this aftermath of the greatest moment of their lives. He was overwhelmed and exhausted and felt more exposed than ever. He felt raw.

In the moments and days after their win, they’d been thrust into interview after interview and had discovered quickly that they were now viral sensations, not just “Canada’s Sweethearts.” Having been in the bubble for so long had kept them sheltered from the world’s responses to their short and free dances, but suddenly the floodgates had burst and everyone wanted a piece of them. He was not ready for the world to come at him about his relationship with Tessa, and he was literally exhausted from putting up the mental walls that allowed him to sit down in front of the world and say the phrase “business partnership” without cringing.

It was all so predictable, yet he still found himself unprepared. He should have known it was coming. It had been like this after every Olympics, with the prying eyes and questions of the press poking into the depths of every moment between the two of them. In the past, they were usually able to fend off the questions with little effort, with a smile and a “no.” However, with social media and the popularity of their dances, everything had exploded this time around. It wasn’t just Canadians who were interested in them anymore—it was the whole world.

Frankly, while he was annoyed by the invasion of privacy and inappropriate line of questioning, he understood why those questions were being asked. Their programs were very passionate, as were their characters. People were invested in the storylines and it meant they were doing their jobs well. But when he reflected on his own behavior off ice, during interviews, or in practices and thought about how Tessa responded to him, he could easily see why people wanted to know what was up. Honestly, he wanted to know what was up with them, but they had not had a moment to themselves to really sit down and have a conversation about their potential romantic feelings for each other. 

Something had changed in how they answered those questions, though, whether they had talked about it or not. In their unspoken way, they had somehow agreed to stop saying that, no, they weren’t in a romantic relationship. Tess had expertly deflected and not definitively answered the question on-air during their Today Show interview, which had surprised him a bit. He had followed suit in other interviews, but it started to really wear on him since he didn’t actually have an answer for the world. 

Finally, during a press conference after riding on days of adrenaline and little sleep, he got sassy with one reporter, snapping that their relationship status was, “none of your business.” Luckily, he made it funny, but quickly followed up with the truth as he knew it: they had been married to their sport for a long time and maybe now they could take a break and find time in their life for that. We’ll see what happens, was how he left it. Tess had said nothing, and the questions in his head just grew louder.

And now, after it all, he was falling apart, alone, deep in the basement of the arena. Being outside wasn’t an option right now, not with the massive crowds, so he’d fled in the opposite direction, as far as he could go. Now he was in the cold and quiet depths, but he still could not catch his breath. He anxiously ran his hand over his face, hoping to get his shit together before someone saw him having a meltdown in the hallway.

But his racing mind had other thoughts to throw at him. Reflecting on the whirlwind of the past few days, he was able to see what the world saw and what they kept denying: there was something more than being just pals or teammates between him and Tess. The more interviews they’d done, the more he realized that being near her was all he wanted. He couldn’t stop himself from singing her praises, which he’d always done, but this was a different level. She was so fucking smart and talented and brilliant, and now he knew she was going to leave him to go do all those things she’d put aside for him, for their skating. 

The Olympics were over. Their competitive career, though they’d not officially announced it, was over. What if his glorious, messy, beautiful 20 years with Tess was…over?

Jesus, he couldn’t fucking breathe. As he gulped for air, he realized he was having a panic attack, but he was too far in to climb his way back out on his own. He felt his extremities beginning to tingle and dark spots jumped across his vision. He bent over at the waist, hands on his knees, hoping for some relief, just hoping that he wouldn’t pass out.


	3. Just Done For

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scott continues to reflect after the gala on how he ended up in this mess
> 
> OR
> 
> Their embrace deepened as the panting of their breath became the only sound in the rink. He could feel the feather-light flutter of her long eyelashes against the skin of his neck, sending jolts of electricity through his veins. It was if they were caught in a trance, neither saying a word or making a move. Right now, in this moment, they ceased to be world-class ice dancers Virtue and Moir and were just Tess and Scott. A man and a woman. 
> 
> In that moment, he’d wanted her more than anything in the world, Olympics be damned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The emotional rollercoaster continues! There's still plenty of Scott angst happening here, but it gets a little lighter and sexier in this one...
> 
> Thank you all so much, again, for your wonderful feedback, which keeps me inspired to continue this story. <3 
> 
> Not sure when the next chapter will be up, as the next few days will be busy, but I'm hoping to have something by the weekend! 
> 
> As always, loving the kudos, comments, and shares! Feedback is always welcome!

Chapter Three: Just Done For 

Scott took a few moments to steady himself and tried to breathe deeply and slowly until the dark spots in his vision began to fade away. Eventually, he was able to stand straight again without the world spinning, but he wasn’t convinced it was over. 

He wasn’t sure when exactly it had happened. When he had gone from being Tessa’s best friend to wanting something more. He had no idea how she really felt, but could only imagine, hope, that she felt the same way. What they had was so unique—it was more than most people found in a lifetime of searching. They were, for lack of a better word, soulmates. He hated the idea of somehow cheapening what they had and all they’d accomplished by labeling their relationship as one thing or another, but now that they were on the world stage again, everyone wanted exactly that. In interviews, they’d managed to laugh it off as flattery for their performance skills, or in some cases, giving the world a “we’ll see,” but he wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep at it without at least letting Tess know how he felt.

Unconsciously, he had gravitated toward her for years, as one does after over twenty years together. But more recently, since the comeback, he’d noticed that he was even more affectionate with her than he’d been in their younger years. He’d always been one to wear his heart on his sleeve, and with that came a very touchy-feeling side to him. Chalking it up to the intense hours of training and preparation for competition, Scott had glossed over how often he just felt the need to touch her in some way. 

Honestly, it felt so natural most of the time that it wasn’t until others close to him had commented on it that he had noticed. In their sport, finding a way to touch Tess under the guise of their job was easy; he could hold her hand, touch her back, and give her hugs without it ever seeming weird or out of character. It was literally in his job description to have his hands on her nearly all the time when performing.

Then something changed. Gradually, they’d gone from just a dance hand-hold during practice to interlocking fingers when on the ice but not dancing. It was now second nature that he’d brush her hair off her face when it got caught in her eyelashes or mouth. He taken to rubbing and patting her back comfortingly more often during run-throughs and interviews. They practically snuggled sometimes, for god’s sake, and he would get warm, fuzzy feelings when it all happened. The thing was, it wasn’t just him; she was reciprocating and even initiating the same closeness to the same level most of the time. These intimate gestures were suddenly adding up to something decidedly more than friendly. 

Scott sighed audibly, and it echoed through the empty hallway. The truth of it was, the last couple of years had been the best of his life. He had been working toward this monumental goal, with a great support team behind him, and was doing it in lock-step with his favorite person. Being in the best shape physically and mentally, he felt ready to take on the world, and he did—they did. But it was only because he had Tess by his side. All the stolen, sweet, intimate moments were what made this time more special and so much better than before. Their closeness seemed only to improve their performances, and they had slayed the competition. 

It was so different now than it had been before the comeback. His heart beat kicked up again as he remembered how awkward, alone, and directionless he’d felt after the last Olympics. Maybe that was why he needed Tessa so badly, and why he was in a panic in the basement of the arena. He hadn’t been exaggerating during an interview when he’d said the reason he wanted to come back to skating was to be close to Tessa again, so the idea of being without her was absolutely terrifying.

Back in 2014, he’d been so angry at Marina for putting Meryl and Charlie before him and Tess. He knew their skates had been amazing, but at the time, it felt like a huge blow to his ego to go home with the silver. Then his relationship with Cassandra fell apart. Suddenly, his career and his personal life, which he’d tried to keep so separate from his life with Tessa (for reasons he had never fully explored) had both stalled. 

Scott’s life had quickly become a strange, lonely place, as the break had really been the first time in his life that he wasn’t working towards some competition or another. Tess had moved on, and though he saw her, it wasn’t frequently. She was going to school, starting fashion and jewelry lines, and becoming a socialite of sorts. They still had Stars on Ice together, but it wasn’t the same. It had been like losing a limb and suddenly realizing that the thing you’d relied on for so long wasn’t there anymore to support you.

But since that awful limbo after Sochi, after they had found each other again and agreed that the 2018 Olympics was what they both wanted, both needed, he had found himself being more intimate with her in moments both on and off the ice. 

More and more frequently, Scott noticed that he searched for her touch. He was drawn to her like a magnet. He started to notice that he looked for her whenever she wasn’t next to him, almost anxious when he couldn’t hold her, or touch her, or have her near him. Most recently, when he saw her around other men, his immediate instinct was to get jealous and protective, which was ridiculous from a logical standpoint. Part of him wanted to blame it on the Moulin Rouge role, but he knew better than that.

He’d always been protective of her to some extent because they were close friends, but this was a different level of emotion that would blindside him out of the blue. Like how that damn Arkells concert at COH had nearly done him in the other night. He definitely felt his temper flare when the band had been flirting with Tessa constantly, and she had just eaten it right up. Then she tweeted about it, being all giddy, and it drove him nuts. But he had no real right to feel that way. He had no claim on her, no reason that anyone was aware of why that might bother him. It was a stupid, useless reaction, and luckily, he was aware enough of it that he was able to control himself like an adult. Understandably, those types of things were starting to bother him, nicking at the corners of his mind and forcing him to evaluate his real feelings for her. 

Scott let out a long breath and paced the dim hallway, shaking out his arms and legs, trying to get the tingling to go away, but the exertion just made him more lightheaded. He finally just leaned against and slowly slid down the wall to sit on the cold cement floor. The cold felt good against the heat of his skin and seemed to give him a moment of relief, as he tilted his head back and stared at the ceiling above. 

Somehow, during this comeback, with the need to be near Tess growing exponentially without him realizing, Scott had started to feel deeply attracted to her. Like, really, fiercely attracted to her, not just being aware that she was pretty (he’d always known that). These less-than-appropriate-for-a-business-partnership feelings that had started to crop up became harder and harder to control as time went on. 

It didn’t help that their programs this season were decidedly sensual. It wasn’t as if they were strangers to romantic or sexy programs; they’d even shared light, chaste kisses while in the depths of their characters over the years. But they weren’t kids anymore, and Tess had become more and more adept at acting her part, which meant he’d had to step up his game. It used to be that just a light touch or pining gaze at her would suffice, but that was no longer the case. Now, he was giving her foreplay on the ice, and light touches were often followed or accompanied by running his hands all over her taught body as she writhed beneath him in a scant mesh costume. 

Their chemistry was undeniable, and he knew it was getting dangerous when it felt like electricity crackled between them in those moments. It made for an incredible performance; however, it was becoming harder to come out of his characters sometimes, especially with his feelings for her coming up for air recently, and since he hadn’t dated anyone in a long, long time. 

Tess had always been a bit timid about relationships in general, but she more than made up for her seeming naïveté in real life with her fiery prowess on the ice. It was like she saved all her sexual and romantic energy for practice and performance—he didn’t quite know how she did it. Matching that passion was his job, which with this year’s programs consisted of everything from possessive, passionate, romantic tragedy to pure love to sensual Latin lovers. It certainly wasn’t hard to be sensual with Tessa, and since they were so in tune with each other, it felt more and more like second nature the older and more experienced they became. 

Recently though, all that fire and electricity had become somewhat…problematic. When Scott had to take Tess in his arms in certain moments on the ice, feeling the warmth of her breath so close to his, he would covet the feel of her body underneath his hands. He’d often become so engrossed, so wrapped up in the passion, that he would get carried away. Sometimes, he would just linger a little too long on a move, or his hand would find its way somewhere not choreographed. Other times, it was more obvious, like when he had kissed her neck on multiple occasions during the short dance, including during the team event just weeks ago. She had said nothing to indicate that she didn’t like it, but it was more than likely that she thought he was just in character. Which he was. Until he…wasn’t. 

Scott let out a soft chuckle at the thought.

He could pinpoint when it had started to get out of hand. It had been one night last year when they had been at the rink late to run through the programs again. Surprisingly, the rink had been empty—a rare occurrence. Marie-France and Patrice were at an event out of town, and the other teams had cut their practices short for one reason or another. He had been feeling out of sorts and frustrated with his performance on some of the lifts and step sequences of the short dance, especially after they had made some recent changes. Tessa had graciously agreed to cancel her plans to stay and help him through the block.

After a lot of work together, Scott was thrilled when he’d finally had a breakthrough in smoothing and deepening the edges of the rumba step sequence. Between his excitement and the rapid switch into the sensual second movement of the dance, he had suddenly become hyperaware of how close Tess actually was to him. 

In this awareness, Scott had frozen mid-routine, right after the dip that had her wrapped around and between the deep lunge of his legs. Her lips came precariously close to his in the choreographed faux-kiss, her hand gliding passionately down the side of his face. Tessa’s hot breath whispered tantalizingly close to his mouth. His face flushed as he felt the wave of heat radiating off of her when she slid her entire torso down his chest, flinging her head down and back in mock-ecstasy until his lips touched her neck. 

They had brushed her neck lightly, tasting the salty dampness there. Fueling the fire, he clung to her, keeping her poised and hovering over the ice. His hand still gripped the inside of her thigh, while the other supported her waist and wrapped her tight in a passionate embrace. Instead of swinging her out to continue the dance, he just held her on the ice like that as they glided, untethered, across the rink. They were wrapped in a tangle of arms and legs, and he could smell the sweet, tangy smell of sweat that he’d learned to love coming off of her in light waves. He was breathing hard from the exertion, and so was she, which exponentially heightened his attraction to her. In an instant, the practice had gone from normal to unbelievably sexy. 

Tessa did not make a move to go on to the next part of the dance, which was unusual in itself. She just clung to him, head buried in his neck, in their embrace as they glided to the boards. He gently lifted her back on her skates so she wouldn’t slam awkwardly into the curved wall. As Scott let go of her leg, his hand lingered, slowly running up the curve of her thigh to rest on her hip. The force of their momentum hitting the edge had him firmly pressed up against all of her as she was pinned between him and the wall. He relished in the feeling of his heat melting into hers. 

Their embrace deepened as the panting of their breath became the only sound in the rink. He could feel the feather-light flutter of her long eyelashes against the skin of his neck, sending jolts of electricity through his veins. It was if they were caught in a trance, neither saying a word or making a move. Right now, in this moment, they ceased to be world-class ice dancers Virtue and Moir and were just Tess and Scott. A man and a woman. 

In that moment, he’d wanted her more than anything in the world, Olympics be damned.

Heat pulsed through him and into her. She slowly turned her head up towards him, those gorgeous green eyes heavy-lidded and shining. As his eyes wandered down from hers to her pink lips and back, he wondered what it would be like to taste her. She was so close, and it would be so easy. His other hand held her neck gently, his thumb grazing her cheek, and he was overwhelmed with the fire burning in his body.

With the one hand still on her hip, he could feel the thin fabric of her leotard and leggings, knowing it was the only thing between him and the rest of her. A purely instinctual part of him wanted to lift her legs around him, ripping off her clothes where they stood, to ravish her against the boards on the ice. This imagined scenario coupled with the very real nearness of her thrust his body into overdrive. His arousal suddenly became evident at the thought of her though, and being pressed up against her like this would make it nearly impossible to hide. That in itself was like a cold shock to his system, breaking the spell, and he abruptly pulled away from her. 

Oh, shit, he thought. This was bad. Clearing his throat and shaking his head, he searched for words that might ease the tension in the air. He could barely look at her now, as he was trying desperately to gauge the distance between them as being far enough away that she wouldn’t feel him hard against her, but close enough that she wouldn’t see it. 

Jesus, it’s like I’m a damn teenager, he thought. There had definitely been some awkward teenage moments that were mortifying to him and that had never, ever been talked about. He’d finally just covered his teenage attraction to her changing body by turning into a temperamental, hormonal asshole instead. It gave him a distance from her that he’d thought at the time was essential to him making it through a practice without getting a boner around her. Unfortunately, it had turned into him treating her like crap for a while, which he really regretted. 

Since being a teenage asshole was off the table, he had to figure another way out of this precarious situation. Finally, he was able to look at her, immediately noticing the blush on her pale face as her green eyes slowly searched his face, trying to make sense of this weird moment that she’d also played a part in. 

“Great, um, that was great,” he stammered. “Thanks for staying late to do it…god, I mean, to help me. I, umm…I think I’ve got it down now.” He ran his hand through his hair, embarrassed at his lack of decorum. He looked for an escape, any escape, from the pure torture this situation had become. 

Tess looked at him, tilted her head, and paused, looking serious. Her brow furrowed in what he thought might be contemplation. He tried not to make any assumptions, but he was dying a little inside at the thought of making her uncomfortable. 

And then, out of nowhere, she started to giggle. She tried to cover it with her hand instantly, as though it had slipped past without her permission, but it was too late. Full-on Tessa giggles were underway.

He felt the hot, red flush of embarrassment whip through him, and then he was laughing, too. When Tessa got on a roll with a laughing fit, there was no stopping it, and despite everything, he couldn’t help but laugh at the ridiculousness of the whole situation. Tears started leaking from the corners of her eyes as she snorted into one hand while she gripped the edge with the other, trying to keep her balance on the ice. 

“Well, shit,” he said, laughing with her, running his hands over his face. She tried looking at him again, but started laughing and snorting even harder. His ego was bruised, to be sure, but this was certainly better than the awkward silence that had proceeded it. This was why he and Tessa worked, and why they were so good together now, after so many years. And listening to her laugh, even when it was at his expense, never, ever got old. If he could make her laugh for the rest of her life, he would die happy.

Still, as he got ready to leave the rink that night to head home, there had been a twinge of concern in the back of his mind. How had he let it get to the point where the lines of his character and his real self had blurred so badly? He’d noticed it happening more and more, but couldn’t seem to stop it. Even though Tessa made no indication that it bothered her in any way, it still wasn’t professional, and there was a sense of unrest and confusion underneath it all that made him very uneasy. 

Granted, it had been awhile since he’d been with anyone, and he was only human, after all. She was incredibly beautiful, and he spent half his days up in her personal space. Their intense training did not leave much time for things such as relationships and sex, but this was more than just sexual attraction—it was Tess. He knew every part of her without truly having known every part of her. 

He should’ve known then and there that he was done for.


	4. Just Not Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scott's memories stave off his panic attack...until they don't.
> 
> OR
> 
> God, the feel of her was intoxicating. In that moment, he had been drunk off of Tess and the thrill of doing what he absolutely loved—skating—with her. When it was just them like this, in their bubble, he felt complete. He realized that this added level of intensity they were playing at just made everything more vibrant for him in their relationship, both in performance and off the ice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I *may* have been inspired by a gif set for the sexy part at the beginning of the chapter! I couldn't help myself. ;-) 
> 
> I hope the flow of this one is okay, as I wanted things a little lighter before what's coming...
> 
> Thank you for your encouraging comments--they are definitely the fire under me that is getting me writing every day to get chapters out to you quickly!
> 
> Sexiness and angst your way, my loves! <3 Hope you like it!

Chapter Four: Just Not Okay

Coming back into the present for a moment, Scott wondered how long it would be until someone came looking for him. Time felt all wonky, and he had no idea how long he’d actually been down here. It was strange, really—greeting the fans and celebrating with the other skaters had always been fun in the past, but not this time around. In the state he was in, he just couldn’t muster all the energy necessary to do it. He was exhausted, and while he didn’t really want to think about the future, or even the present, remembering the good moments in the past was helping him from completely spinning out. 

The attraction Scott felt for Tess during that practice last year had been just the tip of the iceberg. After her unexpected reaction to their intimate moment, he found himself in a slightly precarious position. He was still her dance partner, and they still had to get cozy on the ice for their programs; however, he was wary of crossing any more lines because he hadn’t wanted it to interfere with their skating. Essentially, he had to be attracted to her just enough: too much led to awkward what-were-they-to-each-other questions, but too little resulted in making their skating performances fall flat. So, he’d made it work as best he could and tried to focus more on their end goal of winning gold at the Olympics rather than harboring the need to rip her clothes off during practice. 

In the days after that night in the rink, he noticed that fighting his attraction to her just made him anxious and unfocused, so he had decided to just leave it be and let it happen. Tess didn’t give any indication that she was changing her behavior with him after that night, leaving him both relieved and somewhat confused. He’d quickly found a work-around for himself by starting to use humor to be more intimate with her on the ice. He’d over-exaggerate sexy movements during practice just to make her laugh and would wiggle his eyebrows at her in a suggestible way to distract her. But often, despite him trying to turn the moment into something funny, they would still end up quite caught up in each other, hands everywhere, their bodies humming with unrequited desire. 

It had gotten a bit out of hand when they carried this into competition practice. Scott smirked thinking about how heated they’d gotten at last fall’s Autumn Classic short dance practice. They had both been in costume already, and Tessa was in this amazingly sexy black-and-mesh number with gold accents that had him spinning since the first moment he’d seen it on her. Though it had a high, bejeweled gold neck and long mesh sleeves, it was completely open in the back and was only see-through mesh in the front, both above and below the black triangles over her breasts. The slit of the skirt up her left side was so high to her hip, they’d worried initially that she might get docked points for it. It was mesmerizing, and he found it increasingly difficult to keep his hands off of her. 

But when he saw her at the beginning of the competition practice, he was overcome by his attraction for her. She looked amazing, and she knew it, winking at him when she caught him staring as they waited for their turn on the ice. He definitely was having trouble reigning it in—something about the adrenaline and nervousness for the competition combined with the sensual nature of the short dance and that damn costume of hers set him ablaze. 

Finally, once they were on the ice, they worked a couple of specific sections. It was choreographed that after a spin he was supposed to skate up low behind her, while she was sexily dragging her hand down the side of her face and down her chest, and he was to dramatically run his right hand across her stomach and then graze back up over her chest to her right shoulder. The choreography never had his front actually touching her back as he slid back to his normal height, before spinning her out and behind him into a complex step sequence. Easy enough after all the work they’d been putting in.

But, what happened instead was that Scott got so into the moment, into loving the skate, and Tess, and the sensual Latin beat, that he just threw the choreography out the window. He remembered the instant it happened: after his spin, he came up low behind her and smelled the sweet strawberry smell of her hair. Somehow, that was the thing that pushed him over the edge—the smell of her shampoo. He could practically smell it now, deep as he was in the memory.

Suddenly, he’d been on fire. All he’d wanted was his hands, his body, to be one with Tessa’s. He couldn’t get enough of her, which became evident quite quickly. Time slowed to a crawl, and the sound to their music drifted off like they were suddenly underwater. Since he was in a wide stance, he was lower and shorter than her for a moment, but every atom in him screamed to feel her against him, and he closed the distance between them in an instant. Untamed, he thrust his hips up into her backside, his chest pressed into her as he slid to standing. He buried his face into her shoulder blades, pressing his open mouth to her cool skin in a fervent kiss. 

As soon as the bare flesh of her back came in contact with his lips and his exposed skin from the deep V in his costume, he couldn’t stop both of his hands as they wrapped around the front of her. Senses buzzing, he wanted even more of her and took it, not caring about anything other than getting her closer to him in any way. The mesh of her costume scraped under his palms as he ravaged the front of her body with his hands. While his right arm took the path of the original choreography, this time sliding more deliberately and firmly over her breasts to her shoulder, her arm reached up and behind her, grasping his arm encouragingly, on this ride with him, matching his intensity. 

In the present, Scott closed his eyes, reliving every detail of that moment with her. When a soft moan had escaped her lips, and he’d nearly came undone at the sweet sound. This in itself had heightened his arousal, causing a guttural sound from the depths of his chest that was caught at the nape of her neck, fueling the fire inside him. His left arm snaked up around her pelvis. It was so low he felt the jewels on the edge of the fabric on her very short skirt as they caught on his pinky finger, just lightly brushing the tender parts of her, threatening to expose her even more. Dragging his hand up to her belly, he firmly pressed her back into him, as if saying, “You’re mine”. 

He burned, feeling her so passionately pressed into him, responding eagerly to his touch. Her hand went past his on her shoulder and sensually wrapped around to the back of his neck, brushing his longer-than-normal hair, as if giving him permission to continue this dangerous game they were playing at. Goosebumps tingled under her hand, as his hair stood up on end in response to her touch. This was moment was on another level physically, and he wanted so much more. No one existed in that arena at that moment except for him and Tess. 

Then their skates had bumped slightly as his boots pulled in closer, surrounding her. It was enough to remind him that they had to be careful to not tangle their blades, lest they end up sprawled on the ice on accident. Breathing heavily, he looked down, his forehead now pressed to the back of her head, his hair catching in the tie at the nape of her neck. Her hand gripped the back of his head as she turned her head, angling it slightly, giving him better access to her neck. He was glad her arm and the turn of her head hid his face for a moment as he lingered, pulling his right hand back down the length of her side, fingers splayed to feel as much of her as possible. He slowed the descent to savor the feeling of her heaving chest, his thumb catching the flimsy material of the costume, whispering promises unfulfilled and leaving him wishing he could just continue this forever. 

God, the feel of her was intoxicating. In that moment, he had been drunk off of Tess and the thrill of doing what he absolutely loved—skating—with her. When it was just them like this, in their bubble, he felt complete. He realized that this added level of intensity they were playing at just made everything more vibrant for him in their relationship, both in performance and off the ice. 

Both his hands now splayed around her hips as they glided forward. The sound of the ice under their skates caught his attention as their momentum slowed. As she leaned back into him, arm dragging back again over his neck, he felt her trust in him completely. His mind and time began to find its way back to normal. Scott’s hands came to rest where her lower back met the curve of her butt, and he remembered pausing there briefly, enjoying the feeling. 

As if waking up from a dream, he suddenly realized where they actually were and what they were doing. Other skaters zipped around them, close to the boards and the sounds of the bustling arena came flooding back as if someone had pressed the mute button to turn the sound back on.

What the fuck am I doing? he’d chided himself, suddenly self-conscious. He pulled his hands off of her like she had burned him and skated to the side of her. He needed some distance to pull himself together, but he couldn’t leave her completely. Grabbing her wrist gently, he met her gaze. He must have looked disheveled, as a flop of hair fell in front of his eyes. Tess looked poised and beautiful, as always, with her green eyes smoldering at him. 

They stared at each other for a few moments, knowing that though it had seemed like a lifetime, their on-ice passion play had only taken mere seconds. Looking around, it didn’t even seem like anyone had noticed the indiscretion, and those who had probably thought it was part of the choreography. Breathless, communicating without saying a word, they nodded at each other: they would keep going with practice and let the moment fade into the background. 

It had been fun flirting with her like this, having these moments of unbridled passion erupt on the ice, but ultimately, he was still having to dive into these passionate characters with her every day. Not always being able to tell where the tangle of his character’s emotions coincided with his own, it was something he had to figure out by himself. He was still Scott, having feelings for Tessa, while playing characters that had feelings for her characters. And he couldn’t always tell where Tess began and her characters ended, either, compounding the issue. Was it Tess out there in these intimate, passionate moments, or was it one of her personas? Was she having the same problem as he was blurring the two? He still had no idea. It was confusing at best and continued to be a challenge for him mentally. 

However, the result of their increasing personal chemistry was surprisingly awesome for their sport. They had been on fire since the comeback, winning title after title, working towards that ultimate goal. It meant everything to him that he got to do it with Tess, and whatever unspoken feelings they were acting on were just a strange bonus. 

Coming out of his memories, Scott breathed deeply as he leaned into the concrete wall, wishing it was her he was leaning against. He felt the ache of her absence, as a twinge of panic ran through him. Something pulled in him, some instinct that he had to find her and be near her to not fall apart, but he felt frozen in his emotional state.

“Scott?” he heard her voice echo through the cavernous underbelly of the arena and whipped his head up. It was one of their eerie connections, as though she had known somehow that he needed her and had just appeared. He got up from the floor too fast, however, and stars danced across his vision. He swayed and shot his hand out searching for the leverage of the wall to lean against.

“Oh my god! Scott? Are you okay?” Seeing him lose his balance, Tessa rushed to him, circling her arms around him to steady him. He inwardly sighed with relief at the contact. The tightness around his heart released slightly, and he could breathe again.

Fear flashed across her face seeing him like this. He was not one to outwardly show weakness normally, and he must have looked like hell because her hands were suddenly all over him, checking for injuries and feeling his forehead.

“What’s wrong? What can I do?” she said, obviously trying to cover her slight panic at his state while remaining calm and composed. She cupped the sides of his face, her cool, dry hands smooth against his flushed skin.

“I’m…” He was going to say he was fine. He was going to try and continue as if nothing had changed, but then he looked into her eyes. Her caring, warm gaze searched him and filled him with so much emotion. She was everything to him and the weight on his shoulders was too heavy. The tears that had threatened all day sprung to the surface, and he couldn’t hold them back, even though he was desperate not to cry. 

“I’m…I’m not okay, Tess,” he whispered painfully, as the tears finally came and he crumpled into her.


	5. Just Talk to Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scott has to explain himself to Tessa
> 
> OR
> 
> But in this moment, he was so conflicted. He didn’t know if he could, or even should, tell her how he was feeling. Scott wanted to protect her from himself, wanted to reassure her that he was fine; however, at the same time, he wanted to lay his soul bare for her and tell her everything. This struggle had the words frozen on his tongue. How could he make her understand?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Saturday, all! <3
> 
> Well, this one's a doozy. It was a rollercoaster to write, so I can't wait to see what you think!
> 
> I'm apologizing in advance... ;-)
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me! You guys are the best. <3

Chapter Five: Just Talk to Me

Scott hunched, leaning his head into the bare skin of her shoulder, feeling the angle of Tessa’s collarbone and the soft skin there. As the wetness streamed silently down his face, his tears collected in that delicate space, and he could taste the salt where his lips touched her. His arms wrapped tight around her, hands gripping the skin of her back for dear life. He held her so tightly that he had to pull back a bit, feeling as though he might crush her with the need to know she was actually there in front of him. He shuddered slightly with the release of the sob that had been clawing its way out of him since they had taken the ice.

Tessa gently held him, her delicate arms around his neck, like they had been so many times before, and stroked his hair lightly, comfortingly. She said nothing, letting him be vulnerable without question. Her calm presence flowed outward and into him as his tears finally began to subside. Judging by the feeling of her heartbeat fluttering quickly in her chest, he could sense that she was very concerned about him. Their close connection made it so; even in his emotional state, this was obvious to him.

Pulling away slightly, he felt strands of her dark hair catching in his fingers. It was slightly unkempt from being half down during the dance, which he loved, as it created a gloriously imperfectly-perfect picture of her in his mind. Tess was beautiful all the time, but he loved her even more in the moments when she wasn’t perfectly coiffed for the cameras.

Tess brought her hands back around to cup his face and brushed loose strands of his hair off of his forehead. Then, she was wiping his tears away with her thumbs, a gesture so loving and intimate it made him ache inside. Her eyes searched his, trying to assess what he was going through, but he couldn’t handle that right now, not when he was trying so desperately to keep his feelings at bay. As if knowing this, she brought her forehead to his and just rested it there for a moment as he caught his breath.

“Scott—just talk to me,” she barely whispered, sounding almost afraid to finally break the silence. Her voice broke slightly, reaffirming her concern for him. Sometimes, they were so tightly linked that his emotions became hers, and vice versa. Hearing this concern in her voice brought him back to reality, as he didn’t want her to be upset, too. Or maybe he did want her to be a little upset, to show that this last dance was hard on her, too. 

He pulled back, breaking contact with her, wiping the remaining tears quickly from under his eyes, and tried to pull himself together. He couldn’t look at her. She was too stunning, standing there before him in her demure ruby-red costume. Somehow, the dress captured the innocence of her youth and the intelligent beauty of her adulthood all at once. She looked both sweet and breathtakingly sexy, and altogether Tessa Virtue. 

He stood there, searching for the words to tell her everything. He didn’t know how to say what he was feeling—it had never been his strong suit, and even though they had worked for years on their communication in therapy, he still couldn’t always articulate what was going on with him. 

He’d always been the one with the more mercurial personality. His ups and downs could come and go in a flash, and he knew that it was often hard on his relationship with Tess, especially in their younger years. In the past, he had often lashed out at her in frustration or anger, even though it was not usually her he was angry with. She had taken the responsibility of his emotions on herself for a long time and would internalize them. It had caused problems in the past, but since this comeback, he had gotten much better at stating what he was feeling, and she, in turn, had stopped internalizing her emotions so much. 

But in this moment, he was so conflicted. He didn’t know if he could, or even should, tell her how he was feeling. Scott wanted to protect her from himself, wanted to reassure her that he was fine; however, at the same time, he wanted to lay his soul bare for her and tell her everything. This struggle had the words frozen on his tongue. How could he make her understand?

Trying to remember what the therapist had said about communicating his feelings, he cleared his throat and his voice croaked from sickness and emotion. “I’m feeling like this is the end of everything, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it,” the words rushed out. “And I’m feeling like you don’t even care that this is the end.” 

What in the hell was that? he thought. That last part wasn’t what he was trying to say. He didn’t even know where it had come from. But now that he had said it, it rang true. She hadn’t been acting like any of this was affecting her. Why was that? This realization suddenly shifted the tenor of his emotions from devastation to resentment. 

Scott saw Tess trying to process what he had just revealed. It ran across her face, quickly, as she shook her head from sadness and shock. “Of course, I care,” she stammered, trying to comprehend and empathize.

“Really? You do? Because it just looks to me like you’ve been having a gay old time relishing in the fact that this is our last competition and that we don’t have to do this anymore,” he said, pushing all of the feelings that had been consuming him back into the deep recesses of his mind, and thrusting these, raw, angry, not-thought-out feelings up to the surface. A small voice in the back of his mind told him to stop, that he was just doing this so he wouldn’t have to tell her how he really felt, but his infamous temper had grabbed the reins. Now he was just verbally lashing out at her.

“What are you even saying, Scott? You know that’s not true. I’ve loved this experience with you, and I’m not happy to see it go, but we’ve done such amazing things! We did everything possible and reached our goal, and now we get to enjoy it,” she whipped back at him, confusion and emotion beginning to fill her eyes. 

“Oh, were you not enjoying it before?” he shot back, sarcasm dripping from his hoarse voice. He was out of control and out of line, and he knew it, but it was too late. He had buckled in for the ride.

“Oh my god, you know that is not what I meant!” she said, her own voice cracking as she defensively crossed her arms in front of her, eyes rolling despite herself. “You were enjoying it for days, in front of the whole world, in case you don’t remember,” she dug back at him, reminding him of his inebriated behavior at the USA vs CAN women’s hockey game earlier that week, which had blasted into the media when he’d been caught on camera yelling at the refs. 

Because he hadn’t had a drink in months due to their intense training, it hadn’t taken much to get him drunk and having a blast with Team Canada at the game. He had skipped the mandatory practice for the gala to go to the game, leaving Tess on her own, but she hadn’t really seemed like she’d minded at the time. After he sobered up and saw that the world had erupted with “Scott Moir Is All of Canada” memes, he had been pretty embarrassed. Even though the press and attention was all in fun, he’d really felt like he’d inappropriately stolen the spotlight from the team. Then, as they went to watch other events, the cameras were trained on him like hawks, watching to see what silly thing he might do next. He’d just wanted to relax and have fun, but it didn’t even seem like he could do that without the world weighing in. Tessa knew this was a sore spot, and unusually, she was throwing it back in his face. It pissed him off, pushing his temper even more out of control.

He laughed snidely. “Oh, well, you don’t have to worry about any of that do you? You are just so poised and perfect all of the time. Do you ever enjoy yourself?” he remarked venomously.

“Jesus,” she said, as if she’d been slapped.

“Oh, that’s right, you do! You seemed to be having LOTS of fun with the band the other night. Couldn’t stop gushing over them. You know they all just want to have sex with you, right?” he spat. 

Fuck. 

He knew the moment it came out that he’d really crossed the line. He never, in a million years, would insinuate that her only worth was as a sexual object for men to ogle over. He didn’t believe that. But he was suddenly just so fucking angry at her for not understanding how he felt (even though he couldn’t seem to actually tell her). It just flew out of his mouth before he knew what was happening. 

Tessa’s eyes widened and her lips quivered as she took in the slander he’d just thrown at her. A single tear pooled in her eye and dropped down her cheek as she stepped back from him, looking shocked and afraid at what he might say or do next. 

Seeing only red, he plowed through, fueled by his anger and the need to say something else to get her to forget the hideous thing he’d just said, and the words just kept tumbling out of his mouth: 

“You DON’T care—you’re not even really going to spend time with your family when we get back home. You’re just gonna jump on a plane as soon as you can to fly off to your beloved Provence, anything to get on with the rest of your life!” he threw at her, voice echoing and reverberating loudly around them, throwing his words back at him and reminding him just how far gone he actually was. His thoughts were spinning out of control, his chest heaving from the poisonous tsunami of anger he’d just unleashed on Tess.

Scott spun around, turning his back on her. It was something he hated to do normally (he’d not even been able to handle doing it during a game they played in their Olympic Channel interview a couple of days before), but he couldn’t look at her. Putting his hands on the top of his head, he hoped they could somehow keep him from flying off the handle any more than he already had. He drew in a deep breath, then another, trying to calm himself down. He was a fucking idiot. He closed his eyes, knowing that he had to finish this.

“Wow.” Her voice was low and icy, but reached him anyway. 

He turned to face her. When he stepped towards her, reaching out, she stopped him, putting up her hand as a boundary. He froze. Her face had turned to porcelain stone, something she’d do when she was internalizing everything and shutting down. She closed her eyes, as if to control herself and what she’d say next, because she was like that. She actually thought before speaking. 

“This,” she continued quietly, firmly, “this is old Scott behavior. This is what you do…” her voice broke slightly with the emotion she was trying to control. “This is what you do when you can’t find the words to say what you really feel. This is not okay, and you know it. You know better.” She said it slowly, as if trying to convince herself that it was true. 

It was absolutely true.

This truth ripped through him, tearing the wind out of his sails. He had flayed her out, and she had seen right through him, and, in turn, had destroyed him back by being his mirror. He didn’t deserve her or her forgiveness. Maybe that was what he wanted—if he pushed her far enough away, she couldn’t hurt him. He’d done it before, and it had never stuck, so why he thought it would work now was beyond him. 

“Tess,” he whispered, almost pleading, the anger gone as fast as it had come. Her green eyes were a mossy stone, just reflecting his behavior right back at him. She looked like a goddess standing there, just waiting, armed with twenty years of knowledge of the ins and outs of his personality.

He had no choice. He couldn’t keep up this game anymore. He was wrecked, and now he was hurting her, which was the last thing in the world that he wanted.

Defeated, he finally needed to say what he really felt. In contrast to the yelling from moments before, his voice came out low and quiet, barely audible. 

“You’re going to leave me, T. You are so damn smart and have so much going for you. You are going to go conquer the world…without me,” he whispered, the real words finally pouring out of him, and now he couldn’t stop them. “I’m just a simple country boy from Ilderton that was fortunate to be decent enough at skating to stand by your side for twenty years, working to give you the world. And now that’s done. You don’t need me anymore. We’re gonna go back home, and you are going to move on and be brilliant, and I’ll just go back to being that country boy who was lucky enough to be Tessa Virtue’s skating partner once.” He pursed his lips together, jaw clenching to keep his emotions at bay. He looked away, closing his eyes, and ran his hand over his face, as he was wont to do when he was feeling self-conscious. Silence hung heavy in the air as neither said a word for what felt like the longest moment of his life. He turned back to her.

“Tessa, I love you,” he said. 

“I love you, too, Scott,” she said, jumping in to reassure him, voice cracking with emotion. But she said it just like they’d always said it—that they loved each other as friends and family, but nothing more. And that was not how he meant it, and this time, after everything, he couldn’t let it slide. 

“No, Tess,” he shook his head, finally looking straight into those gorgeous green eyes that consumed him, “I’m in love with you.” 

His heart pounded so hard in his chest, she could probably hear it. 

One beat, then another.

He heard a gasp of breath escape her lips, as her eyes widened to saucers. 

“Scott, I…,” she began, voice softly reaching out to him.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, the double doors to the basement flew open with a loud crash. Scott and Tessa whipped around toward the sound. Scott practically jumped out of his skin.

Are you fucking kidding me? Scott wondered remorsefully, and he watched this monumental moment between them disintegrate before his very eyes.


	6. Just Believe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scott is at a loss after bad timing interrupts a crucial moment between him and Tess.
> 
> OR
> 
> He couldn’t blame anyone but himself for how he was feeling right now. Scott wanted to know what she had been about to say…but, honestly, at the same time, he was a little relieved to have been interrupted. He hated to admit to himself that he was afraid of how Tessa would respond to his confession. What were they supposed to do if she didn’t feel the same way? He hadn’t really thought that far, hadn’t thought about how she might react when he told her that he was in love with her. 
> 
> This was a goddamn mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, all! Feeling some major Monday vibes today, so figured I needed to get writing and posting! 
> 
> This was one of the more challenging chapters to write so far. Thanks for being patient while life and some research needed to happen. :-) 
> 
> I'm interested to know what you all think about this one!
> 
> Loves and Happy Reading! <3

Chapter Six: Just Believe

Scott and Tessa watched, visibly shaken out of their intense moment, as their friend, Patrick ‘Chiddy’ Chan, appeared, bounding down the hallway towards them. He was decked out in head-to-toe red and white Team Canada gear and had a giant smile on his face. 

Of course, Scott thought. Of course this was happening now, right after he’d bared his soul to Tess and before she could reply. In his head, Scott cursed his dear friend Chiddy for his impeccably bad timing. 

“There you guys are! Everybody’s been looking all over for you—we’ve got pictures to do and people to see!” Chiddy exclaimed, obviously pumped from the excitement from the gala and the relief of it all being over. He abruptly slid to a stop, suddenly taking in the tense situation in front of him, eyes darting back and forth between Tessa and Scott, realizing he’d just walked into the middle of something. He tried to backtrack, but there was no way out, and they all knew it.

Scott glared daggers at his friend, who seemed incredibly uncomfortable and somewhat concerned. Tess looked panicked and frozen as she tried to process all of the things that had just happened, and he knew her overactive mind must be spinning.

“Hey…Uh, everything okay, guys?” the words dragging out as Chiddy awkwardly tried to cover his tracks. 

“No,” he blurted out. Apparently, he was on an honesty kick, but he also knew himself well—there was no way in hell that he looked fine right now and lying to Chiddy about it was pointless.

“Yes,” Tess said quickly, at the exact same time as Scott. 

They stared at each other for a moment. He couldn’t tell if she was saying yes because she wanted it to appear that everything was fine and dandy, or if she was trying to cover for him, or if she was saying yes because she was actually in love with him and was happy about this revelation. He doubted the latter, however, since she didn’t look very happy. She looked frantic. His heart sank in his chest and there was no way for him to clarify things with her since Chiddy was standing there, looking very, very confused. 

“Everything’s fine, Chiddy,” Tess continued with lightning speed, in her classic dealing-with-the-media voice that she was so good at. “Scott isn’t feeling great after the skate. His cold screwed up his inner ear and made him all dizzy, but we’re dealing with it.”

Scott was impressed. If Tessa’s voice hadn’t been an octave higher than normal, he might have almost believed her. They looked at each other for a moment as he tried to decide if he was going to play along with this story. Finally, he gave a non-committal nod-shake of his head and started walking towards Chiddy and the doors. Chiddy shot him a questioning look as he marched past, and Scott shot one back that said, “Not now.” 

He was dealing with too many emotions to talk—he was pissed at Chiddy for interrupting them, pissed at himself for being an asshole to Tess, wrecked from the rollercoaster of feelings that he’d was on, and he hated leaving this critical, potentially very life changing conversation hanging in midair. Now, he just wanted out of there, away from the catastrophe he’d created, even if it meant he had to throw himself back into the crowd. 

The show must go on, he thought, busting through the doors and heading back up the stairs, leaving Tessa and Chiddy behind.

He couldn’t blame anyone but himself for how he was feeling right now. Scott wanted to know what she had been about to say…but, honestly, at the same time, he was a little relieved to have been interrupted. He hated to admit to himself that he was afraid of how Tessa would respond to his confession. What were they supposed to do if she didn’t feel the same way? He hadn’t really thought that far, hadn’t thought about how she might react when he told her that he was in love with her. 

This was a goddamn mess. 

He heard Tess and Chiddy coming up behind him, but didn’t want to slow his ascent. He might not make it through if he stopped now. Then, he heard the sounds of what seemed to be hundreds of happy people, laughing and talking, a cacophony of energy coming at him, and he braced himself for impact. Trying for his best smile, he entered the throngs of people, and was instantly shaking hands and responding to people calling his name. Smile plastered on the best he could, he let the people, autographs, and pictures take over some of the space of his ruminations. 

“Scott! Finally!” someone shouted at him. His Team Canada friends found him, pulling him over for a group photo. Suddenly, Tess was thrust in by his side. She looked at him pensively, in a way he couldn’t quite read, gaze lingering on him. He looked away, toward the camera, hoping the myriad of emotions wouldn’t read on his face. She leaned in towards him for the picture, and he felt her arm brush his, but being next to her was almost impossible right now. With their intimate connection, he could practically feel the waves of uncertainty coming off of her. Scott was too worried about what she might say or do, and he wanted to escape her, a far cry from needing her so desperately less than half an hour ago. If he could avoid her, maybe he wouldn’t have to deal with the repercussions of his actions quite so soon. 

As soon as the pictures were done, he moved away from her as quickly as possible. He thought he heard her say his name, but he kept walking as though he hadn’t. He knew he was being a jerk, but he couldn’t do this here, in front of all these people. He felt too volatile and unpredictable. Their conversation would just have to wait. 

“Scotty!” a comforting voice said nearby. 

“Mom?” He turned and there was Alma. She brought him in for a hug before he could say anything else. She gripped him in tight, as if she knew he needed it. He hadn’t known it, but it was exactly what he needed in that moment. 

“Your dad and brothers headed back to the hotel already, but they said they’d see you at dinner so you shouldn’t be ‘butt-hurt’ about it,” she chuckled. She pulled back to have a look at him, and her smiling face changed immediately to concern. 

“Oh, honey. Let’s get you out of here,” she said, grabbing his hand, knowing with a motherly instinct that her son wasn’t doing well. She was fast and on a mission, and he let her lead him through the crowd back toward the locker rooms. As the mother of three boys and a skating coach herself, his mom could be a force to be reckoned with, and no one in the crowd got in their way.

He was grateful that his mother didn’t ask him anything specific until after he’d changed and grabbed all of his stuff. As he used a make-up removing wipe on his face, he caught a glimpse of his pale, sallow reflection in the mirror. His eyes had a hollow, dark look to them. Jesus, he looked like hell. He needed answers. He needed rest.

They took the athletes’ exit door and headed out of the arena. Part of him felt badly that he was just abandoning Tessa without telling her where he was going. They always checked in with each other if they weren’t together, but he just couldn’t bring himself to text her. Instead, he shot one to Chiddy, who would most likely still be around Tess, and typed, “With Alma. Tell T. Thx.” Thrusting his phone back in his pocket, he hoped that would be enough for now. He hoped he could somehow salvage this, yet he needed time to think. His phone buzzed in this pocket, but he ignored it.

Feeling the ice-cold air after being stuck inside for so long was a bit of a shock to his system, but a relieving one. He drew in a deep breath, and the air burned his lungs a little. Then, he walked arm in arm with his mom around the promenade in silence. He tried to enjoy the sunny weather that had blessed Korea since the Olympics began. 

“Are you ready to tell me what’s going on yet?” Alma finally said gently, after they were a good distance away from any prying eyes and ears. 

Scott continued walking, staring straight ahead, distracted by the buzzing phone vibrating in his pocket. He sighed, looking at it and seeing a bunch of messages from Chiddy and Tess. He put the phone away, as if that could make it all disappear. 

His mom knew him too well for him to try to lie to her. He’d learned early in his life that lying to Alma was a huge mistake, and she always found out anyway, so he was almost always better off just telling her the truth from the get go. 

Alma also understood how his emotions could over-run him. He was her passionate son with the kind soul. She, too, wore her heart on her sleeve, though in a quieter way than he did (she could tear up at the drop of a hat). She would mention from time to time how she used to have to “hold him in” when his temper would flare. Both of them knew there was just no hiding when he was mad or emotional. It was written all over his face. That’s what made him a terrible poker player, yet it served him very well as a performer. She had encouraged him in his adulthood to process his emotions more constructively than he had earlier in his life, and was happy at how far he and Tess had come in communicating with each other. 

Basically, he decided that trying to hide this situation from his mom would be futile. Scott stayed quiet for another moment while his mom just waited. He wasn’t quite sure how to start.

“So…I think I finally I figured out I’m in love with Tess,” he eventually got out. He was a bit nervous at what his mom’s reaction might be. Alma loved Tess like a daughter already, but it was his first time saying anything like this out loud to anyone other than T, and he was self-conscious. 

“Oh, finally, eh?” she replied with a chuckle. She surprised him with her somewhat joking response. He shot her a shocked look. 

“Mom!” he said in an annoyed tone. She tilted her head and pursed her lips at him in typical mom fashion. 

“Sorry—I hate to break it to you, Scotty, but you might be the last one to know it.” She held her hands up as if to say, “Don’t shoot the messenger!” 

Scott shook his head and looked down, embarrassed. Granted, it was his mom and she knew him really well, but she’d made it sound like everyone knew. Was he really that transparent? 

Alma continued, more serious this time, “Does she know?” She gently grabbed his hand in hers, bulky mittens and all. He nodded and looked off in the distance. He ignored the repeated buzzing of his phone, choosing to tell her the abbreviated version of what had happened.

“I screwed up, mom. Today was our last skate on competitive ice, and it really messed with me…” he began, voice raspy from his cold and choked with emotion. “Because I’m terrified she’s going to leave me behind and…and that I’ll lose her. It’s like I didn’t realize until today how much I really need her, and now imagining life without her is my worst nightmare,” he admitted.

Alma just nodded, continuing to listen quietly until he finished. He was grateful.

“I started having a panic attack after the finale. Tess came and found me after I’d bolted from the rink, but I freaked out and was a total ass to her. And then I told her I was in love with her. Before she could say anything, Chiddy showed up out of nowhere,” he verbally vomited in one long breath. He looked at his mom, hoping for some sage advice.

“So, you don’t know how she feels, and now you don’t know what to do with yourself,” his mom finished.

“Pretty much,” he breathed in the cold air deeply. “What a mess, eh?”

Alma nodded and looked off into the distance with him for a moment before responding. “Scott, I’ve known for a very long time that you and Tessa have something special between you. Something that no one else can ever touch, or even really understand. Anyone can see that. But if you want to keep her in your life, if you want to have something more than what you have now, you have to fight for her. Running away from this isn’t going to work,” she motioned to the still-buzzing phone in his pocket. “You have to talk to her—without losing your temper—,“ she added in that motherly way, “and you have to remember to listen to what she has to say, too.” 

Scott clenched his jaw. His mom was right, of course. He was lashing out and running away, like he had when Tess had surgery the first time. 

“Yeah,” he sighed. “You’re right, of course you’re right.” He brought her in for a side hug. She hugged him back and sniffled a little. “Oh, don’t start with that, ma, cuz then I’m gonna start,” he teased her as she teared up. She smiled at him bashfully and wiped her eyes. 

“I just want you to be happy. I want both of you to be happy. Preferably together, so don’t mess this up any more,” she stated, looking at him, giving him a playful punch on the arm. That made him laugh so hard he started choking. He smiled at her, but then the laugh turned into a coughing fit, and he realized he really didn’t feel well, situation with Tessa aside. 

Concerned, his mom pulled off her glove and pushed a sweaty lock of hair off his forehead. She felt his skin under her hand. He hadn’t even realized he was sweating—he had no reason to be at this point. She shook her head, “I think you might have a fever, hon. We should get you back to your room.”

“I don’t feel great,” he croaked. As the fatigue took over, he let his mom guide him back, as if he were still her little boy. After a moment of silence, he stopped and looked at Alma. 

“Mom, what if she doesn’t love me back?” the words caught in his throat as he said them, as if they didn’t want to be heard for fear of it coming true. 

“She loves you back,” his mom whispered, almost reverently, and they walked on. 

He wished he could believe that.


	7. Just a Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A sick Scott has to deal with the consequences of his actions
> 
> OR
> 
> Ugh, he thought, just wanting to roll over and go back to sleep to escape his aching body and aching heart, but he couldn’t. He had dinner with his family and then he had to pack. He flopped his phone back on the nightstand and ran his hands over his eyes, trying to get the sleep and tears out of them. Weary, he had no idea when he was supposed to find time in the near future to be alone with Tess to talk to her about this, just the two of them. He looked back over at the phone. He hated texting, but he didn’t have a lot of options at the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the positive feedback on the last chapter! I'm so glad you all liked it and liked Alma's cameo!
> 
> I hope you like this one, too. It's a little all over the board tone-wise, so I hope it comes off okay! 
> 
> Thanks for taking the time to read my musings. <3 As always, feedback is welcome! 
> 
> Loves and xx's :-)

Chapter Seven: Just a Dream

Fever dreams plagued Scott as he tried to sleep off his sickness. This one, of course, was about her. It started similarly to the multitudes of dreams he’d had over the years about skating with Tess. In this one, they were rehearsing Moulin Rouge in the Ilderton rink, where they had practiced as children in his hometown. They were in full costume, but for some reason, he was wearing white skates, which he hated, and he kept commenting on it in the dream. The skates kept nagging and nagging at him because they insinuated something wasn’t right with the program. 

The program itself moved in slow motion, every lift and caress exaggerated. He wanted to move faster, but T kept telling him to slow down, which just made him more agitated. They needed speed if they were going to win gold. He found himself being too aggressive with her in the Roxanne portion; he was gripping her too tightly, handling her too roughly. He was angry that she wasn’t following his lead. In the step sequences, his hands were all over her, possessively. 

“Scott, you need to slow down,” she whispered. His rage built and built as he tried to increase their speed, and she fought him every step of the way, elongating every move beautifully, but in an agonizingly slow way. As they approached the acrobatic lift at the end of the Roxanne section, he panicked. They would never make the lift if they were going this slow. He was going to drop her, and they’d lose everything. 

“T, come on! The lift!” he yelled, frantic.

“I trust you,” she replied softly.

His heart filled with warmth. Then, somehow, despite everything, they hit the lift just fine, and his concept of time went back to normal. His heart galloped with relief. He couldn’t bear it if he let Tess down by dropping her, by failing her. She collapsed in his arms as the music changed into Come What May and then the choreography suddenly became all jumbled in his head. It didn’t matter, though; she just smiled at him as he sung the words to her at the top of his lungs, not caring who might be watching or listening. They flew across the ice fluidly, almost as if they were one being. He couldn’t feel where she ended and he began. His heart swelled with joy as they spun through the last lift at the end. Before he dipped her dramatically into the last pose, he stopped, bringing her to him, cradling her neck with one hand. She looked confused, her green eyes ethereal and glowing as the rink went totally dark, save for the spotlight on them. 

She looked so incredibly beautiful, he wanted to cry. Here was the most wonderful woman in the world, right in front of him, and he just loved her so much. Words failed him in the dream, as though his voice had been stolen away, so he showed her how he felt instead of telling her. He looked from her eyes to her lips and back again, and finally pulled her in for a deep, long kiss, like he had wanted to do for a very long time.

This wasn’t the chaste, choreographed almost-kiss he was used to. When his lips found hers, soft and supple, a delicate warmth spread through his entire body. She welcomed him, parting her lips for him, and he felt like everything was right with the world. It was perfect. She was perfect. They were perfect.

Then he remembered they hadn’t struck the final pose yet. They couldn’t win until that happened. Regretfully, he pulled away from the kiss and paused as a pained look passed over Tessa’s face. The blood drained from her face, and she wobbled on her skates, clutching herself tightly.

Looking right at him, she said, “You ruined everything, Scott,” then twisted and fell limply into his arms, in the final pose.

His heart turned to ice, and he began to shake her, trying to frantically to wake her.

“T? Tess?! Tessa! C’mon, T, wake up!” his voice rose and rose until he was yelling at her. Her eyes popped open, dead, and stared off blankly into nothingness.

The scream that erupted from his chest was so anguished it filed the empty arena, as he shook her and shook her, trying desperately to bring her back to life. But it was useless. She was gone. He had never felt so empty, so lonely in his entire life. He crumpled to the ice, taking her lifeless body with him, clutching to her as he wailed. 

*********************************************

Scott woke up from his nap with a gasp, his heart pounding and cheeks wet with tears. For a moment, he had no idea where he was or what time it was. That happened sometimes, especially when they were touring—waking up in a different city every couple of nights would do that to you. As he came to, frantic, he started to realize where he was and that he’d just had what might’ve been the worst nightmare of his entire life. Worse than the forgetting the steps during the Olympics dreams, or the being endlessly chased by mascots in horrifying costumes dreams. This was awful. He was shaking, from the nightmare and probably from the fever that had induced it.

After a moment of post-wake up terror, he started to come down, slowing his breathing as best he could. He didn’t need a degree in psychology to try and figure out what the dream meant. He was obviously terrified, both consciously and unconsciously, of potentially driving Tess away and ending up alone. Reassuring himself over and over that none of it had been real, he rolled over, stretching, trying to undo the dull pounding sinus headache in his temples. His nose was plugged, his mouth was cotton-dry, and his pillow was wet with tears and drool. Groggily, he reached for his phone to look at the time, and was quickly reminded of the shit storm he had created earlier and now had to deal with. 

Chiddy had responded to Scott’s earlier “Tell Tess I’m with Alma” text with, “What the hell, dude? What happened? U ok?” Then, later, “Tess is kinda freakin out—u need to text her NOW.” Finally, it was, “BRO Ur IN TROuBLE!” 

Great, Scott thought. Perfect. Sounds about right.

Then he saw the message after message that came from Tess, varying in intensity and in use of emojis. With Tess, the more emojis, generally, the happier she was, so when there were none, he knew he was in deep trouble: 

“Are you okay??”

“Where are you?”

“Scott, answer me, seriously.”

“wtf Moir!”

“Don’t shut me out.”

“Scott…please.”

“We need to talk.”

Ugh, he thought, just wanting to roll over and go back to sleep to escape his aching body and aching heart, but he couldn’t. He had dinner with his family and then he had to pack. He flopped his phone back on the nightstand and ran his hands over his eyes, trying to get the sleep and tears out of them. Weary, he had no idea when he was supposed to find time in the near future to be alone with Tess to talk to her about this, just the two of them. He looked back over at the phone. He hated texting, but he didn’t have a lot of options at the moment.

Scott begrudgingly picked up the phone. He had to at least let her know he was alive. 

“SO, SO sorry T. Ran into Mom. Got sick. Went to bed & just woke up,” he finally typed. “And I’m a jerk,” he threw in after. It was all true, but somehow it felt like a lie. He hated himself for making her worry, especially after revealing his feelings like that, then running off and disappearing.

He even added frowny face and gritted teeth emojis in an attempt to placate/distract her from his utter lameness. Even though he was only half awake, he was well aware of how badly he’d behaved and was going to have to make it up to her in epic proportions. 

He hit send and waited. And waited. Finally, just as he was about to get up to go shower, his phone buzzed.

“Jerk,” she texted back. He smiled a little at her snap-back. 

“I know,” he replied.

“We still need to talk,” she followed quickly.

“Yeah, we do, but when T?” he responded. A pause followed.

“Oh god…we’re not gonna have time, are we?” she replied, seeing the problem. They had things scheduled until they left. Then, they’d be stuck on the plane together for a 24-hour travel day, surrounded by their closest friends and family. No privacy.

“I’m sorry,” he wrote again.

“I know,” she replied. 

Still no emojis from her. It was stupid, but it meant he was still kind of screwed. But at least they were communicating, even though he hated to do it like this. He decided to throw in a couple of more emojis for good measure, as a gesture of his level of remorse:

**fever face, sleepy face, drool face, ghost face, single tear face, smile poop**

And, he debated for a moment, but added it anyway: **red heart**

He waited, weirdly anxious to see if or how she would respond. Nothing happened, and his heart sank. He stared at his phone, willing it to do something. It didn’t.

Shit.

His head ached and he desperately needed a shower, so after staring at his phone for what seemed like forever, he turned up the ringer and brought it into the hotel bathroom with him, hoping it would ping or buzz or anything really. Stripping down, he turned on the hot water and the shower to let it get warm. He was freezing after waking up from that nightmare in a cold sweat, and was grateful that the water warmed up quickly.

As the hot water ran over him, he bowed his head under the spray, trying to wash this hideous day off of him. He stood for a moment, his heart and stomach sinking, as he thought of the very real possibility that he had screwed things up with Tess forever. Running through the conversation again in his mind, he remembered the terrible thing he’d said to her about the band. He visibly cringed as he grabbed the shampoo to wash his hair. It was awful. It might’ve been the worst thing he’d ever said to her. Regret steeped in his mind. 

Then, ever the idiot, he had followed up that horrible insult by dropping his truth on her like an atomic bomb. Nothing quite like telling the girl you love that you love her for the first time after hurling insults at her. Jesus. He was the worst.

How could she love him after that? He could only hope that she would eventually forgive him for being so mean, but his hope for Tess returning his love flowed down and out the drain with the soap suds.

Suddenly, his phone started going off. Surprised, he slid and nearly fell, almost taking the shower curtain with him, as he tried to get out and to his phone as quickly as possible. Thank god for his Olympic-level ice reflexes because he was able to make it to the bathmat without killing himself. Soaking wet and still half-covered in soap, he grabbed his phone off the counter and tried to swipe to answer, but his hands were too wet to register. Frantically, he reached for a towel, drying off just enough to answer the phone and bring it to his ear.

“Hello?” he croaked, wincing, forgetting that his voice was nearly gone. Then the phone was gone, slipping out of his hand and clattering to the floor. “Hold on!” he tried to shout, but his voice failed him and it came out more like a raspy squeak. 

Goddamn it, he thought, reaching to pick up the phone, hoping the person was still there.

“Jesus, Scott? Are you there?” Tessa rasped on the other end, her own voice hoarse from catching the same cold. 

“Uh, yeah,” he cleared his throat, trying to get more sound out, but it didn’t really help. “Sorry, I dropped the phone.”

“Where are you? Are you in a wind tunnel or something? I can barely hear you,” she said. The shower was still running behind him, and realizing this, he twisted to turn it off. Silence filled the steamy bathroom, as he stood there, naked and dripping wet, suddenly self-conscious.

“Oh, sorry, I was…I was in the shower,” he said, almost bashfully. It wasn’t like she could see him or anything, so he had no reason to feel embarrassed. It was more the implication of him being naked and wet that made him blush a little.

“Oh,” was all she said in reply.

He waited, and cleared his throat again, reaching for the towel to start to dry off as best he could. “Uh, so what’s up, T?”

“Oh! Yeah, I…well, I only have a minute before I have to head to dinner with my parents, but I just wanted to come up with a game plan,” she spoke rapidly.

“A game plan?” he questioned.

“Yeah, um, since we can’t really sit down and, uh, talk about what happened yet, I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page,” she said.

What the hell was she talking about? On the same page about being in love? His brain was really not firing on all cylinders right now. 

Sensing his confusion, she continued, “You know, since we have press and the flight home tomorrow and all, I just wanted to make sure…um, that we weren’t…I mean, that we’re okay. That we can make it through it all without…” she trailed off.

Oh. She was calling not to chew him out for being an asshole (which he deserved), or to talk about the monumental elephant in the room, but to ensure that they could pretend to be okay with being near each other for the near future. Status quo. Keeping up appearances. Cool. 

Honestly, he was a little hurt. He didn’t know what he was expecting from this conversation, but it was not, “Let’s be civil with each other and pretend like nothing is wrong for the benefit of everyone but ourselves.” He felt his temper start to flare. Now he just wanted off the phone because he was pissed, but knew he didn’t really have the right to be, since he was the one that caused the problem to begin with.

“Fine, yeah,” he said, words clipped. “I’ll be fine.” He was not going to be fine, but this was all on him, so he had to suck it up and deal.

“Okay,” she said softly, pausing. “I, uh, I’ll see you in the morning, then, I guess. Sorry for interrupting your shower. My mom is here—I..I have to go.” She sounded like she had so much more to say, but couldn’t. He felt like he was ripping apart from the inside out. 

“Bye, T,” he said, anger quickly dissipating, as the line disconnected. He stood, still dripping wet, and stared silently at his phone. 

For the foreseeable future, he wouldn’t get an answer from Tess. He realized this, sadly, and wished for the next few days to go by as quickly as possible. Then, the end of his nightmare flashed in his mind’s eye, Tessa’s last words ringing in his ears: 

“You ruined everything, Scott.” 

He hoped against hope that it wasn’t true, that he hadn’t caused the beginning of their end. He might not ever forgive himself if he had.


	8. Just Don't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scott gets more than he bargained for on the way home.
> 
> OR
> 
> He couldn’t help stealing glances at her as the plane took off and again as they came to a cruising altitude. The plane was mostly full of Canadian Olympians and their families, most of whom were finally crashing. Whispered conversations could be heard here and there, but it was mostly the sound of the jet’s engines humming loudly that filled his ears. Tess had pulled out a book and was reading, or at least, looked like she was trying to read. The look on her face was not the I’m-absorbed-in-this-text look, but more of a I’m-trying-really-hard-to look-occupied look. Frankly, she looked exhausted, and he was half surprised she wasn’t trying to sleep, but knowing Tess, her mind was probably going a mile a minute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, loves! Happy Friday!
> 
> Thank you all so much for waiting patiently for this chapter, and for your great feedback on previous chapters! Life got super crazy and work has been bonkers, so I haven't had as much time to write as I've wanted. 
> 
> This chapter...well...it starts a bit lighter and ends up in an angst-fest. I'll just leave it at that. ;-)
> 
> Thanks for reading, continuing to comment, and for just generally making me feel good about this crazy VM world I've buried myself in! You are amazing <3 <3 <3

Chapter Eight: Just Don’t

Scott felt like a walking zombie by morning. Between the head cold and the sleep deprivation, he was falling asleep just about anywhere he went, which his Team Canada friends thought was hilarious and apparently felt the need to post pictures of him sleeping on social media. He was too tired to care at this point. Frankly, going to sleep helped him avoid thinking about or talking about his future, which was a benefit he welcomed with open arms. 

Now that it was all over, he had officially burned himself out. That was the thing about riding the Olympic high and having a passionate and gregarious personality like his—he spent days competing, entertaining, doing media, and gladly giving pieces of himself to others, but the flip side was that he had to come down from that emotional high. Since he went so high, when he crashed, he crashed and burned. The older he got, the better he’d gotten about managing this. Tess would help ground him, and he wouldn’t get quite so wrapped up it all. This was time was different, though; they had reached such a lofty goal, in such a wonderful way, and they knew this was probably the last time, so both of them lost control a bit. They both had flown high into the clouds on this one. 

Dinner with his parents last night had been followed by packing and heading to the airport in the middle of the night to jump on Air Canada to head home. He was actually nervous to see Tess again, something that rarely happened. He remembered feeling that way after those awful two months post her first surgery. Logically, he knew seeing her on the bus to the airport would probably be uneventful, but his mind kept creating ridiculous scenarios of her yelling at him, or slapping him, or just flat out ignoring him. In his opinion, she would be justified in doing any of those things, but Tess was not a drama queen. She liked to control any attention that came at her personally; hence, her phone call to him the night before about essentially keeping up appearances. It wasn’t new, but this time, he felt there was a lot more at stake.

When they got on the bus for the airport, Tess was swept away by Kaitlyn and their friends to sit with them. She had looked at him knowingly, giving him a pointed look from across the bus as he sat down next to Chiddy. Chiddy looked from Scott to Tess and back with a concerned look in his eye, as if his parents were fighting and he was worried they’d get a divorce.

“What’s up with you two, man?” Chiddy asked quietly, once they were both seated. Scott looked at him and shrugged his shoulders. It was one thing to tell his mom about his feelings, but to tell Chiddy, even though they were good friends, would be crossing a line. The thing with figure skating was he had been friends with many of the skaters for a very long time. A lot of them had grown up together, and they were a very close-knit family, of sorts. Which was great—most of the time. It was not great, however, when skater drama and gossip ran rampant. 

Scott and Tess had prided themselves on doing everything possible to not get sucked into any drama. While this meant that sometimes they weren’t always in the loop, nor were they always as close as some of the other skaters, it did help them keep their lives more private and somewhat protected. So, while he would love to vent to Chiddy about this mess he’d made with Tessa, he knew that it was possible it could get around and get out of control. Tess was a very private person, and he knew that if he started talking to others about their situation before he’d actually had a chance to talk to her about it, he would be breaching her trust. As much as he was suffering, he would not do that.

He didn’t want to lie to Chiddy, though, and he didn’t have the emotional or physical energy to come up with a story, so instead was just honest: “I can’t really talk about it, man. Tess and I need to have a conversation, but life keeps getting in the way, and that’s about as much as I can tell you right now. Sorry.” Scott wanted to talk more, but it just wasn’t possible.

Luckily, Chiddy knew him well enough not to take it personally. He patted Scott’s hand in a brotherly way. 

“No problem. I get it,” Chiddy replied. “But, dude, you kinda look like hell, just so you know.”

Scott laughed, causing him to start coughing hard, as he nodded in agreement. 

“Yeah, the past few weeks have been pretty crazy, eh? It’s been everything, but I’m so fucking tired. I just wanna sleep for like three days straight when we get back,” Scott replied sinking back into the seat and closing his eyes for dramatic effect.

“No kidding. I just want to sleep and eat and do nothing else for at least a week,” Chiddy added, laughing.

It felt good to laugh. It felt good to be around people that understood the bizarre bubble of being an Olympian. He was grateful to know all of these people, these exceptional athletes, and felt a swell of Canadian pride run through him. He loved this, and tried to savor the moment as best he could.

He and Chiddy chatted on and off during the bus ride, but Scott felt his eyes and his thoughts drift in Tessa’s direction often. Part of it was just the unspoken bond they shared—when she was near, he was just naturally drawn to her, as though there was an invisible tether that connected them. He was known to just stop mid-sentence and get caught up in her, and full-on gazing was not unlikely. He didn’t even realize it sometimes; other times, he would get distracted by her long, dark eyelashes or the way her eyes caught the light. Often, it was his amazement at how smart and eloquent she could be, but, just as likely, it might be the sound of her laughing at something he said. Those close to them were used to it, and though he got some ribbing for it (especially from his brothers), most of the time they just let it go. It was just a part of Scott and Tess and their relationship. Their very platonic relationship, he thought a little mournfully.

Occasionally, across the bus, she would catch his gaze, and there was something so wonderful about how she would look at him while she was talking to someone else. It was as though the entire world around them didn’t actually exist in those moments. He almost forgot all the things that had been said, or not said, in the past day, and for a moment he would just fall into her. Then reality would rush back as he noticed Tess’s expression was more guarded than usual, as though she was shutting him out. His heart dropped into his stomach. This was going to be a long, long day.

Scott was distracted, but Chiddy kindly just let him space off for a bit, getting lost in Tess or in his thoughts. He dozed off here and there, until they arrived at the airport. A steady stream of red and white Canadian gear snaked through the check-in lines, and he was in a daze, just following the others, going where they told him to go. He could barely keep his eyes open and his feet shuffling. Finally, they arrived in the concourse waiting area, where he immediately plopped down and promptly fell asleep. 

His sleep wasn’t deep, and he was catching bits and pieces of conversations that all melded together into one nonsensical dream state. It almost felt more like hallucinating or like he was drugged. He would drift in and out, hearing people laughing or the sound of flight information echoing through the loudspeakers. Nothing really made sense. He felt like he was floating away, up, up into the sky…

“Scott. Scott,” he suddenly heard T saying, from what seemed like miles away. “Scott, we’re boarding, we have to go. You have to get up,” she said gently, shaking him slightly.

“What? Oh! I’m up!” he woke with a start, blinking back the brightness of the overhead lights. Tess was kneeling before him and before he knew what he was doing, he just slid off the seat onto his knees, grabbing her in his arms and hugging her tight. He wasn’t even really awake, but he just knew he had to hold her. She was his rock, his anchor, and he never wanted to let go.

“Oh!” she said, surprised at his actions. Tess patted him lightly on the back, then quickly let go. “Scott, we really have to get on the plane now, if you ever want to get home.” She got up, and started to help him up, too. 

All business, he thought, as he got his stiff muscles into action. She looked as tired and weary as he felt. They joined the end of the line at the gate and an uncomfortable silence hung between them. He suddenly remembered they had seats next to each other, which under normal circumstances would be perfect. Now, however, with all the awkwardness of the past day’s events, he was dreading that the whole flight would feel as unnatural as this strangeness between them.

Slowly filing in, the captain and crew congratulated them and introduced themselves. Scott was not ready for social interactions, so Tessa did most of the talking, and he just nodded along, pretending to make sense of what was happening. Eventually, they made it to their seats and Scott took his near the window, as usual. Tess hesitated slightly after throwing her carry-on in the compartment above, looking nervously down the aisle, before finally taking her seat next to him. 

They were so close, closer than they’d been in what seemed like forever, but was really just a day, hours really. So much had happened in those hours, though, and Scott squirmed a little in his seat, trying unsuccessfully to get comfortable. Tess just uncharacteristically stared down or away from him, obviously trying to stay busy by arranging her things just so as they got ready for takeoff. She would barely look at him, and it was as if a million tiny daggers were tearing his soul to shreds. 

He couldn’t help stealing glances at her as the plane took off and again as they came to a cruising altitude. The plane was mostly full of Canadian Olympians and their families, most of whom were finally crashing. Whispered conversations could be heard here and there, but it was mostly the sound of the jet’s engines humming loudly that filled his ears. Tess had pulled out a book and was reading, or at least, looked like she was trying to read. The look on her face was not the I’m-absorbed-in-this-text look, but more of a I’m-trying-really-hard-to look-occupied look. Frankly, she looked exhausted, and he was half surprised she wasn’t trying to sleep, but knowing Tess, her mind was probably going a mile a minute.

He knew they weren’t supposed to talk about what happened, that he was supposed to be pretending that everything was okay, but, as per usual, he was doing a terrible job. As tired as he was, now that he was actually next to T, he couldn’t sleep. He just wanted to read her mind to know how she was feeling. This apparently led to him outwardly staring at her.

“Stop it,” she whispered at him, without looking up from her book.

“Stop what?” he asked, already kind of knowing the answer.

“You know what. You’re staring, and it’s weird,” she replied.

“Sorry,” he said, honestly. He didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. He looked away, out the window, trying to respect her wishes to be left alone, but he was so miserable and so curious, he just couldn’t help it.

“Tess…” he whispered hoarsely to her, looking back at her, trying to get her to see him.

“Don’t. Just…don’t. We agreed—we can’t do this now,” she said quietly, finally looking at him, her eyes stony and cold. Usually that look meant that there was a lot going on under the surface. Tess was so much more introverted than he was. Even though Scott was considered the “emotional one,” Tess was also quite emotional, but tried to handle her feelings on the inside rather out in front of everyone. While he knew this, he was still taken aback by how readily she had shut him down, but he was also resolute in getting some answers. He couldn’t sit for hours next to her like this without talking to her.

“I know, but nobody is listening. Everyone is asleep or doing their thing and we have to whisper anyway…” he sounded like a whiny child, which was not his intention. He could see her trying hard to hold back rolling her eyes at him.

“Tess, I’m miserable, and I don’t want to spend this whole flight…” he began.

Something in Tessa’s face snapped. “You’re miserable?” Tess slapped back at him, cutting him off in a harsh whisper. “You?” she closed her eyes, taking a controlled breath before continuing quietly, “What about me, Scott? Did you ever stop to think about how I might be feeling right now instead of wallowing in your own pity party?” she unleashed on him. 

“What?” he said, surprised. He leaned back from her a bit, completely taken aback by her sudden onslaught of anger. She wasn’t wrong, though. Tess was known for her ability to internalize her emotions, but when she was done, she was done. And apparently, she was done with him.

“Did you ever stop to think how shitty yesterday was for me? Of course not,” she shook her head slightly. “It was supposed to be a wonderful last day—our last Olympic day. We were going to skate, have fun at the gala, hang out with friends—together. I wanted it to be special. I wanted to take it all in with you and enjoy every last moment,” she continued whispering with a hushed ferocity, which was more frightening than if she’d been yelling. “Instead, you ran off without a word. I had to go searching for you, which was fine, but when I found you, you…” she rambled, getting caught on the last words as if they were choking her. 

He had asked for this, so he stayed quiet and listened to her, Alma’s words fresh in his mind. He was now completely awake, his heart beating more rapidly the more emotional Tess became. It was so rare to see her like this. Part of him wanted to jump in and defend his actions, but he stopped himself. While each word out of her mouth made him feel more terrible than the next, he probably deserved it.

“You were broken,” she finally got out. “You were broken, and I was so worried. I wanted to help. I just wanted to make you feel better and then out of nowhere, you unleashed holy hell on me,” she said, burning with hushed anger. “It was like you verbally slapped me—You’ve never done that, like that, to me. It really, really hurt,” she said, lower, and he watched as her tears began to pool in her eyes, but they did not run over.

“I’m so…” he began, reaching for her, unable to bear seeing her like this, especially when it was his fault. 

“Shut up, Scott,” she practically hissed at him, eyes going wide. He immediately closed his mouth. He’d never seen her quite so mad. She had never spoken to him like that. Usually, she kept this kind of thing bottled in, ruminating and shoving it down, or eventually confronting the problem in a controlled or hesitating way. This, though, this must be what it was like to be on the other side of his own anger and emotions, he finally realized. It made him feel terrible, and he felt even more terrible that he was the one that had caused it in her. 

Tessa’s face scrunched. “You said some awful things, and I get that you were upset and panicking, but that doesn’t take away the fact that you said them, or that I’ve been internalizing them ever since, running them over and over in my mind, wondering what I did to upset you so badly, worried that this was all my fault somehow,” she continued at lightning speed, but still at a whisper. 

Scott kept his mouth shut, but he was dying inside as he became aware of what this day had been like for her. He’d been so caught up in his own feelings and spent so much time focusing on how he felt, on what he wanted, that he had never slowed down enough to really put himself in her shoes. Regret coursed painfully through him.

She continued, “And it keeps running through my mind—over and over—how could you possibly think that I would just leave you, leave us, as if the past twenty years meant nothing to me? Wondering how you could ever think that you were just some sort of accessory that I used to get where I am today,” her voice cracked and angry tears finally splashed onto her cheeks, as she furiously wiped them away.

“I just keep thinking, why would you think ever, ever think that? What have I been doing or saying to make you think that? And I can’t come up with an answer,” she looked at him, pausing, as if looking for that answer. But he didn’t speak, couldn’t speak. “I know I have always wanted other things, to be more than just a skater, because I know we can’t do this forever, but I’m not doing it to punish you or leave you.” She was finally really looking at him, questioningly, searching his face, with her green eyes blazing.

“And then,” her voice got softer, more teary than angry. “Then, after all that, you…you drop this this monumental thing on me. This huge…confession.” She opened her hands as if she were holding the burden of his words, of his love, “Afterwards, we couldn’t talk about it, and you disappeared again, and then I spent my day absolutely frantic—frantic and pissed off and terrified—and you couldn’t be bothered to pick up the phone and let me know you were okay,” she said in one long breath. 

“I’m trying to use everything we’ve learned over the years about communicating effectively, Scott, but I’m just so angry and frustrated with you that I can’t. I can’t even begin to process how to deal with all of this right now. I’m exhausted, and sick, and you just keep looking at me like that,” she said, her voice raising in pitch on the last words, gesturing at his face. He sat, frozen, unsure of what to do.

“To be honest, being around you and your high-maintenance emotions is a bit much right now. I need you to give me some space. I need you to not…be you…at me,” she said, her voice rough and laced with a smidge of sarcasm, almost as if she wanted to hurt him as much as he’d hurt her. 

It achieved the intended effect. He felt like a sledgehammer had just shattered his heart.

She stared at him for a moment, watching her words land on him. Her face was a mixture of satisfaction, hurt, anger, and a little shock at what she’d actually said. She was not often one to be mean or nasty, so it didn’t come naturally. Then, he watched her regain her composure, effectively shutting him out. She wiped her cheeks one last time as she looked away and brought her classic actress-Tessa face down over her pain. 

Scott was utterly speechless. He felt completely horrified at how he had acted, how he had come across to her, and at how he’d made her feel. Shame burned in him as he recognized his selfishness. At the same time, he knew that he hadn’t meant any of it to come across that way, but it didn’t matter because this was how she’d taken it. For her to be this upset was worse than he’d imagined.

He screwed up their last day. He’d hurt her, enough for her to uncharacteristically lash out at him like this. He felt as though had ruined it all somehow, just like in his nightmare. 

“T,” he nearly whimpered, reaching for her hand. She shot a steely look his direction, and he stopped short of touching her. “Tessa, I’m so, so sorry. This was last thing I ever wanted…I never, ever meant to hurt you,” he said sincerely, his whisper barely intelligible with the amount of emotion he was fighting to keep controlled. 

“But you did,” she whispered. He watched, silently agape, as she gathered up her things and walked away from him and down the aisle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you all think about Tessa finally confronting Scott? I wanted to find a realistic balance between her characteristically sweet nature and her ability to be a boss bitch, so I hope it came across the way it was intended. It felt right to have her assert herself, and, of course, a little angsty drama never hurt anybody! ;-)


	9. Just Remember

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scott considers their past as he has to deal with aftermath of Tessa's anger
> 
> OR 
> 
> As Scott waited for the cold medicine to kick in, he tried to imagine a time before it seemed as though he had ruined everything. He shut his eyes, trying to push down the feeling that he wanted to cry, and suddenly the lyrics from “Come What May” ran through his head:
> 
> Storm clouds may gather  
> And stars may collide  
> But I love you until the end of time
> 
> He had been singing those words to her for months, but right now, in this moment, he understood them—no matter what she said to him or how badly he had screwed up, he would still love her unconditionally, regardless if she loved him back the way he wanted. A strange feeling of acceptance came over him with the realization of this, or maybe it was just that the drugs had started kicking in. He didn’t know and didn’t really care. 
> 
> Scott fell into the darkness of sleep with the image of Tessa smiling at him in her scarlet costume, while he mouthed the lyrics to her as they sped across the ice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOORAY! The newest chapter is FINALLY up! *happy dance*
> 
> Thank you all for your comments and support as life got in the way of me getting this up faster. 
> 
> This has a little of everything, as I wanted to throw something a little lighter in after the drama of the last chapter. 
> 
> Hope you're all still enjoying the MAJOR angst...more coming your way soon! 
> 
> Much love and thank you so much for sticking with me! <3 <3 <3

Chapter Nine: Just Remember

Chiddy plopped down gingerly in the seat next to Scott. “I was told by a certain brunette that we are switching seats until further notice. I wasn’t about to argue,” Chiddy said as he threw a blanket on top of himself and re-arranged his flight pillow. 

Scott stared blankly, still in shock from Tessa’s onslaught of honesty. He was trying to process everything she’d just said, yet he felt absolutely clueless. Having been in his own little world, he had not fathomed how his actions yesterday had truly affected Tess. He felt terrible. Part of him wanted to be indignant and angry, but he didn’t have the wherewithal or the energy for that kind of thing, and, frankly, he didn’t feel like he deserved to be either at this point.

“Scott, are you okay?” Chiddy asked seriously. Scott wasn’t even sure how long Chiddy had been sitting in Tessa’s seat. Scott did not know exactly how he was feeling, but “okay” was definitely not a word he would use. Ashamed, yes. Surprised, hell yes. Completely terrified that he had destroyed the most important relationship in his life, check. Okay, not so much.

Scott shook his head in response. “No, man, I’m really not,” he said quietly. “I fucked up, and I have no idea how to fix it.” He looked down at his hands, as if he could use them to magically manifest a solution out of thin air. 

Chiddy paused for a moment, taking in Scott’s words. “Look, I don’t know exactly what’s going on, but I do know a little about Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir,” he said with an unwavering certainty that Scott envied. “What I know is that, despite whatever stupid thing you did, you two have the most solid relationship that I have ever seen. You’ve been through everything together. You care about each other, and dude, if she’s been able to put up with you for two decades and is still around, I think you will be okay,” Chiddy said reassuringly, with a gentle smile. 

Scott couldn’t quite manage a smile back and figured what he did manage looked more like a grimace instead. He heard Chiddy’s words, but he was too much in his head for them to really register. Frozen in his emotion, he couldn’t respond to Chiddy—all he could see was Tess walking away from him with that hurt look in her eyes, replaying over and over in his mind. 

Between the change in air pressure, the stress, and his cold, the pain in his head was immense. He reached for his carry-on and took out a blister pack of NyQuil gel caps. He popped some into his mouth without looking at the correct dosage on the box, but he didn’t really care. Anything that could make his physical and mental pain subside for a little bit was worth it at the moment. In the back of his mind, he knew that attitude was destructive, yet he could not bring himself to stop. They still had a lot of sky ahead of them, and he didn’t even want to think about what things would be like when they landed.

Chiddy looked over at him, concerned, but adept enough to know that Scott wasn’t in a conversational mood. His gaze lingered on Scott only a bit before he relaxed back into the seat and closed his eyes.

As Scott waited for the cold medicine to kick in, he tried to imagine a time before it seemed as though he had ruined everything. He shut his eyes, trying to push down the feeling that he wanted to cry, and suddenly the lyrics from “Come What May” ran through his head:

Storm clouds may gather  
And stars may collide  
But I love you until the end of time

He had been singing those words to her for months, but right now, in this moment, he understood them—no matter what she said to him or how badly he had screwed up, he would still love her unconditionally, regardless if she loved him back the way he wanted. A strange feeling of acceptance came over him with the realization of this, or maybe it was just that the drugs had started kicking in. He didn’t know and didn’t really care. 

Scott fell into the darkness of sleep with the image of Tessa smiling at him in her scarlet costume, while he mouthed the lyrics to her as they sped across the ice. 

**************************************

His dreams seemed more like replayed memories than actual dreams. Things were as he remembered them, but some of the details were fuzzy or came in and out, as dreams are wont to do.

This particular dream/memory catapulted him back to the day he and Tess had seen Moulin Rouge in the theater for the first time, so very long ago. They’d just been kids; he was 14, and T had just turned 12. They had gone on her birthday, as the movie had come out the day before, and she had wanted to see it so badly. He hadn’t been so keen on the idea of going at first, but when he’d asked T what she wanted to do for her birthday, and he saw her eyes light up at the prospect, he knew that he was going. Besides, Nicole Kidman was pretty hot, so even if he wasn’t really into the story, he had that.

Surprisingly, Moulin Rouge was one of the very few movies they had actually seen together in the theater. The movie was rated PG-13, so he had to buy the tickets, which had made him feel kind of grown up at the time. It was strange—he liked the idea that he could take care of Tess and do this for her for her birthday, though in the back of his pubescent mind, he felt a little tingle of something he didn’t quite understand. This felt important somehow, and he wasn’t quite sure why.

By that point in their lives, they had already gone through the awkward, childish “dating” stage at seven and nine (much to the amusement of their families), and he had figured out rather quickly that trying to be ice dancing partners without being able to look or talk to each other was not going to work, regardless of how he actually felt about her. He had broken up with her over the phone, which she never let him live down, and things eventually got more comfortable between them. 

Pushed deep inside him, however, lived a seed of something for her that he had to keep hidden. Subconsciously, he’d learned this very young. As they got older and closer and better at their sport, he began to realize just how much he had to lose. Anything that could get between them was not worth it, so he put that seed in a box and didn’t let it see the light of day. That didn’t mean that it wasn’t a sore spot sometimes, though, which might have been the reason he’d reacted the way he did to his brothers that day.

Danny and Charlie had teased him when he had told them he was taking T to the movie. Since they were older, they must have had an entirely different perspective on the situation. The dream picked up at the moment Scott had been in the kitchen, eating an apple and waiting for his mom to get home from coaching so they could go pick up Tess. 

“Have fun on your date with Tessa, brother. Don’t try anything during the first half of the movie, at least,” Charlie said, smacking Scott on the back of the head as he walked past him to the fridge, laughing.

“Dude, gross! It’s not a date—it’s just what she wanted for her birthday! C’mon!” 14-year-old Scott protested a little too much, pieces of apple shooting out of his mouth with his exuberance. Danny suddenly appeared in the doorway and immediately joined in the fun of teasing Scott. 

“Ooooh, little Scotty’s going on his first date?” Danny said, poking his head in the kitchen. He was home for the weekend, visiting. Seven years older than Scott, but an ice dancer in his own right, Danny was often away. “Who’s the unlucky girl?” he asked.

“Oh my god, it’s NOT a date!” Scott said, blood rushing to his face. 

“It’s Tess!” Charlie shouted over him to Danny. 

Danny laughed deeply, “Of COURSE it’s Tess!”

Scott hated when his older brothers ganged up on him like this because no matter what he said, they weren’t going to leave him alone about it. He felt an angry heat rise up in him, and even though he knew that it would just goad his brothers on, he couldn’t seem to help losing his temper.

“Shut up. It’s not a date—it’s my birthday present to Tess,” he said quietly, his hand suddenly gripping the half-eaten apple with a vengeance. He felt his temper begin to boil, ready to blow the lid off at any moment.

“I BET you’re gonna give Tessa a birthday present, eh?” Charlie wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, looking up from the fridge.

That pushed Scott over the edge. Recently, he’d started feeling very protective of Tess. He knew they had something different than most kids their age, something unique. He really didn’t like it when other people messed with her (even though he teased her all the time, but that was different, he thought). Tessa was just so quiet and nice to everyone, even if they weren’t nice to her. Despite Scott teasing her his fair share, he was not willing to let others have fun at her expense. In this case, it was more at his own expense than hers (or perhaps they were shining some light on that little seed he kept so hidden), and either way it pissed him off. 

Hurling the half-eaten apple at Charlie, Scott squawked, his pubescent voice cracking, “Shut your fuckin’ face, Charlie!” and launched himself across the kitchen at his brother. 

Charlie got smacked with the apple, but easily dodged his little brother’s attack, making kissy noises as he went. Scott was seeing red and turned on Danny when Charlie had escaped. Danny threw up his arms in surrender, laughing, as he added fuel to the fire, “Hey, at least your skating partner isn’t your cousin!” Danny had skated with their cousin, Sheri, since they were kids and had more of a brother-sister partnership than Scott and Tessa had. 

Frankly, at 14, Scott didn’t quite understand what box their partnership lived in. They were friends, even though she was a girl, which his guy friends always seemed a bit confused about. He spent a ton of time with her. He knew he cared about her, a lot (no matter how deep he pushed that seed down). They had already been skating together for five years, which was forever in their young lives. After he had broken up their ‘hot and heavy’ romance, they had decided to commit to each other as skating partners, which was pretty amazing to Scott. 

He’d been a bit nervous when she’d told him she had been accepted to the National Ballet. She loved to dance, and it was kind of a huge deal, but she couldn’t really do both skating and serious ballet. Scott had tried to prepare himself with the disappointment of maybe having to find a new partner, even though he really, really didn’t want to. Even though they’d been young, he knew they had something special together. He was so happy when Tess had come back and told him that she wasn’t leaving him—they were committed to each other, she had said, and the dance academy’s acceptance wasn’t going to change that. She had been so sure about it, and in that moment, something leapt in Scott’s little heart. 

Even though they were only seven and nine when they started together, he had never quite considered her like a sister; like family, yes, but not a sister. He didn’t have any sisters to compare it to, but he figured it wasn’t the same. He was two years older than her, though, and he knew early on that he was responsible for taking care of her. Their parents couldn’t be everywhere. There were times, more and more recently, when he sometimes noticed how people took notice of them, of Tess especially. Even as a dumb teenage boy, he still knew what was acceptable and what wasn’t, and he took it upon himself to make sure to protect her from the creeps as much as possible. He was still pretty small, but he knew how to stay by her side and hold her hand. He felt that it was almost unconscious, his need to be around her, to keep her safe.

So, now that his brothers were making fun of him for that, for that special connection he couldn’t quite define, when they had no idea, just no fucking clue…it enraged him.

“Shut up!” he screamed. “Shut the hell up and leave Tess alone!” He ran at Danny, pummeling his fists into his stomach, blind with a hot anger he couldn’t control. As much as he hated being teased, he hated it even more that his brothers thought they could insinuate what Scott and Tess had and put it in a box. If even Scott didn’t know what exactly it was, there was no way Charlie and Danny did. It didn’t matter that they were older. T was off limits.

“Whoa, Scotty, stop! We’re just messing with you, not with Tess!” Charlie yelled at him, trying to pull him off Danny. What Scott lacked in size, he made up for in tenacity. Danny pushed away easily after Charlie pinned Scott’s arms at his sides and pulled him away.

Scott thrashed, trying to free himself from Charlie’s grip, but instead struggled as he was lifted to the other side of the kitchen. His brothers knew Scott had a terrible temper and sometimes the best course of action was to just ride it out. Charlie held fast as Scott began to wear himself out.

“Hey, dude, were sorry. We were just giving you a hard time—we love Tessa and wouldn’t say anything bad about her, yeah?” Danny said calmly and looked at Charlie, like they knew something Scott didn’t.

After a moment, he calmed down a bit. “Fine, let go!” Scott said, somewhat more subdued, finally shirking out of Charlie’s grip. His heart still pounded in his chest, but he was finally starting to relax a bit. He stared hard at his brothers for a minute and took some deep, ragged breaths.

“Don’t pretend like you know anything about me and Tess, because you don’t,” he said quietly, fiercely. “It’s not a date. She wants to see Moulin Rouge for her birthday. That’s it.”

“Okay, got it,” Danny said gently, nodding and looking to Charlie to do the same, which he did. 

Scott felt his temper drop to a low simmer as his breathing slowed. When he got like that, he felt like he was almost possessed; he just couldn’t control it. Now, realizing how he’d gone off on his brothers, he tried to reign it back in. He certainly didn’t want this to ruin his time with Tess by being upset, so he tried counting his breaths, just like his mother taught him. 

The dream skipped ahead and suddenly they were in a darkened movie theater, just him and Tess. It started with them as 14- and 12-year-olds, sitting with a giant bucket of popcorn between them. He had also gotten Tess some chocolate that they’d snuck in under her coat. Their hands would brush occasionally when they reached for popcorn at the same time, and Scott tried not to be weird about it. His brothers’ words kept popping into his head, yet he would quickly try to banish them and focus on the movie, which was actually decent.

He found himself stealing sidelong glances at Tessa periodically. At first, he just wanted to make sure she was enjoying the movie and having a good time. There was something so pure and beautiful about her emotional reactions to what was happening on the screen. It was as though she was transfixed to every moment of the story. Her innocent face experienced all the emotions of the characters. 

Then he would realize that he should probably watch the movie instead of watching T and would turn his head back to the screen. Eventually, he found himself getting caught up in the swell of the music and dramatic storyline. In the dream, it all blended together into a swirl of warm feelings and musical crescendos. By the end, as Satine died, Tess was clutching his hand, squeezing his for support. She sniffled softly as tears dripped from her eyes, and he squeezed back to let her know he was there. He pretended that he didn’t have tears prickling his own eyes, choosing to be strong for the both of them, even though he was crumbling a bit inside from the tragic love story. His heart felt like bursting from the raw power of the story and from the fact that Tessa’s hand was gripping his.

Suddenly, he was filled with a sense of deep gratitude to be here with Tess. Nobody else understood what they had—hell, they didn’t even really understand it—and that was okay. He was just glad that they had each other through it all. 

And as the movie ended and the dream faded, he was left with Christian’s last words:

“The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.”

*******************************

Scott woke, blinking blearily, his neck sore from the strange angle it had been resting in. The last words of the movie had followed him from the dream into his semi-awakened state. He rubbed his dry eyes drowsily. The plane was near silent, with the glow of device screens and the mini overhead lights above the seats being the only source of light. Chiddy was fast asleep next to him, and Scott tried to shift in his seat to ease his cinched muscles without waking him.

The sweetness of the dream-memory had left him feeling reminiscent. He remembered combing through mountains of music for their new programs, and when he’d come across the Moulin Rouge soundtrack, something deep in him had ignited. Pieces of his old memories of seeing the film with Tess made connections to his then-present self, letting him know that he was on the right track. He’d called her right away to meet, although it wasn’t until he had seen Tess react to “Roxanne” and “Come What May” that he knew it was something special. The way she had looked at him, how excited she’d been with her eyes wide and alive as they listened together, would stay with him forever. They had instantly become passionate about this music being their Olympic-winning program, even though they didn’t know at the time if it was even possible to make it into the different, edgy routine they needed to win gold.

The Moulin Rouge program had become their love-child. They were both so intensely enthusiastic about it when they brought it to Marie-France and Patch, it was inevitable that their coaches would see the same potential in it that they had. With Marie and Sam feeling inspired and at the helm of the choreography, he’d had the feeling it was going to be a masterpiece. Scott still got goosebumps when he heard the opening lines of Roxanne through the speakers, and they’d been working with it for nearly a year. He just never got tired of it the way he had with the countless other programs they had done over the years. 

Something about the characters of Satine and Christian spoke to him on a deeper level than the roles they had played in the past. Scott couldn’t help thinking they wouldn’t have been able to pull off this program in Sochi or Vancouver. Maybe it was because they had history or because they were more mature and in a very different place in their lives where they had more understanding of the roles, he didn’t exactly know. On a logical, reasonable level, Scott had always known they were just playing characters that were deeply in love, that their acting chops were necessary to do the program justice. Diving into the role of Christian was very natural to him, especially opposite Tessa’s beautiful Satine. It just so happened that the role he was playing felt more and more akin to his true self as the days and months went by. The passion and possessiveness of “Roxanne” leading into the deep love story of “Come What May” fulfilled him in ways he couldn’t quite articulate. Passion, rage, jealousy, and raw, undying love—these words could just as easily describe him, rather than his character. 

While the story was tragic in the end, Scott had always connected to the passion and love that were at the foundation of the story. The lyrics made him feel emotional now—most likely because something in him wanted to experience that passion and love not only on the ice, but in his real life as well. 

He wasn’t sure when he had realized that every time he sang the lyrics, “I will love you until my dying day,” he felt as though he were singing not to Satine, but directly to Tess. This realization had initially terrified him to his core, but he’d shoved those feelings, that 20-year-old seed of love for her, down deep inside in order to get himself through this competition they had worked so hard for. Though they had worked and reworked the program many times, singing the words of the love song to Tess as they flew across the ice felt more real to him than anything else in his life. But every moment on that ice together, he got to live his love for her out loud, and it was okay if she didn’t know it was all for her. He would do anything for her, even if it meant loving her desperately without her knowing. 

But now she did know. He had forced the realization on her because, with the competition finally being over and their ultimate goal achieved, those feelings had nowhere else to go. He could no longer deny their existence. That little seed he’d put in the box and shoved down deep inside of him so many years ago had grown into something so large he couldn’t possibly put it back without it destroying him from the inside.

The thing he couldn’t reconcile was that their raw chemistry was powerful and undeniable. It was part of what made them great. It was what had helped them win. Tessa had said in their Roxanne documentary that what made this program stand out was the pure passion they had for the movement and the music, but in his head, he’d added, “and each other” because he knew that it was true. The way she responded to him out there said it all without words. She echoed all that emotion back to him. If nothing else, she loved him in those moments on the ice. As emotionally counterintuitive as it seemed, those moments of ‘acting’ were real to him. She loved him on the ice as much as he loved her, and everyone could see it. He was only half of the equation that made this program come alive. She responded to him with equal fervor on the ice. He didn’t know if it was as real for her as it was for him, but when he was dancing with her, he didn’t care. In those moments, their love for each other was unquestionable, which was why he figured the world was going a bit nuts about them and the true nature of their relationship. 

But now it was all over. Moulin Rouge and the rest of their competitive career was in the rearview mirror. He was left with having no idea whether that on-ice love was real for her off the ice, and that realization was very quickly making him emotionally deteriorate, hence his poor behavior and confession the day prior. 

Since the beginning of this comeback, maybe even since the beginning of their partnership, he had known that he would do anything for Tessa. On the days when he was too exhausted, too sore, and felt too old for this, he would always go back to the thought that if he couldn’t do it for himself, he would always do it for Tess. He couldn’t live with himself if he let her down. 

And that was why, if she felt he had let her down with what he’d said and told him to fuck off because of it, he would accept it. Ultimately, he would leave her alone because he would do anything for her, even if it meant destroying himself to let her go. 

He just really hoped it didn’t come to that.


	10. Just Fix This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scott searches for a way to fix his situation with Tessa
> 
> OR
> 
> But now, after the competition was over, he was struggling to apply everything he’d learned to his personal life. He knew how to be with Tess professionally, how to talk out how they were feeling and to connect on the ice, but when it came to relating to each other off-ice, after everything he’d said, he was at a loss. Scott knew he had screwed up, he knew she was mad at him, and all he wanted was to fix it, but he needed to know how. His frustration at himself was getting in the way of what he needed to do to help them be okay again. He needed to push past his fear of losing her and just figure it out. 
> 
> With a little sleep under his belt and a little less pressure in his sinuses, he closed his eyes and tried to rehearse what to say to her next. He would do this kind of run-through with their programs to much success, so he was hoping the strategy would work here. First, he needed to apologize and empathize with her side of things. He had to show her that he wasn’t trying to be a jackass, but since he had been, how could he make it up to her?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lovelies, you are fueling me with your gracious comments and kudos! Thank you for continuing to inspire me to write this angsty monstrosity! 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this latest installment... <3 <3 <3

Chapter 10: Just Fix This

Scott sat uncomfortably in his seat, wrapped up in his thoughts. There were times in the past when he had regretted things that he had said or stupid things that he had done mindlessly to Tessa without realizing it, and often he had been oblivious about them until Tess had the courage to finally bring them up. Sometimes he knew, though, that he had messed up, and had to figure out a way to fix it. 

This was especially true after T had had her first leg surgery nearly ten years ago. He had been young, arrogant, and angry at himself for not realizing how much pain she had been in, for pushing her to train those 14-hour days. Angry at her for not telling him, until it was forced upon her, that she had to leave him to get cut open. She had been so good at hiding it, but he was her partner—he should have known. The fact that he didn’t was a bit of a slap in the face. They had always prided themselves on their open communication, even at that age, but not knowing that she was in so much agony that she was facing either surgery or retirement was one of the biggest regrets of his life. Scott didn’t know how to reconcile the fact that they had been pushing so hard to win, to further their career, that she was literally destroying her body to do it. She tried to play it off, even after he knew. She was “fine,” she’d said, over and over, but he knew it wasn’t true. He wasn’t fine, so he knew she couldn’t be. But he had felt lied to, betrayed by his partner’s body, and he handled that very poorly at nineteen and twenty. 

Then, he had basically abandoned Tess, leaving her to deal with it on her own, because he didn’t know how to deal with his own emotions surrounding his inadequacies as her partner. He had desperately wanted to protect her from the fact that he was healthy and waiting, not so patiently, for her to return. Scott thought he had to protect her from the fact that he was being scouted by other skaters, that he had to turn down many offers to partner with others. Protect her from what they already both knew—he was putting his career on hold with the hope that she would get better and that they would be able to compete again, but there was no guarantee she would get better. With that looming, their open and honest communication had disintegrated. 

Scott had still been in Canton while she recovered at home in London, so proximity was an issue, but that was no excuse for not talking to her. Every time he tried to pick up the phone to call her, he froze. He didn’t know what to say. The longer he waited, the worse it became, and Tess didn’t pick up the phone, either, for her own reasons. Later, in counselling, he learned she was trying to protect him from bad news and from her inability to express the pain she was in, but at the time, it was equally devastating that she wasn’t reaching out to him. That seed that he had buried so deeply was lodged between anger and sadness and regret in his heart. It was the first time he remembered feeling truly heartbroken. He remembered sitting alone, on the edge of his bed, finally understanding that he could lose her—that he loved Tess in ways he couldn’t show or explain, and that he’d never fully realized what a gift she was to him. But being young and stupid, he pushed those feelings down again, thinking that it wouldn’t help her get better or bring her back, so why bother with them?

The partnership they had worked so hard to build was crumbling. Her being gone and the very real possibility that they might never skate together again was too real and too raw for him. Instead of giving up, though, he threw himself even harder into training, with broom handles and sandbags, as he desperately and unsuccessfully tried to put her from his mind. If nothing else, he was still committed to being her partner, if and when she returned. People would come up to him, wanting to check in and get updates on Tessa, but the truth was, he knew little. The updates he got were from Kate, via his mom or from the coaches. He would plaster a smile on his face and fake his way through conversations, feeling ashamed with himself for not knowing more. It was months of torture, for both of them. Honestly, it was the hardest thing they’d ever endured as partners and as friends. 

Scott remembered the moment he had seen Tessa again at last after those agonizingly long couple of months. He had known she was coming back that day and had spent a very restless night tossing and turning in his bed, wondering what she would say, what he would do, when he finally saw her again. He had been trying to skate out his nerves by warming up on the ice. As he rounded the corner, he saw her. Walking gingerly, she had come in the rink tentatively, as if she couldn’t quite believe she was there. Scott had stopped short on the ice and had frozen on the spot. When the moment had finally arrived, he sharply inhaled and his heart caught in his chest. She had not seen him yet, and he spent that moment drinking her in. Tessa was there, really there. She had lost weight, he noticed, and she seemed nervous and unsure of herself, as if she were entering this rink for the first time. Being hyper-aware of her body language, he could sense something fragile about her. 

But in that moment, seeing Tess again after so long apart, he couldn’t stand it any longer. Now that she was there in front of him, there was a magnetic pull in him that needed her. Scott raced across the ice to her and before she knew what was happening, he had scooped her up into a huge bear hug. He had heard her little gasp of surprise and joy as he lifted her off her feet, and it infused his heart with light. He buried his head in her shoulder, cradling her neck with one hand, arms wrapped tight around her. It was if he hadn’t known how much he’d really missed her until that moment, and the feel of the warmth of her body pressed into his and her arms wrapped around his neck was like coming home.

“Hey, kiddo,” he’d whispered in her ear. He’d choked up a little then, adding, “I missed you.” For that moment, the months of uncertainty, anger, and guilt all washed away. All he needed was her. 

“Scott,” she had said, breathless from the hug. He was a bit mortified when he realized he might be hurting her and set her down gently. She had looked up at him with those brilliant eyes of hers, and he was a goner. He lost all sense of himself. 

“Shit, sorry! Are you okay?” he fumbled. She giggled softly. It was like music to his ears.

“No, I’m fine. I missed you, too,” she had said, almost shyly, as he’d held her hands in his. His heart pounded with excitement and nervousness, and he had felt more alive in that moment than he’d felt in months. 

Though their initial reunion went well, it had taken much longer to work through everything else. After her three-month rehab, where she had had to relearn how to walk and to skate, he was terrified they wouldn’t get through this. They needed to be on track for Vancouver, and the surgery had put a huge crimp in those plans. No one understood. No one was suffering the way they were, they thought. Tess had come back, but her confidence was shattered, and their overall communication and trust was wounded from months of not hearing from each other. Now that he knew she was in pain, that she was just pushing through as best she could, he felt helpless. He had always prided himself in being a good partner, her support, her family, but he still felt he had failed her and himself during that horrible time. 

He cringed remembering those first practices back on the ice, the ones where he was afraid to touch her or do the wrong thing, anything that would make it worse for her. He was caught between constantly checking in with her to see if she was okay and being frustrated that they couldn’t be on the ice more. As they tediously began to find each other again, to pick up the pieces of their partnership, they knew they had to approach skating and each other differently. They couldn’t practice for hours on end. He had to trust himself and her in ways he wasn’t used to. They adopted the mantra, “adapt and conquer,” which eventually pulled them out of their slump.

With focused training and lots of counseling, they were able to talk through many their feelings related to this challenge. He remembered distinctly having to compartmentalize his professional needs from his personal ones. Part of him was just so grateful to have her back, he would do anything to make it better, but he knew that he could only give so much. Pushing the most tenuous feelings deep inside, he focused instead on repairing their partnership and helping her get through this. Tess was still in near-constant pain that she was often pushing through and trying to hide it from him, though she was getting better at letting him know when she couldn’t go on. But with a lot of work and their goals in mind, they were able to forgive each other and forge an even stronger relationship, which would be tested many times in many different ways over the years, including during Tessa’s second surgery.

Recalling these challenges reminded Scott that even though he felt awful about what had happened between him and Tess in the last day, they had gone through hard times before and had come out stronger for it. Granted, this was different; they were older, and it was more personal this time, but they had slayed their demons before and would hopefully do so again. A sliver of hope wound its way around his aching heart.

Scott knew that he’d grown up a lot since her first surgery, from Sochi, even; especially professionally, he was no longer that constant intense and mercurial kid, ever trying to be the goofball center of attention. Certainly, there were still parts of him that leaned that way—as was shown by his behavior the past couple of days—but generally speaking, he had learned how to talk about and address things like a mature adult. It was refreshing, actually, to have regular meetings with their mental coaches and therapists and not have them feel like a chore. 

He enjoyed this more self-actualized side of himself and how he and Tess explored that professional side of their relationship more deeply. Preparing himself mentally for the adversity and challenges of performing had been crucial to their success this season. The pressure getting to the Olympics had been immense this time around, and they wouldn’t have gotten this far without their team, as Tessa had been quick to mention in nearly every interview they had done.

But now, after the competition was over, he was struggling to apply everything he’d learned to his personal life. He knew how to be with Tess professionally, how to talk out how they were feeling and to connect on the ice, but when it came to relating to each other off-ice, after everything he’d said, he was at a loss. Scott knew he had screwed up, he knew she was mad at him, and all he wanted was to fix it, but he needed to know how. His frustration at himself was getting in the way of what he needed to do to help them be okay again. He needed to push past his fear of losing her and just figure it out. 

With a little sleep under his belt and a little less pressure in his sinuses, he closed his eyes and tried to rehearse what to say to her next. He would do this kind of run-through with their programs to much success, so he was hoping the strategy would work here. First, he needed to apologize and empathize with her side of things. He had to show her that he wasn’t trying to be a jackass, but since he had been, how could he make it up to her?

He didn’t know. And if he couldn’t fix this before landing, he wasn’t sure when he would get his next chance. He couldn’t take back what he had said or done, so the only way out of this was forward. 

Scott wasn’t sure how long he had been lost in thought, and he might have even dosed off again, for when he opened his eyes, Chiddy had left the seat next to him. All sense of time was gone for him on this flight. People were beginning to stir, and whispered conversations became slightly louder. Suddenly, the pressure in his bladder made him realize that he really needed to use the bathroom.

Muscles tired, he enjoyed the painful stretch of his legs as he got up and moved down the aisle to the back of the plane. Luckily, there wasn’t a line, but the “Occupied” indicator on the bathroom door was flipped, so he waited bouncing from foot to foot, trying to regain blood flow to his legs. The loud scrape of the lock startled him as the bathroom door opened, and he tried to shift to the side enough to let the person pass.

Scott’s eyes came up and there was Tess, nearly pressed into him due to the cramped quarters of the plane. She startled, eyes going wide as she realized who was in front of her, a wave of emotion passing over her features. His heart dropped into his stomach, as though the plane had dropped too quickly in altitude. 

She stepped back from him, into the little area where the stewardesses usually were. By some divine providence, no one was back there, and without thinking, Scott moved towards her into the little alcove. 

“Scott,” she whispered, a look of sadness and sorrow on her face. He came close enough to her that she put a hand on his chest as if to stop him. He had no idea what he was doing or what he was going to say, only knowing that, once again, being near her was like stepping into the sunshine and it gave him a courage he didn’t know he had.

“No, T. Listen to me,” he intonated quietly, firmly, and she closed her mouth and looked up at him, guarded. 

Scott continued, without really knowing what was coming next, “I was a complete asshole yesterday.” She sighed audibly, eyes looking down, then back up at him. She could lay him bare like no one could. “And I deserved every word you said to me earlier. I am so incredibly sorry for putting that all on you, for ruining your day, and for saying those awful things I said. I’m not going to try to give you a bunch of excuses because it makes no difference. You didn’t deserve that, T. It wasn’t fair, and I am so deeply sorry I put you in that position,” he ended, suddenly out of breath. 

He looked in her eyes and saw some of that armor crack, knowing that she’d heard him. All of a sudden, their close proximity became obvious, and the palm of her hand still resting on his chest burned with warmth. His heart thumped ferociously in his chest, and he knew that she could feel it. He laid his own hand on top of hers, as if showing her with his heartbeat that he was as sorry as he said he was. She looked down at their hands, then back to his face, searching, and he knew she believed him.

“Thank you,” she whispered, her jade eyes glistening up at his in the dim light, the roar of the engines nearly drowning her words out. Scott drew in a deep breath, as he saw and felt nothing but her. This woman, who he had grown up with and shared nearly every important moment of his life with, was everything to him. Taking in her face, he noticed a strand of Tessa’s dark hair had come loose from her messy ponytail. With his free hand, he brushed it tenderly back behind her ear. His hand lingered on her pale cheek as he looked deeply into the sea of her green eyes. He felt breathless, his heart fluttering beneath their hands. They stood there, silent and staring, as if no one else existed, as if they weren’t on a plane with a hundred people, thousands of miles above land. It was just them, as it had always been. Maybe that’s why he opened his mouth again, why he couldn’t stop himself from saying more.

“Tess, you are my world,” he breathed. “And the one thing I’m not sorry for, that I will never be sorry for, is loving you.”

A hitched little sob escaped her lips and her face crumbled. Scott didn’t know what to make of it, so instead he pulled her into him, hugging her against him. She let him, falling into the embrace, her face buried into his chest. He was a bit shocked at his own words. They stood there for a moment, rocking with the movement of the plane. Then she pulled away and looked back up at him, eyes glassy, but with no tears. 

“Scott…” Tess trailed off, and he knew in her tone that this wasn’t going to end well for him. Unconsciously, he let her go and stepped away from her. The look on her face was conflicted, and he couldn’t read it, which terrified him.

“I need time,” she finally finished, choosing her words carefully. “This has been a lot. Everything…,” she paused, “everything is changing. I need time to figure out what this means for me, for us,” she continued gently. 

Scott was trying not to crumble, trying to respect what Tessa needed. His whole body tensed. She wasn’t saying she didn’t love him, he tried to reassure himself. But his heart was breaking a little that she didn’t say it back. He felt himself shutting down emotionally, putting up walls to protect his heart. She didn’t owe him this, especially now. He had no right to expect it. His jaw clenched as he tried to compose himself.

Tessa read his face, his body language, the emotions he was so terrible at hiding from her, and she reached out and grabbed his hand, squeezing.

“This isn’t the end of this conversation,” she said, “but we still have work to do. Press and everything. Can you handle it?” she asked, eyes searching his, pleading with him, but they both knew what the answer had to be. Their work always came first, even now, even after the competition was over.

Scott nodded, stoic and silent, as if to convince himself he could. Then, because he would do anything for her, he shoved that seed that had already grown and bloomed back down deep inside of him, even though it ripped him apart to do it.


	11. Just Push Through

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scott and Tessa finally arrive back in Canada, to throngs of press and fans.
> 
> OR
> 
> They were both spent. With the end of the Games and his massive idiocy over the past few days, they had barely slept an actual real night’s sleep in what felt like forever. It was no wonder she needed time. There was no way to think straight at this point. Part of him worried that she might think that his declaration of love was just part of being caught up in the elation of their win and that was why she needed time. Panicked at this thought, Scott reminded himself of all the moments, especially in the past two years, that told him his feelings were very real and not part of the Olympic high. Convincing Tess of that might be an issue, but he pushed the thought from his mind, hoping it wouldn’t come to that.

Chapter 11: Just Push Through

The rest of the flight was uneventful, save for the fact that Scott’s inner monologue about Tessa wouldn’t stop. While he felt better for apologizing and for Tess’s forgiveness, he kept running both real and fictional scenes of them over and over in his head. 

Tess thanked Chiddy for his flexibility as she sent him back to his seat, plopping down next to Scott. It felt good to have her next to him, though he was amazed at how she was managing to look so pretty despite the many hours on this plane, a lack of sleep, and her being sick. Her voice was nearly gone, and she was obviously uncomfortably stuffed up, but she didn’t complain. She had pulled out her book and was reading (for real this time), though in his stolen glances at her, he noticed her eyes drifting closed more than once. 

They were both spent. With the end of the Games and his massive idiocy over the past few days, they had barely slept an actual real night’s sleep in what felt like forever. It was no wonder she needed time. There was no way to think straight at this point. Part of him worried that she might think that his declaration of love was just part of being caught up in the elation of their win and that was why she needed time. Panicked at this thought, Scott reminded himself of all the moments, especially in the past two years, that told him his feelings were very real and not part of the Olympic high. Convincing Tess of that might be an issue, but he pushed the thought from his mind, hoping it wouldn’t come to that. 

Before Scott could help it, he was thinking of those moments. Hours on the ice when he was so taken with her, immersed in movement and music and her beauty, that he lost himself. It happened often enough that it was hard to put it in the box of “performance.” So many of their programs revolved around passion or love, and their practice had to include those elements. He felt completely connected to her in those moments, as if they were of one body, one soul. Where her movement began, his took the reins and ended it. The feel of Tessa with him, around him, enveloped by him, was so alluring that he craved it all of the time now. He could have his hands on her, and the way—god, the way—she responded to his touch made him ache. Touching nearly every inch of her, running his strong hands over her body, after all these years it had become second nature; however, recently, he savored those caresses in ways he hadn’t before. Sometimes they were light brushes against her skin, other times they were hot and rough. His hands often buzzed with anticipation as they danced, a heat burning deep in his core that was hard to ignore. Pressed against each other, sweaty and breathing heavily, was almost too much for him. The way her delicate lips would come so very close to his within the swell of the music only left him wanting more. Yes, he knew he was in love with her, but he also knew that he wanted her in ways that would make a younger version of himself blush. Only the nerves and pressure of the gold kept him from completely coming undone at the sight of her. 

They spent much of their training trying to be in the present moment, but the upshot of that was living all the touches, the caresses, the feelings of the program as reality in those moments. They even used grounding techniques given to them by their mental coaches to keep them in the present. The lines between the stories they told and the reality of their lives were so blurred that they had become one and the same. It was so palpable after coming back to each other after those two years apart. Scott craved Tessa, and she craved him, and there was nothing that could convince him otherwise. Electricity sizzled between them on the ice and had settled into an intimate coziness even when they were not practicing. There was no way she didn’t feel that. The world felt it. The problem was the bubble that was created around them in those snippets of time protected the feelings that they had, but as soon as the bubble burst, they faced the reality of living in a world made up of definitions and labels in which they did not fit. 

This was why everything was so complicated. Their feelings were so intertwined with who they had to be on the ice that finding where that ended and they, as Tessa and Scott, began was near impossible. Scott knew what they had wasn’t like anything else out there. He had had romantic relationships in the past that he truly wanted to make work; he had jumped into love head first with everyone except the person that truly mattered. Of course, in the end, none of those women were Tess. None knew him the way she did, and none could make him feel the way Tess made him feel. Even if he hadn’t realized it at the time, Tessa would always be the one he held all other women up to. Wistfully, he bet that any of his past girlfriends would attest to that fact. 

He and Tess were two very different people, two adults who had grown up with and into each other. Scott was the passionate, temperamental extrovert who would rather be near family and home, and he contrasted Tessa, the classy, brilliant, intellectual introvert that wanted to take on the world. Both were highly driven, competitive, and loved the sport. Despite what some might think, their differences were what made them great, as they complemented each other in so many ways, both on and off the ice. Scott loved to make Tess laugh in her serious moments, and she was quite adept at matching his temperament of the day and balancing it (and him) with her own. Tess picked up on the smallest nuances in his body language or voice, somehow calculating his mood with expert precision. He, in turn, knew when she was too much in her head, when the wheels were spinning out beneath her glossy exterior. Having to be in sync on the ice had their bodies fine-tuned to each other in ways no one else could likely comprehend. They had as much history as most married couples, with more intimacy in some ways, but they had never dared to take that knowledge and chemistry to another place in their personal lives. Playing this element to the crowd, to the judges, was part of their brand. This is why he understood her need to take time, as much as he wanted something conclusive from her. What they were skirting around was absolutely terrifying. There was no way to label this thing they had, yet Scott knew without a doubt that his love for her was real, whether on the ice or off. 

Sitting there with hours to kill, doubt crept into his mind and wound itself around and around until it was choking him. He replayed moments over in his mind, trying to remember her reactions to things he had said or done. Scott realized that over the past weeks, he practically gushed about Tessa to anyone who would listen, including the media. This was problematic for multiple reasons, but mostly because he had no idea where he stood with her. 

He tried to sleep, to listen to music, to do anything other than think about Tess and whether or not she was in love with him. Somehow, her being right there in the seat next to him again made him feel more whole than he’d felt in the past couple of days, but his mind would not quit. Imagining scenarios of their lives going forward sent him spiraling. Thinking of her far away, not by his side, or being with someone else made his stomach turn. 

Stop it, Moir, he told himself. It isn’t doing you any good to imagine things that aren’t real. 

They had a layover and flight change in Toronto before heading back to London. Of course, press was everywhere, and Scott tried his best to be friendly and eloquent—after all, they had done this for their nation as much as they had for themselves. He shook off fatigue and tried his best to put a genuine smile on his face, but with he and Tess’s relationship in a weird spot, Scott was worried he would say or do the wrong thing in front of the cameras. Usually, he didn’t put much stock into how the media spun their relationship, but that was before he had confessed his love to Tessa. He knew queries about their relationship had ramped up substantially based on the press and social media reactions he and Tessa encountered when in Pyeongchang. Feeling vulnerable and exposed after their conversation on the plane, he fought his self-consciousness and tried to pretend nothing had changed between them as they headed into the airport. 

That was all well and good, but his exhaustion and a multitude of distractions had him losing his train of thought easily, which was not a great position to be in when feeling vulnerable in the middle of an interview. At one point, down the long line of reporters, he ended up talking about what a special journey it had been for he and Tessa, and that if it was the end, how they were kind of taking that in. Scott got lost in thought talking about how they enjoyed their time together during this Olympics. Then he was talking about it being an honor to be and compete as Canadians, but his ability to keep his cool was quickly disappearing, and it became evident to him when he glanced at Tess, leading him to get a bit lost in her, lost in his words as he continued, and suddenly he was talking about it being personal and special to them as partners. For whatever reason, he jumped back in to qualify forcefully, not once, but twice, that they were not partners, but “skating partners.” Once would have been fine, but it was that second one that really drove the point home, not only to himself and Tess, but to anyone out there that thought they were more than that. No one got to think that about them, not now, not when Scott didn’t know himself.

Tess picked up on his spiraling out and was laughing at him a little uncomfortably, as if saying in her own way that he needed to relax and let her take over. The reporter kept going, barely registering his faux pas, but the damage was done for him. Oh, god, he realized, mortified. There had been absolutely no need to reiterate the point that they were only skating partners, yet he just had to push it. Now the moment just played over and over in his head, and he knew that was all they were and would ever be. His racing thoughts would not quit. 

Not being able to contain himself, Scott let out a frustrated cross between a growl and a groan, swinging his arms back and forth, as if that would knock some sense into him. He felt so dumb for feeling this way, for his love and insecurity making him do and say stupid things over and over again, now on camera. They were still in the middle of this interview, he reminded himself, but his ability to listen to the reporter and Tess had gone out the window. He was anxiously rubbing his face, trying to snap out of it and get back in the game. It was hard to control that heart on his sleeve with so little energy left. 

Shutting down, Scott spaced off in his own world. He knew he should be an active listener by paying attention to what Tess was saying, but instead, he just blindly stared off into the crowd, trying to remember a time when he didn’t feel so tired and sensitive about his relationship with T. Looking at Tess woefully, he felt defeated—defeated by the past few days, by his emotions, by her beauty and intelligence. He just didn’t deserve her. Then, he thought he heard Tess say his name, as if trying to pull him back to the conversation, but he just couldn’t re-engage. Feeling bad about this, his jaw clenched, and he crossed his arms protectively over his chest and prayed for it to be over soon. 

And then everyone was saying thank you, and he took this as a cue that this was over, and stood, smiling bashfully, as if trying to make up for his lack of concentration. Then they were moving on to pictures and more interviews, and he felt like it would never end, but he did manage to not say anything else stupid for the time being. Tess was being very professional, but distant, and he knew he was the reason why. 

As they finally boarded their last flight and got settled, Tess leaned into him. 

“What was that back there? You left me hanging during that one interview. Are you okay?” she said quietly, sounding equal parts perturbed and concerned. 

He shook his head before letting it fall back dramatically onto the headrest. “Yeah, sorry about that T. I…uh, I don’t know what happened,” he said running his hand over his face uncomfortably. He knew better than to think that she couldn’t see right through him. He was an open book to her.

“Hmm,” Tess hummed, knowingly. She grabbed his hand and paused, looking at him. “I need you, Scott,” she said, voice low and serious. There was so much that was loaded into that one phrase, so many things it could mean.

This forced Scott to really look at her, something he’d been avoiding since their talk during the last flight. “Okay,” he said, nodding and squeezing her hand, trying to reassure her that he was there for her, no matter what. No matter that he felt he was ripping apart…he had to do better for her.

By the time they were set to land in on home soil in London, Scott felt like utter shit. Sick, sleep deprived, with the prospect of facing press and fans again the moment they stepped off the plane was daunting. His mood was less than approachable, and he felt greasy and grimy from their 24-hour travel day. Tess had managed to refresh a bit by throwing on some make-up, and it was incredible to him how she could still look so beautiful and act so poised with the way she must be feeling. He reminded himself that even though he didn’t feel like he could do this for himself, he would always do it for Tess.

When they landed and headed into the airport behind their families, Tess suddenly grabbed his hand. “Together, yeah?” she said in such a way that made him feel it was just as much for her benefit as it was for his. Scott took a deep breath. He barely had anything left to give. Even so, everything he did have left would go towards making her happy.

“Yeah,” he finally said, trying to shake off his foul mood, but part of him felt a little bitter. Press and greeting fans was as much a part of his job as anything—it should be the fun part, coming home to a rousing crowd of Canadian fans in their hometown. Instead, wrapped in the dark cloud his attitude had taken on, it was demanding and arduous. Their job was the reason Tess needed more time to think about her feelings for him. This job, which he loved—after all, it was the thing that had kept them together for so long—had turned on him, making it more difficult to have the discussions they needed to have about their future. This was why everything was so difficult; they didn’t live simple lives with simple love stories. Their career, their relationship, practically everything was intertwined in a tangled mess of history and duty, leaving little time for personal feelings.

Scott dropped Tessa’s hand, centering himself around the bitterness, compartmentalizing the personal as best he could. It felt more like putting a Band-Aid over a gaping wound. His thoughts took a back seat as they saw and heard the massive crowd of fans singing a round of “O Canada.” He had known there would be fans, but this was insane. It was so loud he could barely think straight, with a sea of people of all ages, decked out in red and white, holding banners and singing at the top of their lungs. It was heartwarming, but extremely overwhelming considering the circumstances. 

Tess looked at him with an unreadable glance and stepped ahead of him through the double glass doors with a smile on her face. Scott braced himself and followed, plastering a smile across his own and waving. He walked near her, but not too near, suddenly feeling very self-conscious of his feelings for her. The need to play it cool had never felt so strong.

As they rounded the baggage claim carousel, they stopped and listened to the slightly off-key ending lines of the song. He covered his mouth with his hand briefly, whispering, “Holy shit, that’s a lot of people,” to Tess, her wide eyes and plastered smile echoing his own. Tess took pictures of the crowd as he adjusted the waist of his pants, as he often did when he was nervous. Tess had teased him about it over the years, how during competition rehearsals he was constantly fussing over the waist of his pants between run-throughs, and he had denied it, never really noticing it before, but she was right, as always. It didn’t stop him from doing it though. It was an unconscious habit that had stuck around.

“Well, I guess our flight details got out,” Scott said jokingly, but also somewhat sarcastically, to the wave of local press that had their mics thrust in his and Tessa’s faces. It came out with more bite than he had intended. His throat ached as he rubbed it with his hand, hoping that his hoarse voice would make it through this round of interviews. Trying to tone down his grumpy attitude, he flipped the switch in his head to media mode, though, as usual, he felt Tessa came across as more eloquent and sincere. 

When one reporter asked, “What’s next?” Scott nearly froze, thinking that he, too, would love to know that. But now was not the time to ruminate. He pursed his lips together, willing himself not to say anything stupid. He so often said too much of what he was thinking, and he prayed that he could hold it together and continue being professional. Like clockwork, Tess took the question and started talking about regrouping and choreographing show numbers, and he threw what he thought could be a smile on his face, but it probably looked more like he was in pain. Distracted by the crowd, he hoped that he didn’t look as crazy as he felt.

Scott answered more questions and talked a lot about being patriotic and having the four “skates of their lives.” Tess watched him carefully as he spoke, as they had learned to do in therapy, but an intensity in her gaze had him on high alert, especially after he mentioned that it had been a “special month” for them. She must be wary after how he lost it in Toronto, and he didn’t blame her.

This was torture. He felt like everything that came out of his mouth, every gesture, was under scrutiny by the press, by the viewers, by Tessa, and now by himself. Trying to keep from saying the wrong thing, even when he didn’t know himself what that wrong thing was, was proving to be very hard. 

Then, a reporter asked how they came down from the high of the last few weeks and Tess came out very candidly with a, “Do we have to?” and suddenly, he was thrown for a loop. 

He immediately jumped in without thinking, “Yeah, exactly…we’re gonna have to…” His jaw clenched. In his head, a thousand thoughts flew by, trying to finish that sentence: we’re gonna have to figure out what we really mean to each other, we’re gonna have to come down from the high, and I hope to god that we still are together. Overthinking it internally, he stumbled through an actual answer, causing him to pause for what seemed like an eternity. Tess watched him with her piercing green eyes, pleading with him to continue with the subtle facial expressions only he knew how to read. 

He bit his lip, “I…I don’t know…that’s a great question…ummm, we’re not gonna try to do that any time soon.” He finally raced through an answer about hanging out with the people that had been there to support them, but that couldn’t be with them in Korea. He ended with something about how it had been a long time for him and Tess, and they were just trying to enjoy every single moment.

Right now, he was just really wishing for this moment to end.

Another reporter was asking if this Olympics was more special than ones in the past, and then Tess was talking, and he was just thinking that, hell, yes, it was more special. Being out there with her, skating those amazing programs the way they had, still being together after twenty years…it was incredibly special. But there was Tess, not putting labels on their “sentimental” experiences, the culmination of it all, how proud they were, how great their B2Ten team was…the words felt like half-truths, especially when all he wanted to do was shout how special everything was because he was doing it with the person he loved most in this world. Instead, Scott kept his jaw clenched and his lips pursed on lockdown, and let Tess finish this one. He was rubbing his chin, and then they were asking him to add something, and he managed to get out a, “Yeah, exactly,” as if he hadn’t been spacing off in his own imaginary alternate universe where he and Tessa were happily enjoying their successes and each other to the fullest.

As the questions continued to fly, he tried to stay more grounded in the moment, rather than thinking about what came next for he and Tess. This was easier said than done as the reporters asked about their futures. At one point, when asked about the possibility of coaching, he was saying, knowing that it meant something different to Tessa’s ears, “There’s a lot of questions about our future that we have to sit down and figure out.” He saw T’s forced smile out of the corner of his eye, and he knew that answer had landed with her. He turned, welcoming the next question, without looking at her. Scott knew that she knew what he’d meant.

But the next question, about how they were going to celebrate also had a double meaning for him, for them. He was so tight, as she spoke about having some quiet moments and champagne, his jaw locked in a cross between fear and hesitation. His arms crossed protectively around himself as he kept bringing his hands to his face and chin, actively trying to contain his emotions. Was he being as transparent and obvious as he felt? He had no idea. Being in the spotlight wasn’t new for him, but feeling so off kilter, so emotionally fractured, so strangely separate from Tess, that he couldn’t think straight. Everything felt out of balance, and he was holding on for dear life.

It seemed never-ending, and finally, the clincher came at the end:

“What’s the future like for you two? How are you going to continue this relationship?” the reporter asked.

Wouldn’t he like to know. His only way out of this one was through. Even though this felt like the worst possible question at the moment, the reporter had no idea what had happened between them. It was Scott’s job to make this go away in an easy, nonchalant way, “Well, Tess and I are lucky that in figure skating we get to go on tour, the Stars On Ice tour in Japan and Canada and then a couple more in Japan…Um… that kinda takes us all the way up to the summer, so we’re excited about that,” he rambled on, pointedly looking at Tess. She stared at him coolly, practically daring him to say something more. Of course, everything he said in this moment had another meaning for her. If they couldn’t talk about their feelings for each other yet, he’d just carefully remind her that he was there, waiting. He continued, “Cuz we love skating together, we love working together, so to be able to do that, maybe, without the pressure of the judges and making sure that every point counts, I think that’ll be liberating right now for us.” 

Liberating was quite the choice of words, he thought silently.

“Yup,” T jumped in, nodding, as he glanced at her quickly, hardly believing that his speech was at all coherent.

Scott just kept on going, “So we’re looking forward to that. That’s kinda the next chapter for us then we have to kinda see what the future holds, yeah.” Then, he ended the interview abruptly with a, “Perfect, thank you very much.”

Guiding her away from the press, Scott had noticeably not been touching Tessa. He wanted to, felt himself gravitate towards doing so, but he was too wrapped up in how it might look or how she might feel about it. He felt awkward around her right now and was glad to split up momentarily in the crowd to sign autographs, take photos, and chat with the little fans. Scott still felt off kilter, though, and was more forced than he wanted to be. He figured if he faked a smile, a laugh, eventually he would believe it, instead of feeling as though everything was caving in on him. Usually, he lived for this part, but right now, it was just hard.

After what had to be an hour, Scott and Tess finally made it to the SUV that was waiting to take them home. Their families had left after arriving, opting not to stay for the media circus at the airport. Now that it was just he and Tess in the car, with the craziness behind him, a feeling of unrest settled between them. There was nothing getting in their way now, except for themselves. 

They sat quietly, a heavy silence between them as they sped through the town to her apartment. He was at a loss for words. 

As they pulled up to Tessa’s place, the driver jumped out to grab her bags from the back, and they just stared at each other for a moment, an unspoken agreement between them. Tessa’s eyes were tired and glassy as she looked from his face down to her hands, as if she knew what this was doing to him but couldn’t stop it. Instead of using words, he pulled her in, kissing her cheek, and held her in a long embrace. Scott felt her hands wind around him, and she gave into the moment, resting her head against his shoulder. They sat like that, wrapped in each other, breathing together for what felt like the last time, even though they knew logically that it wasn’t.

This is where it all changed, he thought. Tomorrow will be nothing like it was yesterday.

As they pulled away from each other, Tessa gulped audibly and made her way out of the car, trying not to look at him. 

As he watched Tess and the driver make their way to her door, Scott, overcome with emotion, choked out a barely audible, “Bye, kiddo,” that he knew she could not hear.

Tess suddenly turned and looked straight at him, a small smile on her lips, as if she’d heard him. His heart skipped a beat. This was how connected they were. A warm wave of hope washed over him. 

As the car pulled away, he felt the tether that tied them together wind heavily around his heart, and he came to a realization:

Hope, while beautiful, is also painful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thursday, Lovelies! <3
> 
> Well, this chapter turned into a behemoth. I really wanted to examine Scott's range of emotions when they arrived back in Canada, and I tried to weave in as much of their initial press as possible for authenticity. Hopefully, it comes across well, even though it's a long one!
> 
> So much thanks goes to you for reading and for your encouraging words! Hope you enjoyed this chapter! More soon!  
> <3 <3


	12. Just Hold Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scott spends a strange afternoon with a fever-laden Tessa.
> 
> OR
> 
> In their twenty years together, they had never resorted to yelling and name calling, but here they were. Multiple blowouts in one week. What was happening to them? This was his fault…if he hadn’t been so selfish by telling her how he felt after the gala, they could have avoided all of this. It was as if he had taken his pining and confusion and transferred it onto her. It wasn’t what he had intended, but it was true: he’d only created more suffering for her by telling her. 
> 
> Feeling exhausted by the whirlwind emotions of the last hour (though it had seemed like several), Scott started to get up from his perch on her side of the bed to let her rest. Tessa’s hand shot out and gripped his, though, and he looked back at her, surprised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, Lovelies!
> 
> This chapter has a little bit of everything (some fluff, some flashbacks, some sexiness) and as always, a lot of angst. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy! For those who have made it this far, I salute you and thank you! <3 <3 <3
> 
> Have a great start to your week!

Chapter 12: Just Hold Me

When Scott’s head finally hit his own pillow in his own bed, he slept like the dead. No dreams plagued him for the first time in ages, though the heaviness in his heart remained a dull reminder of the unresolved. While he could probably sleep for two days straight, he knew that would be a terrible idea. He had traveled the world enough to know what a bitch jetlag could be, so before falling into the dark depths of sleep, he set three alarms, hoping they would rouse him in time for his big family party later. 

Scott was glad to be home in Ilderton. Filling his time with family, friends, and as much beer as he wanted reminded him that there was more to life than skating competitions. Yes, he enjoyed being the hometown hero, but after the congratulations had been passed around, he got to be Scott Moir, everyday guy. Being the extrovert that he was, he was rejuvenated by catching up with those he’d missed while in the Olympic bubble. 

Alma watched him knowingly from across the crowded room, not saying a word about their conversation after the gala. Scott had been able to quickly tell her before everyone had arrived that Tess didn’t want to kill him anymore, but that she still needed time to think. Alma had nodded and hugged him in the way only a mother could. He tried not to think too much about Tessa, who was sick at home in bed, and how much he missed that she was not by his side, sharing in this joy. It was strange, he knew, that even though he had spent so many hours with her recently, that he still wanted more of her. 

Tuesday rolled around, and he liked waking up without the alarm, especially after a night of partying. He loved skating, of course, but being able to take a break from early morning training was delicious, until he realized he wouldn’t see Tess and his heart sank a little. Honestly, the best parts of his days when training was how he got to spend them with T. Seeing her was built into his day. 

He stared at his phone, knowing that if he called her now, she probably wouldn’t answer. It was too early. If it was before 11am, talking to Tess wasn’t an option. She had adapted to their early morning training schedule out of necessity, but she was a night owl at heart. He figured with jetlag and being sick, she wouldn’t appreciate the morning wake-up call. Begrudgingly, he ousted himself out of bed and got on with his day.

As it neared 1pm, he felt the fatigue setting in. Scott thought a midday nap would be great, but instead picked up the phone and called Tess. The little adolescent in him was a bit nervous and excited to hear her voice.

“Morning, kiddo! You get some rest?” he joked, jumping in before she could say anything. 

“Hello? Scott?” a familiar older woman’s voice said. It was Kate, Tessa’s mom. 

“Kate? Oh, hey,” he replied, trying to hide the disappointment in his voice. Why was she answering Tessa’s phone? Suddenly, a wave of panic raced through him. “Is Tess okay?”

“She’s pretty sick. I’m going to hang out with her today. I didn’t want the phone to wake her, but I wanted you to know why she might not answer,” Kate said quietly.

Something in Kate’s voice made him wonder if Tessa had told her what he’d said. She was Tessa’s mom after all. He had talked to his, so why wouldn’t she talk to hers? Scott felt a little embarrassed, but he didn’t know for sure if Kate knew anything. Tess wasn’t as forthcoming about her emotions as he was, so it was equally possible that Kate knew nothing. 

“Umm...Okay, I guess I’ll call back later?” he stammered. Normally, he would make a joke or something, but his mind went blank instead. 

“Scott?” she said.

“Yeah, Kate?”

“Maybe you could stop by tomorrow and check in on her? I have some things that I need to get done, and she’ll probably be tired of me by then, anyway,” Kate said, laughing gently.

“I can do that,” Scott said, heart leaping just a little bit. 

Scott would be lying if he didn’t say he felt better knowing that he would see Tessa the next day, but in the back of his mind, he was a bit worried, too. Despite the welcomed distraction of hanging out at the bar with his buddies, taking pictures with fans, and even indulging in a little dancing with a group of drunken girls, his mind still went back to Tess. What it she didn’t actually want to see him yet, and Kate just didn’t know? What if it was awkward and she didn’t want to talk to him? 

When he arrived the next day, he didn’t really know what to expect. He knocked on the front door—three quick taps—but heard nothing. After waiting a few moments, he decided to let himself in. It wasn’t unusual for him to do so; they were basically family. 

Platonic family, he added in his head.

“Tess?” he said, walking through the door, looking around the front room for any sign of her. There were none, other than an oversized blue fleece blanket piled in a heap on the couch next to a box of tissues and an empty mug of tea. The room had the distinct smell of Tessa—a warm, aromatic, natural sweetness with a hint of spice. It smelled comforting, like home.

As Scott walked in, he shrugged off his coat, throwing it next to the blanket on the couch. He hoped that she wasn’t asleep. Making his way through the place, he thought he heard water running. 

“T?” he called out again, hoping for a response.

“Scott?” her muffled reply echoed, indicating that she was probably in the bathroom. “Hang on! I’m in the bath!” she shouted. She sounded weird—off, somehow. 

Suddenly, before he could reply, Scott heard a crash and a yelp. Instincts taking over, he raced through the house, busting through her bedroom to the adjoining bath in mere seconds. 

“Oh my god, Tess!” he said, heart pounding as he skidded to a stop in the doorway. At first, all his mind registered was that she was hurt and there was blood. Tessa sat on the wet tile floor, her legs bent off to the side, hunched over and clutching her hand. Dark red droplets fell to the floor in front of her, creating a macabre scene on the white tile. Trying not to panic, he asked, “Are you okay?” 

A little whimper escaped her lips as she finally looked up at him, a bit confused. “I think I cut myself,” she said softly, somewhere between giggling and crying, but not in the post-we-won-the-Olympics kind of way. Scott froze—it was unsettling because she wasn’t acting like herself at all. Her green eyes looked almost glazed over. 

Snapping out of his shock at the scene, he reached over and grabbed the hand towel off the counter. Kneeling in front of her, he took her hands in his, opening them to look at the damage. She hissed. A piece of bloody glass rested in her palm, which he promptly removed, inspecting the cut. It was long, but not too deep. It looked worse than it was because of the blood. He wrapped the towel around her small hand tightly.

“I need you to put pressure on that, okay, T?” Scott said gently. She nodded, eyes wide and looking through him. Now that he knew she was basically okay, he began to take in the rest of the scene around him. 

“Scott? Can you get me a towel?” she said, shivering. That was when it finally registered that she was naked and dripping wet on the floor in front of him. In his panic at the blood, he hadn’t even noticed that she must have fallen while getting out of the bathtub, which was full of warm, soapy water. He flushed at the realization, although Tessa was sitting in such a way that he couldn’t really see anything scandalous. Her wet, dark hair clung to her face and chest, and her pale skin was pink from the warmth of the bath. Scott quickly averted his eyes, becoming acutely aware of her vulnerability, and grabbed the giant, fluffy towel hanging on the hook on the wall. Scott wrapped it gently around her shoulders.

Trying to distract himself from his naked skating partner sprawled on the bathroom floor, he tried to piece together what had happened. That’s when he noticed the open bottle of champagne on the edge of the Jaccuzzi-style bathtub and the broken glass on the floor. She must have knocked over the champagne flute as she got out of the tub and slipped when she got distracted. As graceful as Tess was on the ice, she was pretty clumsy off. 

Tess started to shift on the floor. “Wait!” Scott said, louder than he’d intended in the small space. She jumped a little in surprise. “T, don’t move. There’s glass all over the floor,” he continued, feeling overwhelmed all of a sudden by what to do next. He needed to get her off the floor without her cutting herself more, but there was the pesky problem of her being totally naked and soaking wet. The towel rested over her shoulders, covering her up top, but there was no way for her to adjust it to wrap it around her since she was putting pressure on her cut hand with her other hand. He bit his lip for a second as he puzzled out what to do. It was awkward, to be sure. Tess just waited, shivering on the floor, looking up at him, uncharacteristically dazed. He was a bit concerned at her state of mind, but that worry would have to wait a minute.

Scott realized then that even though it was really awkward, he would just have to pick Tess up as is. Though he had picked her up and lifted her a thousand times in a variety of ways over the years, it had never been as intimate as this. He shook off the embarrassment, understanding that getting her safe was the most important thing at the moment. 

“Alright, T, I need to get you up off of the floor without you getting cut again, eh?” he paused. “Is it okay if I pick you up and carry you?” He wasn’t about to just pick her up naked without her consent. 

Tess sleepily considered the situation, realizing what he had about the glass, her hand, and the towel as she looked around the bathroom. “Okay,” she whispered, nodding. She looked at him, trust filling her eyes.

“Okay,” he breathed. Carefully, he kneeled down, grateful for his shoes as shards of glass popped underneath the soles. He slipped one arm under Tessa’s bent knees and circled the other around her back, over the towel. As soon as he started shifting her weight, he realized that he had no purchase on her back over the towel, and that she would slip right out of his arms if he continued. Scott huffed, setting her back down for a moment. “Sorry,” he whispered in her ear as he snaked his arm under the towel, finally gaining the purchase he needed on the bare, damp flesh of her back. 

Scott lifted her up easily, as he had been training to do his whole life. He tried not to think about the wetness of the back of her thighs against his arm, or how his hand grazed the bottom curve of her bare breast. Her head fell against his chest as he carried her over the threshold and into her bedroom. In other circumstances, he thought, this could be an incredibly sexy moment. He quickly banished those thoughts from his mind, though, as he gently set her feet on the floor. Tessa hissed in pain as she stood.

That’s when he noticed the blood smear on the arm that had been supporting her legs.

“Ouch, ouch, owwww,” she muttered, suddenly spinning round and round trying to look at her backside. Scott tried not to stare. Then, the giggles started, and when Tessa Virtue started giggling, it wasn’t going to stop soon, and it was known to be contagious.

“I think…I have glass…I have glass in my…ahahahaha…” Tess giggled uncontrollably, desperately trying to clutch onto the towel around her shoulders and the towel around her hand at the same time. She was losing the battle as she giggled and spun, so Scott pulled her in and stopped her. Then, Scott began to fill in the blanks as he looked at his now blood smeared arm and back at her and what she was giggling about. 

Scott started laughing, too. He couldn’t help himself once he figured it out. It was too ridiculous. 

Trying to be serious, he asked, “T, are you trying to say that you have glass in…in your ass?” Tess looked at him wild-eyed, nodding furiously, and they both erupted in uncontrollable laughter. Despite the situation, he loved that big laugh of hers more than anything. 

Suddenly, she was hiccoughing between giggles. His eyes narrowed as he remembered the champagne that started this whole mess. His eyes widened in realization.

“You’re drunk!” he gasped dramatically, teasing her a bit. Tessa didn’t drink very often, so she was a bit of a lightweight. “TuTu, just how much did you drink?” he asked her. She giggled more, still clutching at the towel bandaging her hand and one around her shaking shoulders. 

“I may or may not have had a bottle of champagne, minus what was in the glass,” she looked at him mischievously. “Oh, and before that I had some cold medicine because of the fever,” she added, as if just remembering that maybe drinking a bottle of champagne after taking cold medicine and having a fever wasn’t the best idea. “Ohhhhhhh…Scott, I’m wasted!” Her eyes got wide with shock, and the giggles stopped for a moment.

“Yeah, sweetie, I think you are,” he said, hands on her shoulders over the towel, barely believing what he’d walked into. It was pretty strange for Tess to do something so reckless. Usually, she was very controlled and careful about how she treated her body. Scott guessed the past few days had caused a mixture of letdown, relief, and confusion for her, which could account for her out-of-character choices.

“Scott,” she whispered seriously, giggles gone and eyes glassy. “What are we going to do about the glass…in my ass?” Giggles burst back up as she said it.

He shook his head in disbelief at what he was going to say. “Well, I guess we’ll have to get it out,” he chuckled. “Where’s your first aid kit?”

After grabbing it from the hall closet, Scott tried to gather his thoughts. Tried not to think about the reality of Tessa drunk, beautifully naked and giggling, in the other room. Tried to remind himself that he needed to shut off his male brain to get this done. Tried to remind himself that he couldn’t let his feelings for her distract him from taking care of her. 

Scott made his way back into the bedroom, strengthening his resolve on the way. As he walked back in, what he didn’t expect was to find Tessa lying face down on the towel on the bed, her bare backside exposed to him, as casually as though she was in the sun getting a tan.

“Jesus, T!” he exclaimed, head spinning away from her, trying not to look at her naked body sprawled out on the bed in front of him.

Tess giggled, an adorable, sexy, throaty laugh, and he gulped. 

“Oh, come on, Scott,” she said huskily. “It’s just an ass.” 

He wondered if she knew what she was doing to him.

Scott took a deep breath and turned back around. He could do this. She turned her head and looked at him in a way he had only dreamed about, her emerald eyes dusky and a coy smirk playing across her lips. He swallowed, trying to think unsexy thoughts, and went into the bathroom to grab a wet wash cloth and more towels. The bloody mess on the floor helped cool him down a little and remind him of his task. As Scott washed the blood off his arm and hands, he tried to gather his attention as though he was going into a tricky step combination in which he had to be laser focused. Taking a few deep breaths, he went back into the bedroom. 

“Okay, Tess, let’s do this. Let’s get this glass out of your ass!” he joked, trying to diffuse his conflicting emotions with humor. She giggled and laid her head down on the towel still wrapped around her hand. He’d have to take care of that next.

Scott sat down on the bed next to her, hesitating slightly before taking the wet washcloth and gently wiping the blood off of her thighs to find the glass and the cuts. Tessa’s thighs were muscled and lean and strong from hundreds of hours of training over the years. He ran the washcloth slowly up to her buttocks and heard a small hum come from T. It was a sound that was less pain induced and more about a deeper hunger. That sound immediately turned him on, but he desperately tried to focus on finding glass and cuts and not on the woman he loved lying there, naked on her bed.

Now that the blood was wiped away, he could see the little cuts on one of her thighs and the small shard of glass lodged in her left ass cheek. He took a pair of tweezers from the kit and a long lighter (which T obviously used for candles) and began sterilizing the tweezers.

“Oooh, kinky,” Tessa said coquettishly, turning her head to watch him again. Scott cleared his throat loudly without looking back at her. He didn’t know if he could keep it together if he saw the look in her eyes in that moment. He was already too close the edge, one he knew he couldn’t cross, at least, not like this. 

“This is gonna sting,” he warned, and grabbed the shard of glass and pulled it out before she even knew what hit her. Tessa gasped and bit into the towel covering her hand. Scott tried not to think about that either as he walked over and threw the glass in the trash. He steeled himself, turning back to her.

“It’s probably really good that I’m drunk as a skunk right now, Scotty, otherwise that might have really hurt,” she said, with a smile and a little slur in her voice. She hardly ever called him Scotty, and never in public. It was endearing and cute and tugged at his heartstrings even more. 

“Well, to be fair, you probably wouldn’t have gotten glass in your ass cheek if you hadn’t been drunk,” he pointed out, teasing her.

“Hey, now! Those are fighting words!” Tess giggled, trying to turn over without remembering that she would be flashing him if she did. Scott pushed her down quickly and more firmly than he intended, trying to keep her from exposing herself even more. 

“Ooof. I see how it is, Scotty. That’s fine—you like this view, I get it. I do have a pretty nice ass. It’s not as nice as yours though,” she giggled. 

“T!” he gasped. Scott tried not to be shocked, but she almost never talked like this. It was a bit jarring, although it did provide interesting information about her looking at his ass that he would store away to contemplate later. 

“What? It’s true…,” T said, affronted, like they were having a casual conversation at dinner and he was ruining it.

“Tess…you’re killing me here. Let me just finish cleaning these so I can bandage you up,” he said, nearly begging her to stop. He wasn’t sure how to deal with this Tess; this drunk, sexually charged, kind of aggressive version that he’d never seen before was equal parts scary, new territory and unbelievably sexy. He was hanging on by a thread.

“Fine,” she conceded, settling back down. He would like to say that he rushed through, putting Neosporin and bandages all over her creamy thighs and butt cheek as fast as possible, but he’d be lying. Scott found himself taking his time—there was something incredibly intimate about what he was doing. It wasn’t just the sexiness or her attitude; there was something about being able to take care of her like this, with her putting all her trust in him to do so. That was special, in its own strange way. 

“Alright, all done Glassy-Ass,” he said, as he put the last bandaid on her, discovering a new nickname to add to the many she already had. “Lemme fix that hand, eh?” 

Scott got up and went to the bathroom to rinse out the washcloth, so he could clean her hand next. He’d made it through the hard part, he thought, mentally patting himself on the back. 

Walking back in, he saw Tessa sitting up, the towel now draped precariously over the front of her, held up only by her free hand. She looked incredibly beautiful sitting there, hair still damp and cheeks rosy, flushed from the alcohol and the fever. Her green eyes were glassy and shined at him in the light. He was reminded that she needed no make-up to look ravishing. He recalled a time long, long ago when she wore it for competition the first couple of times, and how it threw him off. He couldn’t understand why regular Tessa wasn’t pretty enough as she was for the judges. His mom had to explain to him that performing was different than real life—how they had to exaggerate everything, how he would have to start wearing make-up, too. 

They’d had to exaggerate a lot of things for their careers, and now they were here. Scott was so in love with her that he’d sit here for years pulling glass out of her ass cheeks if he needed to. 

Scott paused, looking at her quietly for a moment, taking in Tessa’s beauty before walking back over to the bed to sit next to her. He carefully unwrapped the towel from around her cut hand, and she hissed a little as it stung. Thankfully, the bleeding had stopped, and he blotted the long cut gently, hoping to not reopen the wound. They both sat quiet, looking at her hand as he finally bandaged it up. 

“Thanks,” she whispered, raising her eyes to meet his. Scott became lost in them for a minute before he realized how close they were and that he was still holding her hand in his. How she was still very naked with only a towel covering her. His breath hitched a little in his throat. The way Tess was looking at him was unmistakable, even for their strange, complicated relationship. She looked like she wanted to kiss him. Like she wanted to do other things to him. And he wanted all of that to happen. But not now. Not like this. Not with her drunk. Not without having an actual discussion about where they stood with each other. 

“I better clean that bathroom before anything stains,” he said, dropping her hand and getting up. “You can…uh…get dressed now.” Scott practically ran into the bathroom and cleaned more furiously than he’d cleaned anything in his entire life. It was as if he was trying to scrub away all the tension between them. Tess said nothing from the other room. He was grateful for the breather, but he knew as he finished that he would have to go in there and face her.

Finally, he had nothing else to clean and walked back into the bedroom, hoping to find her in normal Tessa-at-home mode, in yoga pants with her hair in a messy bun and a book in her lap. But what he found instead was Tessa lying on her side, facing him on top of the pristine white down-comforter, which one side of was now pulled up in front of her, covering only the most intimate parts of her. Scott couldn’t help himself from taking in the long, uninterrupted line of her exposed bare flesh, from her toes to her head, as he stopped in his tracks. Her dark hair, red cheeks, and green eyes stood out in stark contrast to the comforter. The towel was discarded rebelliously in a pile on the floor in front of him. Tess didn’t leave piles on the floor of anything, ever.

“Fuck…Tess…,” he couldn’t stop the words from moaning out of his mouth. This reaction produced a slow, proud smile from Tess, as if she had achieved the intended effect and was quite pleased of herself. Her response ignited him. A fiery heat rose in him, and Scott swallowed, using everything he had to hold back from jumping into that bed and devouring her. 

Tessa extended her fingers to him and beckoned him to come to her. He swallowed. She batted her long eyelashes in that way she did when she wanted something from him. That way he always gave into. 

Oh, sweet Jesus, Scott thought. He was royally fucked.

Then, his body was moving towards Tessa’s, and his mind was screaming at him to stop, but he didn’t. Not until he was at the edge of the bed, standing over her as she gazed up at him longingly. This was a dance, but not one they had choreographed. He didn’t know what move would come next, and it terrified him and excited him at the same time. 

Scott felt like he wasn’t in control of his body. There were times when this had happened on the ice, when either he was so much in the zone that he didn’t need to think anymore, or when he was so nervous he could barely feel his legs. This feeling now was somewhere in between those two. Tess rose up to meet him, one hand clutching the blanket, the other reaching for him and grabbing his shirt, pulling him towards her. His legs practically gave out from under him and then he was sitting, facing her, as she ran her hand slowly through his hair.

“Scott,” Tessa whispered. “What do you want?” she asked seductively as her hand delicately ran down his face, her mouth so close that he could feel her breath. 

What did he want? He wanted her, in every way possible. He physically ached for her, which was apparent by the bulge becoming obvious in his pants. Yes, he wanted her with every fiber of his being, but not like this. Not some drunken hook-up.

Scott grabbed her hand off his face and gently kissed it before he stood up. “I want…to make sure you’re okay. Let me get you a glass of water,” he said, using every ounce of willpower he had to do the right thing. A look of confusion, then hurt, crossed her features. 

“Wait. What?” Tess shook her head as if trying to comprehend his words. 

“I’ll be back,” he said, starting to walk out of the room. 

“What the hell, Scott?” her voice became sharp and accusatory, still slurred slightly from the alcohol. “I’m practically throwing myself at you, and you’re walking away?” 

She was pissed. Drunk and now pissed. Perfect.

“I’m going to get you some water, so you won’t have a monster headache later,” Scott paused, refusing to turn and face her. Facing her, looking at those eyes, it might weaken his newfound resolve. He kept walking toward the doorway. 

In an instant, Tess was behind him, her naked body pressed against his back, without making a sound. Scott could feel her heat, and it was like the breath was knocked out of him. His arm shot out and grabbed the doorframe as he steadied himself, trying to ignore the feeling of her taught body against his. 

“Scott, I need you,” she said, and he was nearly undone by this, gripping the doorway for dear life, refusing to turn around. Her hands were on him then, grabbing his ass and wrapping slowly around his hips, snaking towards his pressing erection. Her touch was pure electricity, sending shivers down his spine. His head fell back a bit, eyes rolling back in his head before he could control it. His resolve was beginning to crumble out from under him. What if he just let this play out? The thought was fleeting, and he knew better than to indulge it. 

A sudden memory of their Carmen program from years ago flashed in his mind. It had been the first time he’d ever really seen Tess play the aggressor and in such a sexually charged way. It had been so different to see her like that—there was a fire in her eyes he had never seen before. It was exhilarating, the way she attacked him with her eyes. The way she was taunting and tempting him now was just like how her character had taunted his in the program. Somehow, this thought helped him gain some control. 

“No, Tessa.” Scott caught her wrists, firmly holding her hands back from crossing a line they couldn’t uncross. “We are not doing this now. You are…not at a hundred percent. This is the alcohol talking,” he said, stepping forward and letting go of her hands, making his way into the hall. 

“How dare you,” she scoffed behind him, following closely. He could feel her indignation. “You tell me you love me, then you reject me?”

That stung; it wasn’t fair, and Tessa knew it. Suddenly, Scott’s temper flared, like a tsunami coming out of nowhere. He was trying to do the right thing, and she was uncharacteristically antagonizing him and being cruel about it. He clenched his jaw, hands balling into fists, hoping to keep his anger at bay.

“Stop it, Tessa. You aren’t thinking straight, and you don’t know what you’re saying. Put some clothes on, and I’ll get you some water, and you can rest,” he said through gritted teeth.

“Don’t patronize me, Scott. I’m totally thinking straight and know exactly what I’m saying,” Tessa seethed at him, her voice hoarse and husky. “Don’t be a coward,” she spit at him. She grabbed his arm before he could get very far and yanked him backwards, pulling him to her and forcing him to face her. 

Visceral feelings raged through him as he nearly crashed into her with his momentum. He stopped short in front of her, refusing to let himself look at her fully naked body before him. Instead, he focused on her eyes, which were flashing green, narrowed and smirking. He was all at once furious and aroused, trying desperately to hold back and not fall into this strange manipulation that was at play. But he was quickly losing the battle.

“Fine, T. Are we really doing this now?” he said, his voice deep and low, trying to remain in control. Her eyes sparkled with something akin to delight as she pulled this response from him. Who was this person in front of him? Because it didn’t seem like Tess. Scott stood completely still as she moved closer, closing what little distance there had been between them. One soft hand wound around to the back of his head, her fingers running deliciously through his hair. The other slipped under his shirt, fingers flicking over the bare skin of his abdomen. He couldn’t hold back the sharp gasp that escaped his lips. 

“Yes, let’s,” she replied, mistaking his response for an invitation. Her pupils were blown as her pleasure centers were engaged. But he was angry. Angry that she was suddenly all over him, like this. Angry at this sexual tension now obviously bubbling between them. Angry that he couldn’t stop thinking about throwing her on the bed and having passionate, pissed-off sex with her. Angry that she was playing with his emotions. Angry that he’d admitted that he loved her, and she hadn’t said it back.

“You think I’M the coward?” Scott said, stone-faced and locking Tessa down with his eyes. “You are the one throwing yourself at me out of nowhere, putting on this temptress act, when I’m just trying to help you. YOU are the one who can’t tell me how you really feel,” he said, his anger dissipating as he said the thing that was bothering him the most.

His words had the same effect as if he’d doused her with cold water. He’d broken the spell. Scott watched as the arousal in her eyes switched to something else entirely, and suddenly her filled with tears. Tessa let go of his hair and her hand dropped from his stomach and she froze there, her still-naked body tensing and trembling. 

Seeing her vulnerable like this washed away nearly all of his arousal and anger in one fell swoop. Scott moved around her and walked to her closet. He took a silky floral dressing gown off the hanger and walked up behind her, gently holding it open for her as she reluctantly shrugged into it, shivering once more. Intimately, though not sexually, he circled his arms around Tess, wrapping the robe in front of her and tying it closed with the sash. They stood there for a moment, his arms encircling her protectively from behind in this strange embrace. Neither said a word, and the only sound was Tessa’s quiet sniffles. Scott leaned his head into hers, kissing her temple softly, unexpectedly tasting sweat there. That was when he noticed her hot skin and damp forehead. He quickly brought his hand up to feel her face and forehead more thoroughly. Her cheeks were flushed and tear-stained.

“Oh, Tess, you’re burning up,” he said gently, instantly feeling terrible that he’d been too distracted by everything that he hadn’t truly noticed how sick she was. She let him lead her to the bed, where he pulled back the covers and helped her settle in. She looked exhausted and defeated and had effectively shut down. Trying not to let guilt overrun him, Scott went and grabbed a big glass of water from the kitchen, along with some Advil and a cool compress. He heard her blow her nose in the other room.

When he walked back in, he handed her the water and the Advil, urging her to drink. Still saying nothing, Tess took the medicine and drank the water down in big gulps. She laid her head back on the pillow and allowed him to brush her hair gently off her face before putting the cold compress on her forehead. Before Tess closed her eyes, she gave him a pleading look, as if begging him to understand that she was sorry. This was the way with them: they knew what the other needed without words. Scott shook his head at her gently, barely whispering, “It’s okay.” She shut her eyes and another tear ran down her face. He felt heartbroken and confused, but the overwhelming need to take care of her trumped all of that. 

In their twenty years together, they had never resorted to yelling and name calling, but here they were. Multiple blowouts in one week. What was happening to them? This was his fault…if he hadn’t been so selfish by telling her how he felt after the gala, they could have avoided all of this. It was as if he had taken his pining and confusion and transferred it onto her. It wasn’t what he had intended, but it was true: he’d only created more suffering for her by telling her. 

Feeling exhausted by the whirlwind emotions of the last hour (though it had seemed like several), Scott started to get up from his perch on her side of the bed to let her rest. Tessa’s hand shot out and gripped his, though, and he looked back at her, surprised. 

“Please don’t leave,” she said in a whisper, her shining eyes open again and begging him to stay. It wasn’t sexual—that was all drained from her. This was her needing comfort, her needing to not be alone or separate from him. This was part of a deep understanding they had created long ago, but he was a little shocked at the timing. He had assumed she would want to be as far from him as possible. 

Tess scooted over in the bed, making room for him. Scott looked at her warily, unsure that this was really what she wanted. She nodded and moved the covers aside to let him in. He pulled off his shoes before joining her under the covers. They both simultaneously turned in to face each other, him lying straight while she curled up into a little ball. Not touching, they just stared at each other for a while, somehow saying everything and nothing at all at the same time. 

It began many years ago at one of their first competitions away from home. Scott didn’t really remember how old they’d been, but it had to have been one where they were old enough to have their own rooms, or for some reason, their parents hadn’t been there the night before. Either way, Scott had gotten really homesick one night. He remembered that awful feeling in the pit of his stomach, lying alone in his room, tossing and turning. An overwhelming feeling had come over him, like the only person who might understand, who might make it go away, was Tessa, so he snuck out of his room to find hers. The bright hallway lights had made him feel exposed as he tiptoed through the hotel hallway to her room and knocked lightly on the door, hoping to wake her, but not anyone else. He’d been nervous, bouncing from foot to foot and wringing his hands and it seemed to take eons for her to come to the door, but she had. 

“Scotty?” she had said, squinting her eyes at the brightness from the hall and looking confused.

“Can I please come in?” he pleaded. He must’ve sounded desperate because she opened the door and let him in right away. Her room was dark, save for the light that was on in the bathroom. Once there, he didn’t know exactly what to say. Scott felt better being near her, but his stomach still churned.

She’d waited for him to say something, looking at him, trying to figure out what was wrong. Finally, she’d just grabbed his hand in her small one and said, “It’s okay, I can’t sleep either.”

He’d burst into tears. Full-on blubbery tears. He’d been a mess. Tess had just hugged him, letting him cry it out. Finally, Scott had pulled away from her, wiping his snotty, tear-streaked face on the sleeve of his pajamas. 

Tess had grabbed in hand in the dim light and brought him into the bed with her. They had been young enough where this wasn’t weird; it was just like a sleepover, but with no grown-ups around. It was Tess and being with Tess was as natural as anything. They’d gotten under the covers and faced each other in the near-darkness. Their heads had been close, and she still held his hand and he already felt better just being closer to her.

“I’m really homesick,” he eventually whispered to her. She’d squeezed his hand, letting him know she was there for him.

“That’s okay. I keep feeling like I’m gonna throw up whenever I think about going out there to skate tomorrow,” she confessed. He’d squeezed her hand back, in turn letting her know he was there for her.

“I’ll be out there with you, Tutu, and I don’t care if you puke,” he’d said. Tess had giggled, and he smiled in the dark.

“You won’t like it if I puke on you!” she said in between giggles. 

“Yeah, well, it’ll be gross, but I’ll stick with you just the same. We can just skate through the puke,” he said, trying to make her laugh more. His stomach hurt less the more she laughed.

“Ewwww! That’s disgusting, Scott!” she said, kicking at him. He’d started laughing, too.

Their quiet laugher died down in the dark. Silence filled the room, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. 

“Scott, would you honestly still skate with me if I did something so gross and embarrassing?” Tess said in a small voice. 

He didn’t even need to think about it and squeezed her hand. “Duh, Tess. We’re partners. We do this together or not at all. I’ll always be with you, even if you puke on me,” he said seriously.

“Okay,” she’d whispered. “Together.”

“Yep. Together,” he’d replied. The knot in his own stomach had released at this realization.

They’d fallen asleep like that. 

This habit of finding each other in the middle of the night when they were nervous or anxious or off-kilter did not go away as they grew older, although they had to get more careful about it. They realized early on that the grown-ups, their friends, and, eventually the media, would not understand this little ritual of theirs. There wasn’t anything sexual about it, but no one would believe that. He’d almost gotten caught in precarious positions many times, occasionally having to hide in a closet or two after not waking up early enough to sneak back to his room or his house. 

He’d discovered an innate talent for breaking in unnoticed (which was usually Tess leaving a window or door unlocked for him) and sneaking quietly through her family’s/host family’s/roommate’s house. Once they learned to drive and had phones of their own, they adapted quickly other people’s schedules and doing things like having to parking a block away, so his or her car was not in front of the other’s house. The amount of effort it took might have seemed like a lot to anyone on the outside looking in, but for them, it was just part of their lives together. The benefit always outweighed the cost.

They just had an unspoken bond that no one really understood or could relate to, and sometimes they could only find the comfort they needed in each other. Sometimes, he found her, and other times, she found him. There was no need to talk about it, though they did if they wanted to. They could just…be. 

At times, they held hands. Other times, Scott would hold her, or she would hold him, or they would face and hold each other. Occasionally, they didn’t touch at all and just laid next to the other. This was why he knew Tessa’s sleeping habits. Scott knew she was a restless sleeper, if she got to sleep at all, because he had spent many nights beside her. They had slept together frequently over the years but had never had sex. It was intimate, but never too intimate. (Well, almost never. He felt lucky that he was the early riser of the two, though if she’d ever woken up and felt his morning wood pressed against her, she had never said anything.) 

There were moments when it should have been more awkward than it was, which was telling as he looked back over their lives together. Scott felt bad about the fact that there had been more than a few times when he’d left a sleeping girlfriend to go comfort Tess and sleep in her bed. Conversely, she had done the same with him. They never talked about that, though…why they needed comfort from each other when they supposedly had the comfort of a lover. This relationship of theirs was complicated and they knew it. 

The hardest time in their lives together had been after her first surgery when they had stopped talking for those few months. There had been a low point when he actually drove all the way from Canton to London in the middle of the night and just sat in his car down the street from her house. It was not his proudest moment. Scott didn’t have the courage to climb up to her bedroom window and see her, but just being in her vicinity, even if she didn’t know it, was better than suffering at home. He’d never told anyone about that, not even Tessa.

It had been strange after she’d returned. They were barely talking for a while, except for on the ice and they certainly weren’t connecting very well there, but one night she had texted him to ask if he was up and he had been, so she had come over. They didn’t say a word once she arrived. They didn’t talk about all the anger, fear, and betrayal they’d felt. They just held each other through the night. After that, things had started getting better between them, though. 

Their comfort ritual wasn’t something that always happened frequently or consistently, but it remained a key, yet secret, part of their complex relationship.

So, now, as they laid facing each other, with all their history lying in the bed with them, they just took each other in and sat in the quiet, dimming light together after a very strange afternoon. Tears leaked from Tessa’s eyes, and Scott could not help himself from gently brushing them away as they fell. 

“I’m so sorry,” she choked out after a while, voice heavy with tears and gunk. Her eyes were red, and all he wanted was to help her stop crying, but he couldn’t help but feel that he was the reason she was upset. It was a strange place to be. 

“No, T, I—” he began, but she stopped him, placing two soft fingers on his lips and shaking her head vigorously. Scott stopped talking. If this was what she needed from him right now, he could give her that. 

“Just…can you just hold me? If that’s…okay?” Tess said, looking fearful that it would not be okay after their tete-a-tete earlier. Scott didn’t even hesitate. While he wasn’t willing to cross certain lines today, he could give her this. 

“Come here,” he said, opening his arms and lying on his back. Tessa burrowed into him, her head resting perfectly in the crook of his neck and shoulder. As Scott lay there, holding her as her silent tears soaked his shirt, he realized there was no place he would rather be than in this funny little undefinable relationship they had. Yes, he desperately wanted her to be as madly in love with him as he was with her. He wanted a life where he could have every part of her, to be sure, but if he couldn’t, if he could only have this, he would take it. Life without this seemed like no life at all.

He didn’t remember when she had finally stopped crying or when he drifted off, only that he was surprisingly content. When Scott next opened his eyes, it was dark in her bedroom. They had shifted positions at some point, he realized, as he felt the warmth of Tessa’s back pressed solidly into him while he spooned her. She fit the curve of his body seamlessly, as though they were two halves of a larger whole. His arm held her around her stomach, pulling her into him, and their legs were intertwined under the sheets. Scott felt happy as he drifted back into the darkness of sleep, only thinking of the beauty of this perfectly imperfect moment, just the two of them, together.


	13. Just Waiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scott ponders over what's next...
> 
> OR 
> 
> But then he remembered the night before. And the days before that, when he had told her he was in love with her, and she told him she needed time. Suddenly, this moment felt bittersweet. What if this was it? What if he could never have her completely? He shifted onto his back as slowly and gently as he could, not wanting to wake her, though at this time in the morning, it was unlikely she would. Mornings were rough for T, and it would take more than a little movement to wake her at this point. Scott turned his head to look at her.
> 
> His beautiful Tessa, he thought, then suddenly considered that he had no real right to call her “his.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there, Lovelies!
> 
> Sorry it's been a while, but life and a little writer's block got in the way. Also, so much has been happening in the VM world that it's been time consuming to keep up on all the good stuff! 
> 
> Here's a new chapter to tide you over...more good things are coming soon!
> 
> Thank you for being patient and hanging in there! I appreciate you all! <3 <3 <3

Chapter 13: Just Waiting

When Scott woke again, the sun was coming up. The rose-gold light of dawn peaked through Tessa’s white curtains, and drowsily, he remembered where he was. Tessa was cradled into his back, her arm tucked under his, hand against his heart. Her skin felt cool again; her fever must have finally broken sometime in the night. He took a couple of breaths, savoring this quiet moment. Waking up with her, snuggled in the same bed, was something he could get used to.

But then he remembered the night before. And the days before that, when he had told her he was in love with her, and she told him she needed time. Suddenly, this moment felt bittersweet. What if this was it? What if he could never have her completely? He shifted onto his back as slowly and gently as he could, not wanting to wake her, though at this time in the morning, it was unlikely she would. Mornings were rough for T, and it would take more than a little movement to wake her at this point. Scott turned his head to look at her.

His beautiful Tessa, he thought, then suddenly considered that he had no real right to call her “his.” Their relationship was tricky that way, as they had been a pair, a team, for so long that it was easy for him to fall into the trap of assuming that they belonged to and with each other. There was a reason they tended to use the pronoun “we” all the time, even when they were only referring to themselves. It was one of those signature blurred lines between them, a problem that most people didn’t have to think about; however, they had spent many years finding the balance between Tessa&Scott and Tessa and Scott. They each had their own interests and pursuits; they were very different people, after all. He thought that was what made them a great team—they saw things differently, giving each other new perspectives. They complimented each other in ways that others couldn’t dream of and opened up sides of each other that might not have been realized with another person. This was a reason why Scott couldn’t imagine living without her. He understood who he was without Tessa but knew in his heart he was always a better person with her as a major facet in his life. 

Tess looked so peaceful, lying there next to him, cheek pressed into the pillow. There was no tension in her face, no act to put on, no worries about their future to hide behind her well-polished exterior. Truly knowing this woman was a gift, he realized. She didn’t let many people in, her introversion and shy nature often keeping her quiet and introspective. While he was all out there, heart on his sleeve for all to see, T spent more time thinking than reacting. Her calm, even-keeled nature kept him in check. 

Scott knew that some found her to be cold or empty or all business, and it was as far from the truth as they could possibly get. He knew she had endured more than her fair share of personal criticism from those who did not know her and how rough it had been for her at certain times in their career. It was true that she was more reserved than he was and stuck to the script during interviews, keeping it mostly to business and the bottom line. Tessa normally did not gush and was quick on her feet when they were thrown a question that was meant to catch them off guard. Tess was driven, yet private; she had a sharp business acumen, knowing how to push their brand or any sponsorships she had without ever revealing too much. It was a talent he did not have, that he knew.

People may have seen her as impersonal or fake, but what they didn’t always see was how warm and kind she was. Most people didn’t get to see how funny she was, either; he thought she was hysterical, even when she struggled with her joke delivery, which was often (if he was being honest). Scott loved that about her, and he loved that he was one of the few that got to see that Tessa Virtue. The real Tessa. 

She was the strongest person he’d ever known. So much stronger than he was, especially after everything she had endured in their career. Between her pain, surgeries, and managing his crazy intensity, he sometimes was in awe that she was still at it, still loving the sport. Still with him, after all this time. He was lucky.

Scott quietly exhaled. The dressing gown he made Tess put on the night before had twisted in the night, leaving one pale shoulder bare. Resisting the urge to touch her, he instead tried to memorize everything could about her: the way her naturally curly hair had frizzed up in the night, spiraling around her face, how her pink lips opened slightly when she breathed, how her hand fell delicately over his chest like it belonged there. 

Suddenly, a melancholy feeling came over Scott and his mood shifted. It felt like he was hoarding something that didn’t really belong to him. They had lived in the bubble for so long, gotten so used to their lives being unlike anyone else’s, that this strange pattern of theirs had become normal. Their reliance on each other emotionally and physically was so beyond the realm of definable that they had somehow settled into a kind of complacency. Last night, he’d felt this indeterminate state was enough; now, he was not so sure. 

Now that they were done competing, was it so wrong that he wanted more, wanted something at least a little more definable by society’s standards? Scott knew that anything they chose to have would be special and unique to them but being together romantically didn’t have to change that uniqueness. It was this limbo they had landed in since Pyeongchang that was bothering him. Tess still hadn’t told him how she really felt, and he couldn’t read her because she was so uncharacteristically all over the place emotionally that he couldn’t get a hold on anything. 

Scott felt as though this moment with her was stolen, as if he was taking something from her that she was not yet willing to give him. As quietly as he could, he shifted his weight and got out of the bed, gently placing her hand on the warm spot he was vacating. Tess stirred slightly but did not wake. Leaving the warmth of her in that bed felt something akin to ripping a Band-Aid off of his heart, but it had to be done. Grabbing his shoes, he tiptoed out of her bedroom. 

Before he left, he decided to leave her a note. Scott didn’t want to pretend all of this hadn’t happened, but he also couldn’t put himself, or her, through another night like last night without some answers. He knew T well enough to know that if she remembered last night, she likely would feel embarrassed and probably wouldn’t want him there anyway. As much as it killed him, she needed to figure out her feelings before he saw her again. Hopefully, that would be soon, because they had a wave of press to do next week that would require a certain level of understanding between them.

Rifling around in her desk, he easily found a pen, but was not seeing any paper. He opened the bottom drawer, reached in, and that’s when he saw it. It was a pretty, teal colored journal. Scott had seen her with it multiple times over the past year, sketching designs and writing ideas in it. But a flash of a memory was triggered by looking at the journal.

They had been teenagers. Scott had been in his full-fledged, testosterone-filled youth, maybe 16 or 17, right around the time they started medaling in Juniors and advancing quickly up the ranks. They had been in Canton for a year or two by that point. He had been increasingly temperamental, was not always the nicest person to be around, and wasn’t the best with boundaries. Being away from his family had forced him to grow up quickly, but in turn had made him cocky and full of himself. 

Poor Tessa had borne the brunt of his mercurial nature, but at 14 and 15, she had been very shy and quiet. She had a hard time making friends initially in Canton, especially since the girls in figure skating could be ruthless. Scott had had a much easier time with his naturally gregarious nature and with the male figure skaters being much more accepting of him. 

Looking back, Scott knew he should’ve been nicer to T. He teased her mercilessly sometimes. One such occasion was about her journal. He’d seen her writing in it between practices or in her free time on the road. Initially, he’d thought she was using it for school, but eventually figured out that she was much more protective of it than she was of her school notebooks. Sometimes, he’d catch her writing furiously, so pensively, that he started commenting on it. 

“Why so serious, T-Bone?” he’d asked, peering over her shoulder, trying to catch a glimpse at what she was so contemplative about. She slammed the journal shut and leaned as far away as possible, shoving the book under her knees for extra emphasis. Ultimately, this was the wrong move, because now his interest was piqued.

“Ooooh, what’s in there, eh? Something…secret?” he’d said it with an eyebrow wiggle for extra emphasis. Tessa shot him a warning look. “Come on, T, let me see!” He grabbed for it, but she had the journal on lock-down underneath her knees, and he knew better than anyone that she was stronger than she looked. She silently glared at him and swatted him away. Now he really wanted to know what she’d been writing, since she was being so elusive about it. He employed a different tactic, knowing exactly where to strike to get what he wanted. Scott simultaneously grabbed her knee with one hand and snaked the other into her armpit, tickling her mercilessly. 

Tessa shrieked and immediately buckled up, as Scott knew she would from the many years of learning exactly where her tickle spots were. That’s when he swooped in with the hand that had been on her knee and grabbed the now-loose journal out from under her. Triumph, in the form of a wide, mischievous smile spread across his face. 

“Scott, stop it! Give it back!” she pleaded with him, grabbing frantically for the journal with both hands. He played keep-away with it, passing it back and forth between his hands, alternating high and low. Chuckling at her growing frustration, he ran for the other side of the room, trying to open it as he ran. 

Scott heard her footfalls fast behind him, and he finally popped it open to a page and skimmed her flowing, feminine scrawl as fast as he could. Reading aloud in a high-pitched voice, he began, “…I really enjoyed Mr. Markel’s English class today…” Scott rolled his eyes. Only Tess would write something boring like that about school. He continued, as Tess grabbed at him, still pleading, “…but Jake kept staring at me every chance he got and it was kinda weird. Does he like, like me or something? Did I have something on my face?” Scott nearly choked on the words. A lot of different emotions and thoughts ran through him all at once: 

One, who the hell was this Jake guy and why did he think it was okay to go staring at Tessa all through English class? Two, guys were into Tess now? Three, why should HE care who may or may not be into Tess? 

It was an uncontrolled mixture of protectiveness, jealousy, and a smidge of rage that coursed through him. Scott had covered it with a stilted laugh and a smirk in Tessa’s direction. Her face flushed beet red, her green eyes staring daggers at him. 

“Oh my god, Scott! Seriously, give it BACK!” she nearly yelled, obviously mortified that he was reading her private thoughts out loud. He should have taken that as a sign to stop. But he didn’t. Some vindictive side of him wanted to see her squirm a little, wanted to know more about this Jake guy and Tessa’s thoughts about him. 

He turned the page, skimming for more dirt, and continued, “Jake is sorta cute with his longish blond hair and pretty blue eyes, but there’s no way he actually likes me, right? I mean, he did ask for my notes on Hamlet after class, but that’s probably just cuz I’m decent in English…” Scott was a little infuriated at Tessa’s lack of confidence in herself and at the same time a little grateful that she seemed so naïve about this Jake guy, who was probably just some jackass who wanted to get in her pants. 

“This Jake guy sounds just great, T,” he said sarcastically. “I’m sure him and his pretty blue eyes really want your…notes,” he continued, air-quoting ‘notes’ to emphasize his distaste for Jake. 

Scott easily dodged Tessa’s swipes at him and flipped the page. While he was skimming, he saw his name and his heart felt like it stopped for a moment, but he didn’t really know why. He murmured his discovery out loud, “Scott was being…” and suddenly the journal flew out of his hands and crashed to the floor before he knew what had happened. Tess had literally kicked it out of his hands and scrambled on the floor to grab it. 

Part of him screamed, wanted to know desperately what she’d written about him, especially because she obviously didn’t want him to know. “’Scott was being…’ what, T? What was I being?” he rounded on her as she came up from the floor, journal finally back in her hands. His words came out part curious, part accusatory. Why was she writing about him in her secret journal? 

Tessa had locked down on her emotions, trying to shut him out. Her eyes glistened with tears and her jaw clenched shut. She said nothing and just glared at him, hands crossed protectively over the journal that was now pressed into her chest. 

She was pissed and had every right to be. But Scott’s emotions were untethered, and he found himself also pissed that she was writing things about him and this Jake guy in her journal. All he wanted was to yank that stupid thing from her grasp and read everything she was saying. 

But before he could, Tessa stomped away, journal in hand. Then, at practice, she had refused to talk to him. She barely looked at him and only touched him when she absolutely had to, and then only lightly. Scott remembered being caught somewhere between incredulous and completely dumbfounded that she was so mad about this. Then again, he’d been furious for no reason, other than he’d seen his name written in her little book and didn’t know why. 

Their skating suffered for days. By then, they were both just being stubborn, but refused to talk about it. Marina finally forced them to sit down and hash it out with each other. “Communication is the key to partnership,” she’d told them in her thick accent, over and over. She wouldn’t let them back on the ice until they had figured it out, citing that they were going to hurt each other physically if they didn’t work through whatever this was.

He’d remembered sitting across from her awkwardly, arms crossed over his chest defensively, while she could barely meet his eyes with her own. She fiddled with the edge of her practice warm ups, and he watched what seemed like a hundred thoughts flit across her eyes before she could even open her mouth. Tess was the queen of over-thinking.

“I’m really mad and embarrassed that you took my journal and read it without my permission. And you wouldn’t stop when I asked. You just wouldn’t listen,” she’d said finally, emphasizing the ‘listen.’ 

“That stuff was private, Scott. You don’t get to know everything about me, you know. Some stuff can just be mine and not ours,” T motioned her hands between them, looking down. She was still a little mad, he could tell, but there was something else there as tears welled in her eyes. 

Scott was taken a bit aback by this. Only thinking about himself and his mixed-up feelings about her and Jake, he hadn’t stopped to think about how he’d invaded her privacy. He had assumed somehow that he had the right to know what she was thinking all of the time because they were Tessa&Scott and that’s just the way it had always been. But she was right. Of course, she was right. 

His arms relaxed, and he bit his fingernails nervously. “I’m sorry, Tess. You’re totally right. I was being a jerk, and I invaded your privacy. I won’t do it again,” he swallowed, begging her forgiveness. 

It had taken her a moment, but she finally wiped the tears from her eyes. Nodding with finality, she looked at him and her mouth curved ever so slightly into a smile. He’d never seen anything sweeter. 

They had recovered quickly after his apology and were back to their usual selves in no time.

Now, back in the present, Scott realized that he had to respect her need for space to figure things out. He had no right to her thoughts until she was ready to share them, no matter how tortured he felt by not knowing. 

Feeling resigned by this, he went to the little neighborhood coffee shop down the street and picked up a flat white and a chocolate croissant for Tess for whenever she woke up. It was still early, but he didn’t want to leave without making sure she understood that he was okay with waiting for her to share her thoughts, no matter how long it took. That even after last night’s debacle, he would still wait until she was ready.

He left the coffee and croissant on the nightstand with a note:

T,  
Hope you’re feeling better this morning. Call me when you’re ready. I’ll be here.  
Love,  
S

That would have to do. Now, he just had to be patient and trust that he knew her as well as he thought he did.


	14. Just Need This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scott is terrified that Tessa is going to break his heart
> 
> OR
> 
> Scott tried to relish the break from training and media, but with all that and Tess absent, it left a void in his life that was hard to fill. What was his life now? What was his life without competitive skating? Without Tess? These existential questions plagued his mind and reminded him of those dark transitional times after Sochi. Then, he had tried to run from it all—from sport, from his life, from figure skating, and, ultimately, from Tess. Unhappy, it had taken him a while to realize that he would never get the youth he’d sacrificed for skating back, nor did he really want it back. He’d promised himself that this time around would be different; this time he would do better, that he would improve and take everything he learned from last time to be his best self this time around.
> 
> Easier said than done, Scott thought dismally.

Chapter 14: Just Need This

Scott tried his best to stay busy and not ruminate on Tessa, but the pent-up nervous energy and lack of schedule had him floundering. His nails were all but destroyed from biting them and his melancholy mood persisted. He resisted the urge to check his phone every five minutes, hoping to hear from Tess, but there was nothing from her. Radio silence. That awful sinking feeling in his stomach wouldn’t go away no matter how many friends he caught up with or how many beers he had. 

It sucked, but every time Scott would start to get too caught up in his feelings, he would remind himself that he needed to respect her need for time and space, that he needed to think of someone other than himself. It would snap him out of his lingering sadness long enough to help him push through and be a tolerable human being.

So, he laced up his skates and spent some time at his family’s rink, hanging out and skating with the community. It felt good to be back on the ice for fun and it took Scott’s mind off the dread he felt in his core. Seeing the little kiddos out there sliding around on the ice actually made him smile, and his goofy nature came out. 

Scott tried to relish the break from training and media, but with all that and Tess absent, it left a void in his life that was hard to fill. What was his life now? What was his life without competitive skating? Without Tess? These existential questions plagued his mind and reminded him of those dark transitional times after Sochi. Then, he had tried to run from it all—from sport, from his life, from figure skating, and, ultimately, from Tess. Unhappy, it had taken him a while to realize that he would never get the youth he’d sacrificed for skating back, nor did he really want it back. He’d promised himself that this time around would be different; this time he would do better, that he would improve and take everything he learned from last time to be his best self this time around.

Easier said than done, Scott thought dismally. 

He didn’t like this. Didn’t like it at all. Doubt and fear nipped at the forefront of his mind, but he was able to hold it at bay by reminding himself that his life wasn’t over. They still had months of performing with Stars on Ice and a whole slew of media and charity gigs. That helped motivate him to go to the gym and spend the time he had with his family, though Alma kept looking at him with concerned eyes. Scott avoided any conversations about Tess, but it was nearly impossible to deflect everything. Luckily, his family was perceptive enough about his emotions that they sensed they should steer clear of the subject of Tessa.

It had only been a few days since Scott had seen T, since the debacle at her place, but it felt like an eternity. 

It was late, after midnight, when he heard the knock on his door. Scott almost thought he’d imagined it, as he’d just been drifting off to sleep, but then it came again. His eyes popped open and his senses heightened. Since Pyeongchang, he’d been getting a surprising amount of fan messages, some of which were a little unhinged. More on alert than usual, he hoped that it wasn’t some crazy admirer who had found his place somehow. 

Sliding out of bed, Scott stepped into his boxers and pulled the nearest t-shirt over his head as he made his way out of his room to the front door. Cautiously, he approached and peeked out the side window, but saw no one. All was quiet. 

Uneasy, Scott unbolted the lock and slowly opened the door a crack. Still no one. Feeling no less creeped out, he opened the door a little wider, looking around. Maybe it was just teenagers goofing around or something.

That’s when he saw it—well, more accurately almost tripped on it, as he stepped forward.

A large, rustic-looking tin bucket sat there, and it was filled nearly to the brim with grains of white rice. A cream-colored envelope rested on top of the rice, a familiar scrawled capital ‘S’ on the front.

Tess. Scott’s heart nearly leapt out of his chest. Any remnants of sleepiness washed away as he grabbed the handle and lifted the heavy bucket inside, out of the chill early-March air. Reaching for the envelope, he paused, remembering how, many years ago, before 2012 Worlds in Nice, he had left a similar bucket on her doorstep. 

He’d wanted to remind her that they were trained and ready for the competition. Tess had been particularly nervous and on edge before that Worlds, probably because she was still dealing with pain in her legs, even though she had been working on different training techniques to help. They had been having a decent season, but Meryl and Charlie were close on their heels. Scott had wanted to reassure Tess that they had this, that they were in this together, that all the training they had put in was going to get them where they needed to be. 

At the time, they had been inspired by another Canadian Olympian, Martie McBean, and her “bucket of rice” analogy: The bucket was the larger goal, and all the grains of rice represented the steps needed to get there. Every grain they earned by listening, being present, and giving 100% to reach those steps, and, eventually, that ultimate goal. All the grains, however small, have value, and as the bucket fills with rice, you feel prepared to achieve the larger goal.

So, sensing Tess’s hesitation and anxiousness, he had gone to the nearest store and had rustled up a bucket and many packages of rice. The store clerk had looked at him strangely, but he hadn’t minded. Scott’s only care in that moment was building up Tessa, helping her understand that they were going to do this, and that their collective bucket was filled with rice. 

Scott had left it on her doorstep with a note, but it was more than a year later, during an informal fan interview, that Tess had revealed it was the best gift she had ever received. He had been a little shocked at this, that it had meant so much to her. That had been a strange time for them, with the stress leading up to Sochi. He had been distant, as he struggled with relationships and being in constant denial about his feelings for Tess. There was tension between them and Marina, them and Meryl and Charlie, and between each other. Knowing that she had valued that silly bucket of rice so much had renewed some faith for him in those troubled times.

And now they were here, and Tess had left him a very full bucket of rice, but in very different circumstances. There were no more competitions, no more intense training sessions. They had achieved their loftiest goals already, so this bucket probably didn’t represent training or competition. Scott felt nervous and hopeful, wondering by default if this bucket symbolized their relationship, their future together. It seemed likely, but he didn’t want to jump to conclusions, not this time. This time it might break him if he was wrong.

Heart suddenly pounding, Scott’s large hands fumbled with the envelope, pulling out the white cardstock inside. Tessa’s fluid handwriting stood out in the darkness:

Scott,

Put on some clothes and meet me at the rink.

T <3 

Well, that was…not what he was expecting, but he certainly was not going to keep her waiting.

Scott had never gotten ready so fast in his entire life. Fumbling, he brushed his teeth and changed into black practice pants and a long-sleeved workout top. He grabbed his skate bag and his keys and raced out into the night, practically skipping to his car. He willed himself to not drive like a maniac—getting pulled over or in an accident would not help him get to T any faster. 

Anxious energy coursed through Scott’s veins, a response almost akin to competition nerves and excitement, only this time, he felt the weight of a tipping point upon him. Whatever this meeting was going to be, he sensed it would change everything. 

As nervous as Scott was, he felt impending relief that the chaos that had controlled his mind lately might finally quiet. Desperately, he tried to cling just enough to the hope that whatever happened at the rink with Tessa tonight would be what was best for them both. 

Though the rink was not too far from his place, he still felt like he couldn’t get there fast enough. Scott saw the dark windows of his parent’s house across the street as he finally pulled into the parking lot. Tessa’s car was the only other in the lot, and he pulled his car one spot from hers. 

Stopping for a moment, he took a deep breath. He wanted to go in calmly, like a rational adult, not like some giddy kid waiting to get the note back from the girl he liked, with the boxed checked that said she liked him too. Scott tried to ignore the doubt creeping into his mind, focusing instead on the meaning of the rice. No matter what happened tonight, they still had 20 years of rice in their bucket. 20 years of hard work, successes, failures, joy, friendship, and love. Nothing and no one could take that away from them. He took a deep, shuddering breath to steady himself for whatever was to come.

Grabbing his bag, he got out of the car and walked to the rink doors. It only crossed his mind for a moment that Tessa must have gotten a key, most likely from his mom. One door was propped slightly with a doorstop. Scott walked through, pulling the doorstop out, and hearing the lock click as the door closed behind him. It was only the two of them here now.

He spent his childhood at this rink and knew it like the back of his hand, which was helpful since the only light was coming from the streetlights in the parking lot. Making his way through the darkened halls, he steadied himself for what might come next. This could be Tessa’s way of gently breaking the news to him that she didn’t love him like that and that he needed to move on. Scott steeled himself for the possibility that he might have to let his feelings for her go. It felt impossible, but if that was what she wanted, needed, then he would give that to her. 

As he pushed through the doors to the inner arena, Scott smelled the familiar comfort of the ice. He blinked, his eyes adjusting to the relative brightness of the ice reflecting the lights above. Tess hadn’t turned them all on, though, which gave the rink a quiet, peaceful feel that contrasted the rapid fluttering in his chest and the heavy knot that had formed in his stomach. Scott saw Tess stroking across the ice, her back to him. Her grace and strength were apparent in her elegant form, though there was a weight to her shoulders that told him she was preoccupied in her thoughts. She hadn’t spotted him yet, so he sat down and began the somewhat arduous task of lacing his skates, trying not to be distracted or hindered by the shaking in his hands. 

Finally, Scott managed to get them tied and stepped out to meet her. The only sound was the slicing of their skates on the ice and the flood of the blood pounding through his heart. Tessa heard his approach and turned to face him. His favorite Tess, the fresh-faced one with no make-up and the messy bun, the one wrapped in leggings and skates, fluidly floated towards him.

“You came,” she said quietly, as if she had her doubts that he would show.

“Of course, I came,” he said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. It took everything in him to actually look into her gorgeous green eyes. Scott was feeling particularly emotional and when in that state, eye contact was hard for him, even with T. “I see you stole my gift idea,” he tried to joke to cover the waves of anxiety coursing through him, but it came out awkward instead.

“Well, it was a good idea,” Tessa said quietly, pausing. “We’ve been through a lot together, you and I. Even though things are…changing…our bucket is full. Nothing can change that.” She looked at him deeply, introspectively, in the way only she could. Scott felt exposed by her words, unsure of what they meant. Everything seemed vague and delicate, and he had no idea how to make it less so. Nervously, he ran his hand through his hair, looking away, trying to gather himself and not say or do the wrong thing, whatever that might be.

Tess smiled almost shyly at him, seemingly sensing his emotions, and reached for his hand. Immediately, Scott intertwined his warm fingers through her cold ones, in their most intimate and unique handhold. They stroked in silence around the rink, the same rink where they had met and skated together as children. It was the most natural thing for them, to fall in sync, every muscle in their bodies attuned to the other. The slightest change in her signaled an unconscious change in his own movement. They were extensions of each other, which is why he sensed her tension and uneasiness before she spoke.

“I’m so sorry about the other day, Scott. I was completely…” Tess said, looking down at the ice as they skated next to each other. She hesitated before continuing, “I was a mess. The things I said, how I acted…” she trailed off, grimacing as she most likely remembered the aggressive way she had come on to him. “I’m just…I’m really sorry I put you in that position.” Tess looked at him, bracing herself for what might come next.

Scott pulled in front of her, skidding to a stop and grabbing both her hands in his own. “T, it’s okay. You were sick and drunk…” 

Tessa interrupted him, shaking her head, “That’s no excuse.”

“You’re right,” he said, validating her concern. “It wasn’t your finest hour, but if anyone can empathize with saying and doing stupid things, it’s me,” he said with a smile, squeezing her hands reassuringly. The corners of her mouth lifted in a small smile.

“And actually, there were some pretty hilarious moments in there. Like, you couldn’t write comedy that good, eh?” Scott teased. Tess swatted at him playfully and the mood lifted slightly. 

“Well, I don’t exactly remember every moment, but you’re probably right,” she conceded, pausing. “Do you forgive me for being, for lack of a better word, an ass?” she said seriously.

Scott laughed at the pun. “Yes, I forgive you,” he smiled at her, grabbing her and kissing her temple. 

“Good. Let’s skate,” she said, pulling closer to him.

“What?” he was a little thrown by this. Scott was surprised the conversation was over, since they most definitely had more to talk about.

“I just…need this,” Tess whispered.

“Okay,” Scott whispered back, confused but willing. 

Tessa put some music on, streaming some playlist, and they improvised the movements as they went along. They usually did this type of thing when developing a new routine, but they hadn’t done anything like it in a long while. Scott let himself feel the beat of the music and felt his confusion at the situation melt away, as his body and hers became extensions of each other as they floated over the ice. Their movements became one fluid motion as they mirrored each other, becoming intensely wrapped up in the music and in each other. They were firmly entrenched in their bubble and there was nothing but her in this world. 

This was where he belonged, on the ice, with Tessa. Scott’s hands ran over her as they twirled and lifted and danced as one. His lips grazed her soft, pale skin on more than occasion, Scott being swept away by her and her by him. One place they never had to question their relationship was on the ice, and it was as if all that was unspoken between them had a voice here. They may not have a romantic off-ice relationship, but on the ice, it was a totally different story, that he was sure of. 

Then, they were intertwined, so close to each other that Scott could feel Tessa’s breath on his lips. Her arms were wrapped around his neck, and his arms circled her waist. Everything else but her fell away. Without a word, they stopped dancing, but stayed in that position, her lips still hovering near his. Their chests heaved with the exertion, breath heavy and panting. Scott was holding her off the ice as they glided forward, and he gently set her down. Tessa’s hand found his face, gently cupping his cheek. His heart quickened, but not from the exertion. The way she was looking at him was different. Her eyes searched his deeply, looking for what, he did not know. He waited, frozen, fighting every cell in his body that yearned to close the gap between them. 

Suddenly, Tess cleared her throat and moved away, breaking the spell. Scott her let go, disappointed and frustrated at the lack of communication from her. Tessa skated over to the boards and turned off the music, her back to him. A flash of deep-seeded anger suddenly flared in him. Emotionally raw from everything they’d gone through recently, he felt unreasonably toyed with, whether or not that was her intention. Skating like that (at her request) brought his love for her to the forefront, and here she was, pulling away again. This tug-of-war was exhausting. He’d been patient. He had given her space. Now, he needed answers.

“Tessa, what are you doing? You leave a thoughtful, yet confusing, bucket of rice on my doorstep. I get here and instead of talking, you want to skate—like that—with me. Now, you’re pulling away. What is this?” Scott asked, trying with every fiber of his being to control the emotion in his rising voice. T turned to him, face guarded, emotions bottled inside. 

They stood, cold on the ice, facing each other. A heavy silence settled over the rink.

Tessa’s face scrunched up in that cute, worried way she was wont to do sometimes, often when she was holding back tears. She had been doing it since they were kids, and usually he found it very endearing, though in this moment, with this intensity, it had the opposite effect. 

“T, what are we doing here at one in the morning?” Scott questioned, finally breaking the silence again. “I don’t know what else I can fucking say, what else to do, until you actually talk to me!” His voice echoed through the empty rink, as fear and hopelessness sank into his heart. 

Tess looked like she might cry but was trying desperately to hold back and wouldn’t meet his eyes. She used to get that face when she was in pain and they’d have to stop in the middle of a competition. It worried him, striking a chord of doubt deep inside.

Tessa obviously tried to shake off her emotion before looking him again but wasn’t entirely successful. It was as if he could see her head warring with her heart. Scott waited, anxiety at the breaking point, feeling like this was the beginning of the end of them. She was going to stand there and break his heart, and there was nothing he could do about it.

Clearing her throat, Tess finally spoke, as the dam that had been holding her emotions at bay shattered: “Scott, I need you to understand something. Something I’ve kept from you for a very long time.” She was looking at him now, green eyes peering out from under her long lashes. “When you said that you loved me in Pyeongchang…that you are IN love with me…part of me panicked. I panicked because…because I spent so many years of our partnership hiding my feelings, shoving them down for various reasons. Mainly because I was afraid. Afraid that you would reject me, afraid that if things went wrong we wouldn’t be able to continue skating. I was able to deal with the pain in my legs, able to deal with the pressure and stress of competition, able to push past everything because nothing mattered more to me than you and I skating, because that’s where I feel the most at home,” she choked out, barely controlling her tears. Scott waited, giving her the space to speak. His held his breath. 

“I’m not like you, Scott, you know that. I can’t just…express my true emotions and put them out in the world for all to see. I have to think through everything a million times, overanalyzing the situation again and again. When we were younger, I would spend hours up at night trying to understand my feelings for you. I knew that you cared about me, and I knew that I cared about you, but I had no way to…I couldn’t…,” Tess paused, “I couldn’t risk pushing you away. I couldn’t risk this. Us.” She gestured between them. Scott’s heart dropped into his stomach. He wanted so badly to understand where she was going with this. 

Tess got even more quiet. “Sometimes, I wished so desperately that I could have what it seemed like all the other girls I knew had, but I couldn’t. There was no time or place for romance in our strange young lives, and I learned quickly that I didn’t really want that anyway, unless…unless it was with you,” she said, peering at him, eyes flashing. Scott’s breath caught in his throat.

“But it never happened. Couldn’t happen,” Tess sighed. “And you…you do this thing where you make someone feel like they are the only other person on Earth. When you would look at me that way, I thought, as long as I had that with you, nothing else mattered. Then I would watch you throw yourself into relationships and hook-ups with other women—with everyone but me—and I broke a little inside every time, knowing that it was the one thing I could never ask of you. So, I would move on. I tried to date. We both know how that went,” she looked up with a small smile before continuing. Scott’s mind whirred furiously inside with memories of the past, now seen from her perspective. It seemed like Tess was saying she had feelings for him in the past that she didn’t act on. He felt like an idiot, like he had missed all the signs.

“I threw myself into skating, to my career, frantically trying to make my choices worthwhile, to keep my head. After Sochi, I…I felt helpless when you were with Kaitlyn, even though I liked her. You pulled away from me, from everything. I felt like I’d missed my chance, that we were going to retire and that you had already moved on with your life before I could do or say anything. So, I tried to move on, went back to school. Said yes to everything. But I kept missing you in every way,” Tessa said, her eyes growing wide at the admission. His did too. Scott looked away. He was overcome with shame that he had been so blind, so wrapped up in himself that he had completely overlooked how Tessa had been feeling. Regret filled him, reminding that everything he’d wanted, needed, had been there right in front of him, but he had thrown it all away because he hadn’t paid attention. 

Tessa continued, noticing his change in demeanor, “But then, then you came back to me, Scott. You wanted to skate again as much as I did, and suddenly, life made sense again. I still couldn’t have you, not all of you, but it was alright. Then you went and broke up with Kaitlyn, and suddenly, it was only us, all the time. It was different. You were different. You had matured, had become…a man. Someone confident, not cocky. Attentive, steady. And I was changed, too,” she looked at Scott now, an intensity in her gaze that set him on fire. “I was no longer that shy, afraid girl. I was no longer in pain all the time, no longer constantly worried about you being distracted, because you came back to me, for this, for the gold, but you came back when I needed you. That meant everything.”

Scott’s breath hitched, and his heart quickened at her words. His eyes searched her, hoping that Tessa was trying to say what he thought she was trying to say. He waited with bated breath for her to continue.

“Something changed those two years ago when we decided to come back together, Scott. We approached our skating differently, our lives differently. We started really listening to each other. Everything became so much more intimate, more caring. I’ve felt more a part of you than I ever have, and you treated me that way. I…” Tess faltered, getting caught up in her thoughts. He could no longer stay quiet.

“What are you trying to say?” Scott asked quietly, heart pounding in his chest, hoping he knew the answer. 

Tessa turned to face him, gathering herself to continue. “Scott, I can’t remember my life without you. I have loved you in some shape or form for most of our twenty years together, but I spent a very long time trying to convince myself that it couldn’t be, that you would never love me the same way I loved you. When you told me that you’re in love with me, it unlocked something deep inside of me that I have tried to keep locked away from you for an eternity…but I realize that it’s been out there all along. I live for the way you look at me, the way you touch me, and I know that it’s all wrapped up in our crazy lives and skating. But I am so in love with you that I can’t keep straight where you begin and I end. And it’s the most natural thing in the world. I don’t want anyone else but you, Scott. I can’t even begin to imagine it.” 

Tess was visibly shaking, clutching at her hands to make them stop. Tears glistened in her eyes and began rolling down her cheeks. She looked at him as though she had laid her life down in front of him and was waiting to see what he would do with it. She looked afraid and relieved all at once. Scott was in disbelief, trying to put together the pieces of their history…how had he not realized it sooner? How did the younger version of himself not see what was right in front of him the whole time?

Scott had been giving her space but could no longer contain himself. He glided to her, and Tessa watched him carefully, eyes gazing at him hopefully. Cupping her face, he gently kissed away the tears on her flushed cheeks, tasting the salt on his tongue. Resting his forehead to hers, tears sprung to his own eyes, his emotions no longer held at bay. Grabbing her cold, shaking hands with his own, Scott brought them up to his mouth, kissing the tips of her icy fingers before pulling them down to his heart.

A long breath rushed out of him. Scott didn’t realize he’d been holding it in. All of his unease, his worry, his nervousness about her feelings for him drained away, leaving him with only joy and happiness. He’d never felt anything quite like it. He wasn’t losing T—she’d had been there the whole time.

“Tessa, I love you so much,” Scott whispered between his tears. “I’m sorry it took me so long.” This time, he wasn’t saying it out of panic and fear. He wasn’t terrified and breaking down. This time, he felt completely and utterly whole. 

Tessa laughed through her tears, that sweet laugh-cry that he’d only heard her do after they won their individual golds. That same laugh-cry he figured he would never hear again because they were done competing. “I love you, too, you goof,” she said. Then Scott was laugh-crying, too. It was the best thing he’d ever experienced in his entire life. He grabbed her around her waist, lifting her and spun her around on the ice in his exuberance, kissing her neck. As the momentum slowed, he put her back down on the ice. They faced each other, bodies intimately close together, but not quite touching. 

Scott was used to being close to her, but this was different. This territory was uncharted for them in reality. Their faces were close, and he could scarcely believe that they might finally do what he’d wanted to do since the first time he kissed her nearly 20 years ago at the Ilderton carnival. 

Scott could feel Tessa’s breath quicken, in a way that had only been evident to him in the middle of a rehearsal or performance, but this time in was not in the guise of a character she was playing. This time it was only Tess and he was only Scott. In a millisecond, her gaze had shifted from joy and relief to something else, something pleading and almost hungry. He watched her eyes flicker down his face to his lips and back up to meet his gaze. His heart skipped and warmth flooded him. Her porcelain skin flushed pink, and for the first time that night, he knew exactly what she was thinking, but he realized it needed to be her to make the move. Tessa’s eyes darkened to a deep forest green as she so very slowly closed the remaining gap between them. 

Twenty years of waiting, of anticipation, had not fully prepared Scott for this moment. Tessa’s body came to him first as she slid up into him, her hands snaking up his chest and then up around his neck. Scott felt like every cell in his body was alive and crackling with electricity, the touch of her nearly scalding him. As Tessa’s lips closed the gap between them, he wrapped his arms back around her, pulling her in tighter. 

The feeling of her lips on his was feather light to start. They had had in-program kisses that were more than this, but this…this was entirely different. Scott felt and heard her sharp intake of breath as her lips made contact with his in an open-mouthed kiss. Her slightly damp lower lip caught his dry one and pulled as Tess experimented with this new sensation between them. He was caught off guard by the gentleness—the hesitation—that he knew stemmed from their equal nervous anticipation. Suddenly, Scott was just following her lead, opening his mouth, ever so gently returning the kiss with the lightest of pressure. Their lips hovered, lingering on each other, breath held, as they took in the weight of this moment. It felt like an eternity had gone by for them to be here, doing this, and the pause gave them the chance to take it back, to stop before it went any farther. But neither wanted that.

Then Tessa’s soft lips were dragging slowly and deliberately against his in the most sensual way possible, her breath quickening. Scott felt the heat of anticipation wash over him and then her tongue flicked in his open mouth the tiniest bit, teasing, feeling him out, and he was done for. Scott closed the gap, wrapping his hand behind her head, pulling her forward, his mouth colliding into hers. Hot and wet, his tongue found Tessa’s between her open lips, his lips finally finding the pressure and purchase he had been aching for. It was both everything and nothing like he had imagined.

Their breathing became heavier as their mouths were consumed by one another. The kiss deepened in intensity as they explored each other this way for the first time. The soft warmth of her mouth was like coming home. Tessa’s hands were running through his hair, instantly giving him goosebumps. His nerve endings were so sensitive that every strand she combed through sent a jolt through him. Her body melted into him while her tongue teased and explored his. 

Unconsciously, Scott felt their breath begin to sync and each of their racing heartbeats find pace with the other. It was if they were just extensions of the same heart, linking up in rhythm. He felt lightheaded and giddy and out of his body. He had only ever felt something similar when they were skating so well, so in sync, that he didn’t even have to think about it, it just happened. Scott wanted to feel every moment of this and felt himself running a hand down her arm, anchoring him back into her, grounding him here. 

The kiss slowed as they came up for air. Scott’s lips lingered on hers, brushing across them and leaving little kisses at the corner of her mouth and up onto her cheek. As his forehead touched hers, their heavy breathing evident, he saw Tess’s lips curve up into a smile. Hardly believing that this was finally real, he, too, smiled, as he cupped her cheek with his hand, running his thumb slowly over her bottom lip. A little whimper escaped her and suddenly she crushed into him again, her lips and tongue aggressively seeking his. 

The fervor Tess came at him with now was not the innocent first-kiss kind, but the passionate, urgent need kind. Scott’s breath hitched in surprise, and he nearly lost his balance, reminding him that they were still on the ice. He managed to swing his momentum back towards her, sending them back into the boards, which he grabbed onto with one hand as the other circled around to her lower back. Heat spread through his core, and he felt Tess’s body give as he matched her intensity. A low, guttural groan came out of his mouth as she nibbled and pulled on his lower lip, exploring what he liked. 

Two could play at that game, Scott thought, as he pulled his mouth away from hers, finding and kissing the sensitive flesh behind her earlobe before pulling it into his mouth. Her gasp was enough to tell him he was doing it right. Then Tessa’s cool hands were up under his shirt, exploring his muscled back as she collapsed into him, head rolling to the side with delight, giving him carte blanche. Running his wet mouth down the side of her neck, Scott tasted the sweetness of her skin. He flicked his tongue over her pulse points, feeling her heart pounding with his mouth. She let out a quiet moan that was so delicious, it unlocked something primal in him. He had assumed that Tess liked his neck and shoulder kisses over the years, but her reaction to him now had him tensed against her, and he felt himself harden. If she wasn’t careful, Scott might try to take her right on the ice. Judging by her reaction, she might be okay with that. 

Tessa’s lips were on his again as she arched into him, as if she were trying to climb inside of him, using her toe pick and the boards as leverage to keep steady on the slick ice. Scott readily returned her kiss, feeling overrun by the need to explore every inch of her. He was getting lost in her, his hands and mouth running over her body in ways he had only ever dreamed of doing in real life. One of his hands slipped under her sweater, feeling the bare flesh of her well-defined abdomen press into him. Scott explored further, reaching the lower edge of her sports bra and running his thumb feather light over the fabric on her breast, lingering over her nipple, which instantly hardened beneath him. Tessa gasped, and he tried to pull away, suddenly afraid he’d crossed a line. She shook her head slightly, smiling against his lips, and whispered, “Don’t stop.”

Scott could not contain the sensual growl that came out of him at those words, and he obeyed her instantly. His thumb found her nipple again, this time under the fabric of her bra, flicking at it with his thumb as his mouth crashed back into hers. Tess let out a whimper and sighed with pleasure into his mouth. Her fingers danced at the waistband of his pants, driving him mad with arousal. Every sense felt heightened, and he needed more of her. His other hand found her ass and Scott pressed into her, now rock hard against her pelvis. She moaned at the sensation and opened her legs, lifting one up to his hip as Scott ran his hand down her thigh. Breathless, their lips ravished each other, making up for lost time. Surprising him, Tessa wrapped her legs around his waist, and he pushed her up into the boards to stay upright on the slick ice. 

Suddenly, the unmistakable sound of the bar on the inner door of the rink popped open. Knowing what it was, they jumped away from each other, not knowing who had arrived, only that someone else was there. They looked at each other in shock, eyes wide, as they frantically adjusted their mussed clothing, like two kids who had been caught by parents after a make-out session…which was pretty much right on the nose if he thought about it. 

“Oh my god,” Tess whispered, her lips swollen and mouth red, face flushed in a half mortified, half smiling way. “Skate!” she ordered, grabbing his hand and stroking away from the boards, pulling him with her. 

“What?!” he replied, turning, trying to follow her lead, but slipping and nearly falling in the process. His erection was distracting, to say the least, and he tried frantically to adjust himself before whomever else was there could see. 

Then he heard the tell-tale whistle of the long-time night custodian, Barry. It must be the beginning of his shift. 

“Oh!” Barry yelped in surprise as he came through into the rink and saw them. “How did you get in here, eh?” He squinted, trying to place them. Scott knew it was only a matter of moments.

“Scotty Moir? And oh, my, Miss Tessa! It’s wonderful to see you two! But what in the world are you doing at the rink so late?” Barry trailed off and cocked his head, puzzled.

“Hi, Barry!” Scott squeaked out, after clearing his throat as they skated over. He could feel his ears and neck beginning to burn red with embarrassment. “We, uh…well, we just felt like…skating…in the middle of the night…” he stumbled over his words, looking everywhere but at Barry. Oh, dear god, this was a disaster. He and Tess froze on the spot, hoping they had covered adequately.

Barry looked at them quizzically for a few moments, taking in the scene, the tension, the obviousness of their appearance. Then his bushy eyebrows raised and a knowing smile started forming on his weathered face. 

Tess gripped Scott’s hand, and she suddenly erupted into giggles. They started as small shudders, and her shoulders shook, trying to hold them in, but they soon became her signature uncontrollable, contagious giggles. Scott tried to stay in control, but he had never been immune to Tessa’s laugh and wasn’t about to start now. He just couldn’t help himself and started laughing, too, mostly at the complete ridiculousness of the situation. 

“I’m…sorry…Barry,” Tess barely got out in between giggles. Scott gave Barry a pleading look, hoping Barry would understand that this was something that needed to stay under the radar. Luckily for them, the Ilderton community had always been good about keeping things to themselves when it came to Tessa and Scott.

“Oh, you kids! I’ll leave you to get back to your…skating,” Barry said, pausing for effect. “Nothing to see here, eh? Oh, and congratulations on your gold! You did Ilderton proud,” he added, sincerely.

“Thanks, Barry. We’ll get out of here so you can do your work. Good to see you,” Scott said, still choking back laughter as Barry turned, waving, and resumed his whistling as he went back work.

Tessa was now bent over, gut-rolling with giggles, trying to not fall on the ice. Scott rolled his eyes and laughed, bringing her into his arms. 

“Come here, kiddo. I’m not sure we were obvious enough,” he said playfully as she wiped the tears of laughter off her face. Her giggles subsided as Scott pulled her close and gently kissed her lips. It felt incredibly natural. Tess melted into him, wrapping her arms around his neck, deepening the kiss. Her hunger for him was the biggest turn on he’d ever experienced. A soft moan escaped his lips and he felt her smile against him.

Tess broke the kiss, her hands playing in his hair at the nape of his neck. She looked up at him with those gorgeous green eyes of hers and whispered, “We should go.” A sly smile spread over her face.

Scott’s eyebrow cocked, questioning if she meant what he thought she meant. Tess batted her long lashes in response. “We should definitely go,” he agreed, nodding veraciously, as he twirled her around in front of him and kissed the back of her neck, his arm wrapping around the front of her waist, pulling her to him. He pushed off, sending them to the edge of the boards. 

Now that Scott had a taste of her, he couldn’t keep his hands (or mouth) off of her. He knew that he was affectionate by nature anyway, but this was a whole other level that he’d never been able to experience with her in this way. Tess wasn’t complaining and was equally as handsy as she leaned back into him and tilted her head up to kiss his jaw. 

They grabbed their skate guards and stepped off of the ice, Tess turning into him and pressing her warm, hungry lips to his again, her hands pulling on the fabric of his shirt. A throaty response hummed through him and all he could think about was how delicious she was and how sweet she tasted and how he wanted to touch every part of her. 

Scott broke the kiss and swatted her butt. “Skates,” he ordered. Tess nodded. They hurried over to the bench to unlace their skates. He wasn’t sure, but they might have set a record for how fast they got their skates off. They grabbed their bags, turned off the lights, and headed for the door. Once they left the rink, the cold Canada air hit them, and Tess shivered in her coat. He started to pull her close, but she stopped him, realizing that they were out in the open, where anyone could see them. It didn’t help that they were literally across the street from his parent’s house. 

That harsh reality and the shock of the cold helped Scott think straight and dampen his arousal just enough. He nodded at her and squeezed her hand instead before they broke apart to get in their cars. 

Tess stopped and looked at him mischievously. “Your place is closer,” she said, licking her lips.

A fresh wave of arousal washed over him. Scott managed a nod and looked over her hungrily, “Yes, yes, it is.”

“No speeding,” Tess winked, getting in the car.

“My god, woman, you are killing me,” Scott sighed, getting in his own. He had always loved being home but had never in his life wanted to get there as badly as he did right now. 

He may have sped just a little bit, but it was one hundred percent worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, well, well, here we are lovelies--I hope all the angst leading up to this chapter was worth it! Let me know what you think!
> 
> Hoping to be able to give you more soon. Thank you all so much for reading, commenting, and giving this story a place in the VM universe. <3 
> 
> Much love! <3


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